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Blended Families
Pamelacake
member
clarification and vent BM is great!
Pamelacake
member
This was my WTF Wednesday post from late last night: WTF BM WHY are you calling DRUNK again. Your Voicemail made no sense... Going off on DH for trying to get full custody of SD'S... you dumb B!TCH... HE already has full custody of them! and saying if he follows through with it you will just tell the court that his wife (me) is a big wh0re and he puts his head in the pus$y... please do say that. You are so effing redic. and things were peaceful. So pathetic.. haven't seen SD's in I don't even know how long now and didn't even ask about them. Mother of the effin year award goes to....LAME
I apologize for all of the profanities... I really need to clarify.
BM only wanted me involved before to babysit her kids full time... SD's were not to have feelings for me or call me mom.. and I wasn't supposed to establish feelings for them even though BM chose not to see or talk to SD's for months at a time. This is how it was supposed to be in BM's fantasy land.
Bm is now coming around to see SD's maybe once a month. I don't go outside.. I do not respond to her messages anymore.. I used to bc DH's responses would have been much worse with name calling and all of that and I document everything.
BM lives about 20 minutes from us also in a small town. DH and I both have family that live there as well. BM has been telling everyone , including gas station attendant that BM has SD's all of the time. The gas station attendant asked my SIL on DH's side about it one day and said that BM goes in there everyday and is always F'ed up. no matter what time of day. .. but yet says she has her kids all the time. MIL sees her at the bar every weekend, MIL doesn't drink but FIL plays on a pool league so she goes along with.
As far as her voicemail.. DH had me respond to it acted to be him. I said exactly this:
: I don?t know what half of your voicemail said You sound drunk, don?t know why you think I?m trying to get full custody, I already have that.
DH was then upset with me bc I didn't put anything in there to defend me.
I tried to reason with DH that it wasn't about me.. we both know how she is.. she will say anything to get a response. I didn't realize he was calling BM and they ended up having a screaming match. I didn't get to record it. but heard part of it.
About the (I guess, original reason) for the voicemail.. We have no idea where that came from. She was cussing and screaming and threatening for DH to go ahead and try to get full custody of her kids and she would just say xyz..some of it mentioned above. DH already has full custody, So I don't get where she is calling out of nowhere with this. Maybe she is even more crazy than I thought.
Sorry for the bold.. it won't come off!! I'm wondering if she got CPS papers back and we didn't yet as DH has been checking the po box everyday. I figure it would be too soon to get anything about a court date.
oh well time will tell.. Thanks for listening!
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
This discussion has been closed.
Re: clarification and vent BM is great!
Why would you or DH respond to the VM at all? Don't feed into the drama.
This. Don't feed the bear.
Come here and vent, but I would not respond to these kinds of calls or voicemails. If she calls drunk and either of you answer say calmly, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to call back another time. Please do so when you are sober." And then hang up.
Do not play into her drama. I know it's hard, but responding to it only will cause it to continue. Who cares what she says to other people. Don't you think they can tell she's full of crap? Trust that.
We haven't been responding to it at all and things have been way more calm by just ignoring and documenting.
DH wanted to respond to see what she was talking about. That's why I left the drama out of the text.. I didn't put anything about myself in the text and DH was mad at me for not defending.. I looked at that as feeding into it and that's what BM wanted. I don't care what she says about me.. I actually find it amusing as she knows nothing about me. I wasn't going to respond at all but DH wanted to know why she was thinking that. He wasn't happy with the text I sent so DH called BM and it turned into a huge fight. I was on the other end of the house from DH and heard him screaming.. that was when I realized he had called her.
BM has called DH 6 times so far this morning acting like last night didn't even happen because she wants him to comply to only have SD's for one day this weekend. DH called me to tell me about it and I told him to just ignore it as it would just turn into fighting again.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
But you DID respond. When you texted or called, or whatever - THAT IS DRAMA. You gave her a message. You reacted. Even if you think you "left the drama out", you didn't. You responded to her inappropriate behavior. And now you're not responding to her calls?? You shouldn't have in the first place.
When she does this, you both need to not respond to anything but sensible conversation about the children.
When XH acts like an , or diverges to anything but DD, I say, "Okay. I can't continue this conversation. I'll talk to you later. Goodbyyyyye!!!" And I hang up.
