What is the right way to respond?

Hopeforthebest

We are awaiting yet another harassing email from BM regarding Summer with the kids.

She doesn't communicate all year, until our big 6 week visitation and then it is accusations, questions (that she can ask but never answer herself),etc.

My husband has kept is cool ALWAYS with her and only emails/txts.

But he is about to come unglued. He doesn't want to be an a$$ and she HATES when he refers to the CO about something-- "don't quote the CO to me".

So would it be wrong of him to basically respond to the next email in a string of emails she has begun with the following:

"I'm done. Either be there with the kids or don't. I'm in 100% compliance with the CO and can only be responsible for my actions".

And then show up at the meeting spot and go from there based on what she does or doesn't do?

She is SO VERY EFFING good at twisting things and looking like the victim and I just don't want anything biting DH in the A$$ if they go to court.

2chatter

We only respond to matters relevant to the children that are in accordance with the CO.  So if exh asks me how work is going, I ignore.  If BM asks DH what we plan to do on Saturday he ignores.  If BM sends a multipage ranting email with two relevant questions in it (like what time will you pick up on Friday and where is the money for activity we have never heard of) DH responds with something like "I will pick up the kids at 5 PM.  Please provide receipts for reimbursement."

Zero emotion, facts only.  BM here goes in cycles as well, and right now is a down cycle so it's working.  In an up cycle it gets stressful for DH to not respond to her rants that the children hate him, she hates him, she feels sorry for me, she wants to know why he thought he was entitled to have DS with me, she demands more money, etc.  It's a skill he has built over time though to scan emails for matters relevant to the children and ignore the rest.

Hopeforthebest

He does exactly like you suggested regarding only responding to the children related questions and always with the facts...hence where she gets pissed and the "don't quote me the CO" responses.

This last string she actually said "don't delete part of my question...please answer it" There was NO question in the part he left out...just a bunch of statements.

She is an idiot.

SueBear

So what if she doesn't want the CO quoted? She does not get to dictate how he responds. I personally would suggest "I am 100% in compliance with the CO. Please ensure that the children arrive on time at the meeting spot for their visitation in compliance with the CO." SAYING "I'm done" can be taken in a number of different ways, including "I'm done with the children." Also, the words mean nothing unless he ACTS like he is done fighting through his actions. I would also not give her the OPTION of not showing up. Your DH needs to treat this like a business transaction and keep all emotion out of it. She is trying to manipulate / push his buttons / get a response. She is not entitled to an answer if it does not directly relate to the children (or $).

twister22

SueBear:

So what if she doesn't want the CO quoted? She does not get to dictate how he responds. I personally would suggest "I am 100% in compliance with the CO. Please ensure that the children arrive on time at the meeting spot for their visitation in compliance with the CO." SAYING "I'm done" can be taken in a number of different ways, including "I'm done with the children." Also, the words mean nothing unless he ACTS like he is done fighting through his actions. I would also not give her the OPTION of not showing up. Your DH needs to treat this like a business transaction and keep all emotion out of it. She is trying to manipulate / push his buttons / get a response. She is not entitled to an answer if it does not directly relate to the children (or $).

This. Your DH needs to continue to be mature and business like, don't throw in the towel - that's giving in to BM and she'll feel like she has control. Don't give her that. 

Hopeforthebest

Thanks SueBear. This is exactly why I like to ask you guys things. You have a perspective I might be missing. The words "I'm done" he would mean as in I'm done answering your questions and the back and forth.

Thank you for pointing out how it could have been taken differently.

fellesferie

Damn those facts always getting in the way! Do you think she'd complain if she got pulled over by a cop who quoted statutes to her?

I think you've gotten good advice. I would agree that if he says "I'm done," he should specify that he's done with the discussion. I wouldn't know for sure how to interpret that. 

CFjo2010

SueBear:

So what if she doesn't want the CO quoted? She does not get to dictate how he responds. I personally would suggest "I am 100% in compliance with the CO. Please ensure that the children arrive on time at the meeting spot for their visitation in compliance with the CO."  

^^This.  I''m sure BM would be the first to throw out verbatim what the CO says if your DH acted in contra.

Keep the response short, sweet and to the point.  No emotion, just facts.