How to deal...

ambrvan

So I am thinking the best way to deal with BM being back in the picture is to treat it as if none of the horribke stuff ever happened. Does notto mean that it didn't, but... we have nothing else to do. We have done everything we possibly could so far save packing up and disappearing.

If I keep letting my feelings about her phone calls and impending or past visits show, SD is going to pick up on it. And that will do none of us any good.

So for now, we just wait it out and try to make this as positive as possible for SD? Because in her mind, mom is a super hero now and she jas even fantasized that she has gone and done special things with her that never happened or that we did with her. I always set these straight, but she really does not remember the things that happened. So in her mind, any hostility toward BM is undeserved and hurtful.

I guess I am not really looking for advice. Just validation maybe... Acting like this is normal seems like such a horrible thing to do. It feels like I am saying that we never believed her or her siblings at all. Like we are betraying her and them just like everyone else has.

This all really sucks. And that is the biggest understatement of my life.

CFjo2010

I've learned to do a lot of smiling and nodding and "that sounds great honey" when K goes on and on about BM.  And trust me, BM has done some horrendous things over the years (not nearly as bad as yours though, you still win there).  And you're right, SD will start to pick up on any hostility you feel towards BM and she'll either turn against you for feeling that way, or start trying to figure out why you feel that way.

All I can really suggest is the smiling and nodding and "that sounds great".  If it seems that SD is mixing up memories of what you and DH did with her and what BM has done with her, you can gently correct her.  Just make sure once you correct it, you let her continue to ramble on about how wonderful she thinks her mom is.  It's important for SD to feel like she's allowed to love her mom and more importantly feel like she's allowed to talk to you and DH about things, regardless of what those things may be.

Lavender P

I think you and DH should talk to a child psychologist on how to approach it. I am nervous that I'd you pretend like nothing happened at some point she may remember something awful then blame you and DH for covering for her mom. This is such a difficult situation and I wouldn't even begin I know to process it or how to help you SD so that there is minimal emotional upheaval to her. I don't think you would need to see someone regularly, just as a starting point during transition to see her mom again.

+just+j+

I agree with Lavender.  It never helps to get professional perspective for the times you are struggling the most.

I don't think you should ignore it and pretend it didn't happen.  That in my book is wrong.  You can however make it clear in a very healthy, respectable way that you do not agree or remember things the same way and that you are not a fan of BM and her past behavior. That's an understatement I'm sure but there is nothing wrong with you having conversation in the future that help clarify your stand.

Bite your lip and keep a polite face? Yes. That will be tough, but if you handle this thru their childhood as the one who had class, grace, and morality of right and wrong - they eventually will see their mother for who she really is and know what you did adn how you feel is and was right.

Littlejen22

Ugh it is so horrible you have to deal with this and that SD is bein subjected to her again but I agree that you have no choice.

Littlejen22

wendilea:

I still can't believe that b!tch got visitation again.nbsp; I agree with PP about approaching a professional on how to deal with it.nbsp; She has obviously repressed the memory, which puts you in a tough situation.nbsp; I'm not sure what is the best way to proceed.

How old was she when it all happened? My kids are only 7 and 4 and already do not remember a lot of huge happy events in their life and my son's classmate did not rember the name of their preschool teacher when I mentioned her yesterday and they had this teacher for two years and it was only 52 weeks ago. I don't know at what point it is repression versus normal not remembering from when you were younger. Either way I do think Wendi has a good point.

ambrvan

It would be normal not remembering, not repression necessarily. She was 3 when we inyervened enough to stop the big stuff. But she last took a shower with her mom on her 6th birthday, when we stopped allowing 'supervised' visitation and again were in contempt of thw CO, and she remembers taking showers with mom and sister all together. She just does not remember what she and sister said happened in those showers.

Oh but according to the investigator, it is perfectly normal for siblings to come up with stories like that that are identical and tell them to separate people at different times and be totally unaware that the other kid said the same thing to someone else. And then after the invesitgator told the children to stop lying and tell the truth, of course they told the forensic psychologist that they had never met before that nothing happened. Totally makes sense, right?

That's the system we deal with. But don't get me started.

Pamelacake

I am so sorry you have to go back to this. I'm still a noob and don't know all but have seen some of your posts since I've been here.

I fully agree.. they system sucks. CPS still hasn't contacted DH over a case that was started in April about SD's being given a sleeping aid.

The shower things really gets to me too. SD's now 5 and 6yo used to frequently take showers together to make it easier for BM. SD's haven't seen BM in over a month now but SD's threw a fit with me yesterday as to why they couldn't take a shower together. Other things have occurred with SD's, BM and shower as well. but cannot be proven.

In my case, SD's often say negative things about BM like calling her names and things like that. I just tell SD's that we shouldn't say bad things about anyone.

When BM came back into the picture after months of lying to SD's or just not calling for months, I tried to pretend it didn't happen and thought well maybe BM really has changed this time. Nope. not the case. I know it's extremely hard and I feel for you.. I really do.

I agree that counseling will help if you want to look into that.. It has helped my 6yo SD out tremendously.

Pamelacake

jobalchak:

I've learned to do a lot of smiling and nodding and "that sounds great honey" when K goes on and on about BM.  And trust me, BM has done some horrendous things over the years (not nearly as bad as yours though, you still win there).  And you're right, SD will start to pick up on any hostility you feel towards BM and she'll either turn against you for feeling that way, or start trying to figure out why you feel that way.

All I can really suggest is the smiling and nodding and "that sounds great".  If it seems that SD is mixing up memories of what you and DH did with her and what BM has done with her, you can gently correct her.  Just make sure once you correct it, you let her continue to ramble on about how wonderful she thinks her mom is.  It's important for SD to feel like she's allowed to love her mom and more importantly feel like she's allowed to talk to you and DH about things, regardless of what those things may be.

I also agree with everything in this post.. I thought I quoted in other post. Sorry

Pamelacake

jobalchak:

I've learned to do a lot of smiling and nodding and "that sounds great honey" when K goes on and on about BM.  And trust me, BM has done some horrendous things over the years (not nearly as bad as yours though, you still win there).  And you're right, SD will start to pick up on any hostility you feel towards BM and she'll either turn against you for feeling that way, or start trying to figure out why you feel that way.

All I can really suggest is the smiling and nodding and "that sounds great".  If it seems that SD is mixing up memories of what you and DH did with her and what BM has done with her, you can gently correct her.  Just make sure once you correct it, you let her continue to ramble on about how wonderful she thinks her mom is.  It's important for SD to feel like she's allowed to love her mom and more importantly feel like she's allowed to talk to you and DH about things, regardless of what those things may be.

I also agree with everything in this post.. I thought I quoted in other post. Sorry