Sometimes our conversations hang on the edge of being drama induced, but XH knows where the line is. It took a while, but I just don't engage in silliness anymore. There isn't a need to re-hash crap.
If you can't get get a grip on this - you need to consider a mediator to handle the business between your husband and his ex. This puts you way too much on the edge and it's obviously stressing you out. You need to find a way to cope and let it go.
BM calls drunk a lot and wants to fight. everything was responded to before but all calls are ignored and sent to voicemail now and aren't responded to unless BM does have a question about SD's (rarely happens)
I know they know she's full of it. She said in the VM that she was going to tell the lawyer that.. It's really ridiculous.
I didn't want to text but knew if DH called they would just fight. Of course, when he called, she had a house full of ppl yelling at DH in the background and laughing and none of it was about SD's. That's why I asked him to please not call but DH was mad at me for not defending myself in the text.
IMO.. It's not about me. It's about SD's. BM just wanted the drama. I simply wanted to know if BM had received something about court as we haven't and I'm pretty disappointed with the attorney. He isn't responding to emails or phone calls. I didn't come out and ask in the text b/c BM will usually just give the info thinking she will get info in return to use to her advantage.
DH was so livid about what she said about me that he didn't even ask about it when on the phone with BM. Needless to say.. I went to bed upset with DH last night and he was upset with me. DH didn't call her about SD's.. DH called BM to fight about what BM said about me.
It doesn't make sense though.. She was talking about full custody.. DH already has physical, full, legal and sole custody. So I'm pretty sure she was just calling to badmouth me but use the custody thing as an excuse.
I wasn't feeding into that but yeah.. We haven't responded to anything like that in a while. I thought we were curious about legal paperwork but it turns out it was just me.
SorrY.. Thought I quoted this.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I have been thinking about mediation A LOT! I haven't brought it up to DH for the simple fact that depending on his mood... He will make himself look like an a$$ and BM if a very good pretender and manipulator but if spent enough time with.. isn't difficult to figure out.
I am kind of secretly hoping that a mediator is suggested in court.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I didn't want to. We haven't responded to BM's voicemails like this for I don't even know how long now It has been months. I believe... DH wanted me to text her pretending to be him so I worded things like he would have, or DH was going to call BM.
DH wasn't happy with my text bc I didn't put anything in there about myself so DH called anyways. I don't feel that it should be about me.. not in our situation. It's about SD's.
I was curious to see if she had gotten something from court, I didn't specifically ask about it. but yes.. her VM made no sense as DH does have custody. When BM got court papers for Child support BM thought it was for something completely different.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Part of your problem is your DH then. If he can't see that what she says is to just bait him, then it's no wonder why she calls and eggs him on. He should be hanging up immediately. He needs to see that.
As far as checking as to if she got something from the courts because you didn't... who cares if she did. It's not your business to make sure she got anything, and it has nothing to do with whether or not you received anything. if you got a long, then yeah...I could see you both discussing this, but you don't. That's what your lawyer is for. Call him. Or call or visit the Clerk's Office. By calling her, you are just opening the door for more crap.
Follow the CO. Stick to the CO. Both you and your husband need to stop entertaining what she says on any level. if you don't, you're going to grow weary and resentful. I did. My XH had me handling all of his business and it grew exhausting. The only way you are going to get him to see he shouldn't react is by not participating AT ALL. Step out of it. When he wants you to do something, or respond, or call, or arrange, or check for him... tell him "I'm sorry, but I think the best way to deal wtih her is stop engaging in this stupidity. If you want to, be my guest, but I'm not supporting this anymore. And I'm happier not dealing with her drama anymore. You don't have to either."
Until he can figure out how to only discuss business and dis-engage from her drama quickly and promptly...he's going to be miserable. And so are you. Unless of course you really do enjoy it on some level.
Food for thought.
I think it's ok to slip up. So what, you responded with two sentences. It is hard sometimes when your deal with effed up people who continue to bother you.
It bottles up, and it's only human that one day they catch you at a bad time and your respond. I think PP's are being too hard, including just J. Not too long ago, she was feeding into XH's drama, too. It all comes in waves. As long as you now know not to do it and you conciously try to not make that mistake again...it's all good.
