Hello - I'm New. =)

klaganza

Ive finally decided to venture onto message boards for support.  Usually I just lurk.  makes me sound pretty shady.....but im not! 

Both husband & myself are 34. I have ovarian failure.  never produced eggs, never got a period on my own.  been on BCP since i was 16.  I always knew i would have to have a donor egg to become pregnant, but its been over the last 6 years or so when ive really made myself deal with it emotionally and physically. 

We were married in 2007 and thought we would begin the process shortly thereafter, i was 28.  we started and i hit a complete roadblock.  severely depressed for weeks.  had to go to a therapist.  eventually started antidepressants and antianxiety.  Its been a very long road, I have worked very hard on myself and I am finally at a place where i feel i am strong enough and confident enough to take myself and my husband on this journey of egg donation.  still not easy, as we received our very first profile last night (!!!!!!) and i almost fell off my chair.

Not sure where the rest of you are, but lemme tell you that was a shock to the system.  I was not expecting to feel so ambivalent.  i picked though that profile more than carrie bradshaw picked parsley off her dinner plate.  i found something wrong with everything and all the sudden i wasn't as laid back about the process of choosing a donor as i'd thought i would be. It was very eye-opening to see her words on paper and her baby pictures and have to say to myself "could this be THE one?" ....that should be a new book or something - "when choosing an egg is like choosing your husband"....

 I hope to learn more about some of you on this board. Maybe you have had the same experience or have some advice as to what is normal/not normal to feel during the process of choosing a donor??

K

 

stinkerbell6879

Hello :-) I am kinda in your same situation, I have known that I would need DE since I was 17yrs. old, and as much as you try to be ok with it, it can be hard to come to terms with it. So GOOD LUCK looking at donors and it will fall into place :-)

Lacyj67

Welcome to the board !!! I have had a different path of my IF struggles but similar to you in so many ways !
Quick back story on me is I've been with my DH since 1999 and pretty much new I would marry him.i was 19 when we met and DH was 24. So after dating a year I went off BCP. We got married in 2001 and not a single pregnancy. After being married about 5 years I begin to get worried and wonder what was wrong but money wise we were not in a position to start with a RE. About 4 years ago I began working with my gyno and did the clomid thing. No luck and no pregnancy. Decided two years ago to begin with a RE. Three ivfs later and no pregnancy and epic fails at making eggs of my own we have now moved forward with donor eggs. The process happened so quickly as of recent events that I am now currently in my first donor cycle set to have a frozen transfer in beginning sept.
I have had about a 6 months of processing the fact that we may need donor eggs and still trying to deal with the emotional parts of all this. If you ever want to private message me feel free! It's all such a new process and dealing with it is so hard. Good luck and you will find so much support here!!

melkel559

I don't have experience with your situation specifically but just wanted to say welcome and GL!!!

liz4paws

First off, welcome to the board. You will find tons of support here from women in similar situations!

We aren't using donor eggs, but instead are using donor embryos. There was a definite coming-to-terms aspect that took time. But I can tell you that not only does it get easier, it will be your normal eventually and be okay. You can even read the post a few threads down and see that some women even can't fathom having a pregnancy using their OE once they are fully on board with the DE. I'm just telling you this to try to comfort you to know it does get easier with time.

I haven't had to look for a egg donor, but I remember how strange it felt looking at profiles for embryo donors. Many posted photos of their children. I felt like I was shopping for a baby. It just seemed so strange. Just hang in there, feel the emotions fully as you come to them. One of the best things we did was talk to a counselor who specialized in donor gametes so if you haven't considered this, it would be my bit of advice. Again, welcome!

MrsT4

I wanted to welcome you as well! 

While I'm certainly no expert in the DE process, I can tell you that when I found the profile of the person I really wanted I just got "that feeling".  Of course, initially I did pick apart profiles, but in the end I selected someone who I thought was a good person and someone that I would like to know IRL (even though we went the anonymous route). 

When thinking about the qualities you are looking for in an egg donor, I think it's helpful to make a list of your "must haves" and "nice haves" as well as understand what is a true "deal-breaker".  For example, my initial plan was to choose someone with my exact ethnic heritage, but since that was more difficult to find, I focused more on basic traits (hair color, eye color, complexion) as well as a great health background and someone that was college educated or was currently in school.

