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Parenting
proudworkingmom82
member
Tell me about 123 magic
proudworkingmom82
member
in Parenting
Some of you mentioned something called 123 magic in my post about spanking. I am interested in what this is exactly. And for those of you that asked the problem I am having with DD is she doesn't listen to me about anything. She screams at me like literally screams at me. She screams at me telling me I'm mean and tries to tell me what to do (for instance she will scream something like Mommy you can't sit in that chair or mommy you can't go for a walk, it's like she doesn't respect my authority at all). She also constantly sticks her tongue out at me and throws tantrums. I do not like the way I feel after I spank her and do not plan to continue doing it. However I need something new to try with her, Time out and taking things away just aren't working for me. I feel like I am failing as a mother. Any book suggestions or parenting strategy suggestions are welcome. TIA.
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Re: Tell me about 123 magic
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/1889140430/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1371692110&sr=8-1&keywords=123+magic
ETA I've not read Parenting with Love and Logic but I've heard good things. I had a copy of Teaching with Love and Logic that I referenced a lot
https://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Love-Logic-Updated-Expanded/dp/1576839540/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1371692128&sr=1-1&keywords=parenting+with+love+and+logic
I love both. I'm a FTM and a reader (my friends make fun of me) but I needed solutions and I really liked them!
ETA: GL, OP. I didn't read the original post, but I understand your frustration.
Thanks!
Do you use any positive reinforcement with her? Praise her (almost to the point of being over-the-top) when she behaves appropriately and shows you respect? Maybe utilize a reward system where she can earn stickers or something and work towards earning a special treat - going for ice cream, or a new toy, or something. You could sit down with her and both of you together come up with a list of expected behaviors and choose rewards she would earn for complying.
When I taught I would utilize something like this for my kids:
They start the day at the neutral one (in this one it's "ready to learn") and then move up their clip...if they demonstrate good behavior you move them up, if they're acting inappropriately you move them down (to "warning", then "consequence"). You could probably make one and tailor it to your household. If she ends the day on one of the positive steps she gets her stickers or whatever. If she ends the day on a negative step she doesn't get the stickers. You're not taking anything away from her, she's just not earning whatever it is she might desire.
Good call, Mrs. G.
We have a sticker chart. Sounds stupid, but it helps a lot.
OP, also remember, we ALL have bad days. I lost my temper today and screamed like Cthulhu was coming out of my throat. Felt like shiit after and cried in the bathroom.
Shiit happens. You realized you need to change. Good first steps!
It's a pretty basic system.
Let's say your DD is screaming at you.
DD: You're mean!!
Mom: That's 1.
DD: Be quiet!!! Leave me alone!!
Mom: That's 2.
DD: You can't do that!!
Mom: That's 3. Take five.
The "take five" is the time out. It's the cooling off period for the child. In the beginning, you will probably have to physically make her go to time out. 123 Magic recommends doing time out in the child's bedroom, regardless of whether there are toys or whatnot in there to entertain them. It's more about the cooling off and the book basically says "if their room was so awesome, wouldn't they be in there already?"
With DS1 we count and then he gets time out in his room. We explain why he is going in time out and then put him in his room with the door locked. We lock the door because he will open it and leave if he is given the chance. He is one that enjoys a power struggle and I have to do what I can to minimize getting into conflict with him. We tried time outs downstairs on a mat but he would just keep getting up in an effort to get our attention, even if it was negative. Locking him in his room kind of takes all of that away. Someone earlier in the spanking thread said that she thought that locking the child in his/her room was borderline abusive compared to a swat on the butt but, really, 3 minutes in his room is not going to scar him for life. Eventually we will probably be able to just tell him to go and he will do it.
There are also techniques in the book for getting a child to do things that you want them to do. There are several different techniques so I won't go into them. You kind of have to find the one that works best for your kid.
What I like about it is that it is no nonsense. There isn't a lot of talking or engagement. It's just 123 and done. I tend to lose my cool if I let myself get roped into an argument so it helps keep me from engaging too much.