Same for your H. She caught him on a bad day, it rubbed him the wrong way. So, he called her back and bitched her out. It probably felt good to do it this once, so chalk it up to that, and try not to do it again. No need to be mad at him, he is not dealing with a rational person after all. At least now you know that it leads to nowhere.
Thank you and you have given me some really good advice on other posts as well. DH was doing well with not responding. DH would come in from work, hand me the phone if BM had left a vm or 20, I would document it and that would be it.
I'm not sure what his deal was.. I know he had a bad day.. maybe just wanted to fight with someone. no clue. I'm not trying to stick up for his actions by any means, I know that shouldn't have been handled like that. I thought I could prevent the phone call by sending the text as he had asked.
I fully agree that any response could have fueled it, BM actually didn't respond to the text. For the simple fact that it wasn't about the drama. I have stepped back a lot but when they go to court, don't want to DH looking like an A$$ because of the way he speaks to BM. And when I say I document everything.. I leave nothing out.. not the name calling to BM from DH either. Everything is included and sent to the atty.
The attorney on the other hand...I'm getting a little upset with. I know he's a busy attorney and blah blah blah.. I just hope we chose the right one. He has not responded to DH's call from last week.
I don't enjoy it at all. That's why I came here to vent about it. and the vent I put on the WTF post last night was very impulsive of me. I was actually laying in bed, fuming mad at DH and got back online and posted that.
Thank You again. I'm going to have a talk with DH about this today when he gets home.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Thank you. Not trying to bash my DH here but the real problem is DH doesn't really deal with it at all. WHen the C/O was first put in place last November DH said he wasn't sending SD's at all. I told DH he had to or he could be held in contempt. I was the one to let SD's call BM on the phone. I had to deal with all of it, arranging the visits, as well as explaining to SD's that BM wasn't feeling well or things like that when she actually just didn't show up. I don't do this anymore... this was back then.
DH has been on board with not responding to the negativity for months now.. and last night I think maybe you're right.. Maybe it was just built up inside him and he wanted to explode. IDK. I'm assuming BM hung up on DH last night after fighting for a while b/c he tried calling her back 3 or 4 times. I pleaded with him to stop. He got mad at me and went to bed.
DH doesn't know half of what BM calls and leaves on the VM's. He doesn't listen to them.. He comes in, hands me the phone and I document, If there is a legitimate question about SD's, I let him know and he handles it. That rarely happens.. That's why he just hands me the phone without listening first.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Yes I am. DH works all the time and I'm a SAHM. I have been wondering myself lately if this will ultimately tear us apart. SD's need someone and DH thinks I am only staying for them. SD's need attention and random and regular care when DH is home as well and so yes.. I do tend to their needs and read to them and all of the stuff I did with my kids at those ages. So DH feels neglected and left out. I have tried to get him involved with board games and things.. DH always says he is interested but when it comes time.. doesn't play.
DH does work long hours and I know he is tired when he gets home... so we try to plan to hang out and just watch a movie when he does get a day off. DH doesn't understand that I will still have to tend to the kids... they don't magically disappear. DH is doing a lot better than he was in the beginning but much room for improvement when it comes to spending time with them, or doing things as a family.
DH is still learning. He was with BM for 5 yrs and the children were ignored and yelled at a lot and at very young ages. This was BM's method.. BM pretended SD's didn't exist to the point where she would leave them alone in the house when they laid down to take a nap. 5yo SD used to wake up from her nap in tears running through the house looking for me b/c she thought I wouldn't be here.
There is just so much negative history in these kids' lives, I could probably write a book. and it started before they were even born. BM stabbed herself in the stomach while pregnant with one, constantly punched herself in the stomach with the other and tried to od with the third who didn't make it anyways. He passed away at 3 months due to "accidental suffocation" BM tried to sell that baby before this happened.
Sorry I am rambling.. I am very overwhelmed with this. I think I may start seeing a psychiatrist where SD's go.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
I'm sorry but if your DH stayed with her and impregnated her three times despite her stabbing and punching herown stomach while pregnant the first few times, he is just as much to blame for those kids issues. He clearly knew all of this abuse and neglect and drug use was going on, or at least knew of some of it. In previous posts you talkabout how before you came into the picture everyone ignored your oldest SD and let her cry in her room alone all of the time. That includes DH. He honestly sounds like a POS to me.
