MIL

girlyjo

I have a few notions about parenting that conflict with my MIL's perspective. She insists that after a few months I'll be giving in to whatever DS wants just so there is peace. Well, I certainly don't want that to be the case but I wondered if that's what you all have found out - Do you give up on your own notions of how things should be done just to have a little peace in your home?

Example: I don't want to get DS used to being walked to sleep. He's only a month old, but I don't want to be in the habit of doing it. MIL insists that they can't be 'spoiled' at so young an age and even when he grows up I'll do whatever it takes to get him to sleep.

danieliza1127

In the example you gave, you are totally right.  You'll be doing yourself and your baby a favor if you can teach her to sleep without having to be walked or rocked or whatever. 

I don't know though, it's case by case.  There are definitely times that if my LO is crying for the remote control, we just take the battery out and go ahead and give him the remote control.  You have to pick your battles.  Some things that aren't important you will give in to keep some peace, other things you'll decide you won't give in to.  

When your MIL offers advice or suggestions, just be polite, nod and smile, and move on.  Just like with the baby, you have to pick your battles.  If she says "oh in a few months you'll be giving in all the time for some peace and quiet!" just smile and say "we'll see!" and move on.

meganandchase

I have read a few books about babies in general and sleeping patterns specifically.  For the example you gave, what I have read, and what I've seen in my experience, is that MIL is right.  You can't spoil a baby at one month.  At that age, you should be doing whatever has to be done to get the child the sleep he needs.  At 3 months is when you start breaking any habits.

In general though, I think you will find that you are willing to loosen up on some things and either hold the line or get tougher on others.  You'll decide based on what's important to you, and hopefully MIL respects that.

khill86

In short, yes. There are some things I thought we wouldn't do and did end up doing.

For example, we said DS would be in his crib from day one. He ways. Always has been. We never room shared or really bed shared.

But then when DS was tiny, he did great napping. After about 5 weeks he just really struggled. I swore up and down that I'd never get into the habit of DS napping on me. Well after about a month spending the entire day trying to get him to nap in his crib, it just turned into a terrible waste of a day for both of us. To get him the sleep he needed, I gave in and let him nap on me. He still does, but he's only down to one nap a day and quite frankly, I enjoy that time snuggled up together and have no plans to stop. When he's at daycare at naptime, he sleeps in a PNP with no problem. Will we stop eventually? Sure. Do I care that I'm doing something I said I wouldn't? Nope.

We said we'd never bed share. When I do overnight shifts at work, DH is on night duty and DS wakes up once or twice. DH finds that they both get the most sleep by him bringing DS into our bed after he wakes up. It doesn't bother me any. It's not every night and we don't do it when I'm home and it makes no difference in DS's ability to sleep in his crib.

So, on one hand, sure there are things we "gave in" on, but as DS's mom, I reserve the right to change my mind once we're "in it" and I have no guilt about that. I'd say we stuck to our plans on most things, and change our minds when we needed to, but iit certainly not like we had to do a 180 on everything we planned on.

mandy522

My mother in law and I butt heads on baby issues a lot. I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm a terrible parent. I'm learning to be OK with it. We do what works for our family, and she isn't the only one who thinks I'm an idiot - people all over who you've never met will feel the need to tell you how to parent and what you are doing wrong, and you learn to ignore it. I do agree that you will probably start picking your battles down the line, but you get to figure out what things are really important to you on your own. I'm guessing I will be figuring things out for approximately 18 more years

If you are curious about baby sleep (given the example you mentioned) visit the website Troublesome Tots. There is a wealth of info about baby sleep and what's normal and when you can rock and when you should start putting down awake (and maybe some good ammunition for talks with your MIL!)

Kissty

There are some things I have done that I said I wouldn't.  For example: The Binky - I didn't want DS to use one, I personally don't like seeing a 2 or 3 yr old walking around with a binky.  Fast forward to night 2 (the first night I was allowed to have son in my hospital room)  When the nurse brought him into my room there was a binky in his bassinet.  Well, at 3 am he started wailing - insert binky.  I have always taken it away when he falls asleep as I have never had the desire to play replug the binky all night long.