+1
I yelled at DS the other day because he's been waking up super early and was whining nonstop and I'm just a beast when I'm sleep deprived. He gave me the saddest pout and said "I go to Nana's house."
I used 123 Magic when DS was about 3. I do not agree with everything in the book, but the premise worked for us. No arguing, no lecture, 3 chances then time out. The only way that it works is if you are consistent. I mean every-single-frikkin-time. And that goes for any discipline method. Consistency is KEY.
DS is very strong willed. He is smart (aka manipulative) with lots of energy. He is an AMAZING kid. Very outgoing, confident, social and athletic. But with his personality the rules have to be clear and we have to stick to them... Or he will try to walk all over us!
we have found that the best way to "manage" him is to set up rules and allow him to "manage" himself. Honestly, it works with his personality. For example, he got a Wii U from grandparents for Xmas. He wanted to play all day every day. We set up a rule (after many tantrums) that he could not play on weekdays, and for one hour each on Sat and Sunday. Now instead if arguing, we let him figure out when he wants to play on the Wii and he knows after a hour he has to get off. No discussion about it during the week. No arguing, no tantrums, those are the rules. But if we slide and let him play on a week day the begging, crying, etc starts again. So we stay consistent.
GL!
One of the most important facets of 123 Magic is to show them no emotion when they are acting out. You don't yell, you don't scream, you don't raise your voice. You stay calm and in control. The theory in the book is that they act out to draw attention to themselves, negative or positive. Yelling at them/fighting with them is giving them what they want. When they do something that deserves a time out, the goal is essentially immediate withdrawal of your attention. You absolutely cannot let them know that they are getting to you by yelling back at them.
If they do something really bad, you can just do, "That's 3, time out." You don't have to start at 1 and give them chances to correct their behavior if it's really egregious.
Also, the second half of 123 Magic is to give them a metric crapton of positive reinforcement when they do things that are good. "Yay, you put your shoes on by yourself! What a good job!", "Look at you sitting quietly and coloring so nicely. That's great! Can I see your beautiful picture?", "Thank you for putting your book away when you were done!! That was so nice of you, honey!", etc. You encourage the behavior you want by showering them with praise, and you only punish bad behavior.
I've never done a reward chart but I do say "Thank you for listening to mommy" Or Thank you for whatever it is she has done. I guess I need to get a reward chart or something and really push the positive reinforcement.
Try to be really specific with the praise as well. Not just good job, but that was so responsible to put your book back in the right spot! Try to highlight the skill.
Also, on the neutrality of it. Think of it as a respect issue. If she makes a choice that she knows will result in a consequence, and you don't give her the consequence, you are disrespecting her decisions. You have too respect her choices by giving the consequences she chooses to earn. This line of thinking really helps me in my classroom.
Finally, I've been working my way through the Positive Discipline books. I like them because they focus on the same researchers I learned about in Ed Psych in college, however it's not it's complete solution.
BFP#1 "Watermelon" born 3/2011
BFP#2 "Pumpkin" 7/14/12 ~ EDD 3/23/13 ~ Natural M/C 8/3/12 @ 7 weeks
BFP#3 "Pineapple" born 4/2013
BFP#4 "Grapefruit" EDD 3/29/16
Try to be really specific with the praise as well. Not just good job, but that was so responsible to put your book back in the right spot! Try to highlight the skill.
Also, on the neutrality of it. Think of it as a respect issue. If she makes a choice that she knows will result in a consequence, and you don't give her the consequence, you are disrespecting her decisions. You have too respect her choices by giving the consequences she chooses to earn. This line of thinking really helps me in my classroom.
Finally, I've been working my way through the Positive Discipline books. I like them because they focus on the same researchers I learned about in Ed Psych in college, however it's not it's complete solution.
BFP#1 "Watermelon" born 3/2011
BFP#2 "Pumpkin" 7/14/12 ~ EDD 3/23/13 ~ Natural M/C 8/3/12 @ 7 weeks
BFP#3 "Pineapple" born 4/2013
BFP#4 "Grapefruit" EDD 3/29/16