Best of luck as you continue with this journey.  All of the ladies here are a great resource for all types of third party repro...so you're in good company!

LittleLady77

Hi welcome. We are also doing DE and picking a donor was wildly difficult.

At first I was focused on finding a donor that looked like me but that quickly went out the door as the girls who looked like me sounded silly in there answers. I then moved to girls I liked/connected with and it became easier. We had a pool of about 2,000 to pick from and it was overwhelming. 

We started by talking through our wants and strict requirements. We both agreed to have veto power so the decition would be ours together. Then we each picked our favorites and started narrowing down from there.

I totally agree that when you find girls who could work you just know!

Best of luck!  

2MamazInSeattle

Welcome to the board!!! I coordinate the weekly check-in and will add you to the check-in. Please join us with a weekly update/say hello on Mondays!

As for your post, I was old when I started and skipped even trying my own eggs because we just wanted a take-home baby. My wife (same sex couple) has always been adoption-minded so mostly it was just me who had to 'get over' not using my own eggs. Fortunately it wasn't too tough for me - clock ticking + some genetic things made it feel ok for me.

As for picking a donor - WEIRD! No one prepares you for that internet shopping trip at all. For us, we ended up with a donor who in my original review I wrote "no reason why not" on my excel spreadsheet where I was tracking the yes/no/maybe's. Not a rousing endorsement, but she ended up PERFECT. Part of it was letting go of availability issues, which nixed some of our faves, and eventually like a PP said going for someone we connected with and just thought we'd like as a person if we hung out with her. We used DS too and took the same approach - seemed like a nice enough guy, super cute, and just looked (as a kid anyhow) like a likeable person.

Best of luck as you select your DE - and definitely hang out with us, check in and keep us posted!

sarahjeri

@klaganza I have premature ovarian failure due to Mosaic Turner's Syndrome.  I knew from the day that we found out I have POF/MTS that donor egg would be a must to be able to try for a pregnancy.  I cried for a week straight.  At the time my husband (then boyfriend) and I were newly engaged and I wasn't sure he would want to marry me knowing that we would never have a 100% biological child.  Luckily for me, it didn't bother him, but it continued to bother me.  I was willing to try a lot of other options (including fostering & adoption) before I was open to the idea of using an egg donor.  One of the things that helped me to "get past" my own withholding from DE was having a ceremony to commemorate the babies that could have been.  We planted a tree in the front yard of our first house in their honor.  This more than anything else helped me to move on and accept my situation.  

Through the fostering & adoption classes we took I realized that using a donor that we knew was extremely important to me.  I never looked a profiles to choose our donor, but a LOT of considering went into who we wanted to use as our egg donor!  I assume that looking through profiles you are thinking about someone who looks like you, has a similar personality, etc.  We asked people we thought would be *ok* with being a donor AND being part of our future child's life.  It's hard to know what is the best option.  I think that making that decision will be one of the hardest choices in my life.

We ended up asking my favorite cousin, but she was 18 at the time and had a *weird* reaction, so we talked about using my DH sister as our egg donor and one of my brothers (2 were willing) as a sperm donor - thus keeping both of our genetics, but she wasn't a good candidate due to age - she was 37 at the time - and her AMH levels.  Another sister-in-law offered but also wasn't the best candidate because even though she was 25 at the time she had an elevated FSH.  Eventually we asked a friend of mine who already has 3 children, and was a good option for DE based on her blood work.   In July of 2011, 7 eggs were retrieved and fertilized.  We have 5 embryos frozen and are considering an FET for July 2014.    

@2mamazinseattle - would you add me to the weekly check-in as well?  I'm relatively new to the knot boards, and this group as of today.    

ArgyleBride

Hey there, welcome!  I am a donor, so I've never shopped for one, but I just wanted to say--it's not as though you're going to get a clone of whomever you chose.  It's just half the genetic material.  Sure, some looks, some predispositions or talents will be inherited, but in the end, this child is going to be 100% your child.  He or she will be his or her own person and once they join your family, no matter who your donor was, you won't be able to imagine changing a thing.  My aunt said something once in the context of failed marriages and hypothetical re-dos--no one is ever willing to have had different kids. 

xmaystarx

Hi and welcome!  You have found a great group who definitely can relate to the weirdness of donor selection.  I have not yet gone through it myself but am waiting in anticipation.