I think you make a lot of excuses for your DH and that he sounds really insecure in your relationship. You said he works long hours and doesn't understand how much time and effort goes into taking care of the kids. That is because he doesn't do it. Even if you are a sahm, they are still his kids and his responsibility. My DH works over 50 hours a week and is in school 4 nights a week. I work as well, but since his schedule is busier, I tend to pick up the house and child care needs. However, he is still responsible for helping out in taking care of SS and DS. On the weekends, he takes SS on errands with him and makes sure to spend some quality time together. He still puts DS down for naps, gets him dressed, changes diapers etc. Even if it is not as much as he would like, it is a start.
Also, it is awful that BM was beating her stomach when prefnant and completely neglecting the SDs, but where was DH during all of this? He couldn't have been completely unaware of what was going on. It seems like he is as uninterested in his children as BM.
Finally, I think you and DH should go to marriage counseling. You said before he believed oldest SD when she said you were cheating on him and now you said he thinks you are only staying for the SDs. That is not a healthy relationship and you need to address that to give your marriage a chance of withstanding all the stress.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but you seem like a really nice person and you work so hard for your SDs. I just hope that your DH is doing the same for them and for you.
I do make excuses for DH. it was much worse before. DH would have to make BM stop. Right before he kicked BM out DH came home to her trying to hang herself in front of SD's.
DH is very insecure in our relationship. He always wonders why I want to be with him now. He has wanted to be with me since we were kids.
DH does spend time with the kids when he can. He leaves for work usually around 6:30am and sometimes doesn't get back until 9pm.
I totally get where you say he seems uninterested in the kids like BM but he does work his butt off to provide what we need. And I think it used to be that way. A lot of things have changed since I have been in the picture and like I said, maybe in another post.. He did treat the kids differently. He didn't realize it until I pointed it out to him. DH still has lots of work to do. I know I'm not perfect.
I know DH cares about all of his kids considering the fact that none of them may not be biologically his.. He doesn't see it that way.
I hope this has a good outcome but have been questioning it myself.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
Yes letting SD cry in her room really ticked me off! DH said he didn't know what to do for her..as that is all she wanted to do since she was very little. She wanted positive attention. that's all! That one still makes me mad to think about it.
I know a lot of the kids' issues could have been prevented. DH was scared BM could take SD's from him due to what happened in his previous marriage. DH should have just gotten an attorney then but he was scared to lose.
I know it sounds like I am tyring to still stick up for DH.. Do I think things should have been done differently? YES. But I have no control over that or the past. =(
I'm just trying to make it better for them now. I hope I can get DH back on board. and things moving forward with DH as far as the kids go again.
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5
This is such a horrible situation for the kids and you. I know that there are three sides to every situation (his, hers, and the truth), but from what I've read on this post your husband sounds messed up. He needs to step-up and be a man for you and a father for his kids!! What was he doing with her for those years and why would he have kids with someone like that? He needs his head examined. The kids' mom is a wreck and a waste of air.
You sound like you're trying your best to do good in a bad situation. I hope things work out for your and your step-daughters.
I'm really trying to work with him on things. DH grew up with a father figure that beat him, was not allowed to have certain food b/c it was only for the other siblings.. it was horrible. DH was sold by his BD for 5,000. I know a lot of his issues come from this.
DH was always working because he wanted the best of everything for SK's, even before younger SD's came along. BM lied about her age as she was able to do as she pleased. BM was 15 years old and DH thought she was 20. I still think this is stupid on DH's part b/c He could have easily figured that one out. BM is in her early -mid 20's now and still acts 15.
I do have a lot of sympathy for DH.. I grew up around his family as our parents used to be friends.
DH is doing a lot better than he was before but lots of room for improvement. I know DH loves all of the kids. There's a huge probability that at least 1/2 of them aren't his, including SD's but that doesn't matter to him.
I hope he comes out of this and we can have a "happily ever after" I'm not sure how it will end up but I did tell DH before we were married that if we for some reason separated... Youngest SD's were going with me. lol
My Loves= SD 18 SS 16 SS13 DD13 DS10 SD6 SD5