Another example is that I did not want him to ever sleep with me.  Well that's not the case either.  He has spent a few nights in my bed.  Last night is an example of that.  After DH trying to get him back to sleep for over an hour I put him in bed with me.

Like pp have said you pick your battles.  Go with your gut.  DH family doesn't agree with everything we do, but he is our child.  It's really hard to always hear "Wait til you have children" "Before long you'll do whatever it takes for peace"  "In my day we (fill in the blank)" and the endless "you should (fill in the blank)"  Try and ignore as much of that as possible.  Take the advice from others with a grain of salt.  A lot of the people giving these "gems" of advice haven't had a newborn in over 30 years.  Times and science have changed since then.  Researching things will give you the peace of mind you need in order to know you are doing what is right for your child whether others agree or not.

Chin up mom.  I have learned to never say never.

JulesDiane

He IS too young to be spoiled! You need to meet his needs at this point. I do not rock DD to sleep now. I put her down awake. Although, at 1 month old, I did what she needed.

mben1119

I completely agree with your MIL in your example. I rocked DS to sleep for months, and still do on the rare occasion he's not feeling well and needs it. A one month old is still a newborn, and isn't just going to pass out on their own, more often than not. Whether its walking, or rocking, or baby wearing, we (most of us, anyway) want to do what is best for our LO. And you absolutely CAN NOT spoil a newborn.

And you're going to have to drop the rigidity and learn to adapt- how I thought I would parent was completely different before I got KTFU, then changed during my pregnancy, was totally different when DS was a newborn, and now is a whole other ball game. You do what works in the moment.

shafer932013

With my daughter it really wasn't a big deal. It is hard to spoil a baby at that age. They are used to being held and cuddled while inside of you and thats still what they want.  When DD turned 6 months though I decided it was time she sleep in the crib. She is now 9 months old and does great going to bed when we want her too.

britbratjf

Well my LO is 11 months old and no I do not give into whatever she wants just so there is peace.  IMO that's not setting any kind of good example for her.  She may be a baby but she can't have whatever she wants or do whatever she wants. 

 

Regarding the sleep thing, your MIL is right that your LO can't be spoiiled at such a young age.  However, if you want to start trying to put him down drowsy but awake and see if he's able to fall asleep on his own there's nothing wrong with that AS LONG AS you are not letting him cry.  We started the drowsy but awake thing with DD when she was 2 months and it took a few weeks for her to get it (she would fuss a bit so we would go back, pick her up, rock her, put her back down, etc.) but it's the best thing we ever did because we've never run into issues with her not being able to fall asleep on her own.  However, don't expect a miracle at that age because your LO has likely not learned how to self-soothe but as long as you aren't letting him cry it out then it's find to try and get him to fall asleep on his own.   

mamaHippo23

I said I would never ask my parents to babysit or help out on short notice. Well that went out the window after about the first week or so. I realized that they truly do want to help and it is really priceless to have someone who will rush right over whenever we're struggling. I still try to limit how much I ask for their help, but we would be lost without their support.

allardr

In your example I'm with MIL, but you're parent so you rule! --I wish when LO was that young I didn't worry about patterns, etc and just enjoyed naps on my chest, etc. How I miss those!

Overall we're very case by case. We dont' follow a strict sleep strategy or other things. I pick my battles. I dont' call it giving in, it's just life...example: around 3 months I stopped nursing LO to sleep and she learned to put herself asleep. However some nights she's extra fussy from teething or just wants held, I have no problem nursing her to sleep then. 

melody921

While you can't spoil a baby, you can get him accustomed to certain patterns, such as needing to be walked or rocked or nursed to sleep. I'm definitely not a pushover parent, and I firmly believe in structure and rules. But I'm not as rigid on everything as I once was. Maybe I'm just getting tired, lol. I think you pick the battles that are crucial to you and some more minor things just naturally fall by the wayside.