IL relationship with SD versus DC

HoolyGo

As a recap, I am due in August and have a 3 almost 4 year old SD. DH is not from the US and my ILs live in the country in Europe he is from. His dad speaks a little English, his mom none.

I don't want to create things to worry about, but lately I've been concerned about SD feeling left out of the relationship between my ILs and my DC. SD only speaks English and is unable to really communicate with her grandparents. DH does call them on Skype 2 to 4 times per month when she's with us, but there seems to be a lack of connection there. DH has not yet been able to take SD "home" though we're hoping to be able to next year without getting courts involved.

DH will be a SAHD with this baby and will be able to teach the baby his language. His parent's have already made plans to come to the US twice in the first 6 months of our baby's life and are flying DH's adult brother out with his girlfriend one of those times. whereas they have only visited once in SD's life, and she's never met her uncle. They just seem more excited, I think in part because they feel like they'll be able to have a closer relationship with this child. But, I don't want SD to feel left out. Obviously she'll see them when they visit, but the stated reason for both visits is to see the new baby.

Has anyone had a situation similar to this? Do you think SD won't really notice/care since she barely knows who they are anyway? Are there things DH should be doing?

xmaryrickx

The stated reason for these visits should be to visit the family. NOT the baby. And that needs to be made clear to all coming. I am sure it is very difficult to form a bond with someone who you can barely communicate with, but hopefully they will try their best with SD. Also, since the uncle an GF are coming, sounds like maybe they are younger. Do they speak English?
I realize you don't have SD all the time, but the more your H is able to teach her now the better. Kids are sponges.

Ilumine

So where is your DH in all of this?  What has he done to foster a better relationship between his first child and parents/family?  

It is all well and good that you care, but if your DH doesn't seem to want to put forth the effort, why would your InLaws?   

2chatter

At three, SD will not realize any of this.  The wider issue is....what is being done to bridge the gap between SD and her overseas family? 

Lavender P

Can you have DH teach SD some thing to say in his native language? My parents speak English but it isn't their native tongue. SS has learned several words and tries really hard to say things to them. My parents adore him and get even more excited that he is making the effort, as are they. SS talks to DS, his half brother in english but definitely uses a lot of the nonEnglish words as well. It helps him learn and connect with my family. Also, I would try not to read too much into it. Your DH's parents are probably excited, as most grandparents are for the addition of each child. It doesn't mean they love the SD any less.

hopanka

I am also originally from Europe, living in the U.S. Let me tell you that if your inlaws come over and merely start communicating with your SD, she will pick up on the language faster than your newborn. 3 years old is a perfect age to learn another language, without having an accent. How long will they stay? I realized that my DS's second language flourished after spending 3 weeks with my mom. What's important after they leave is to keep up with it, so your H would have to keep speaking his native tongue to his daughter on a daily basis and keep up with Skype conversations with IL's at least once or twice a week. I don't know why your H has not done this with his daughter sooner, but my cousin is lazy to teach his kids as well and they don't really speak our language, and my aunt and uncle (despite being good at English) are not happy that the boys don't speak any of our native tongue. I'm thinking it has something to do with a) my cousin being lazy b) he didn't want his American wife feeling left out because she wouldn't understand. To me, that's not a good enough reason, but whatever works. Another option is what my German friends (living in the U.S.) did with their son. They enrolled him into a German Immersion program at a local elementary school and while the boy knew no German when he started Kindergarten, after the first year, he was completely fluent with no accent and was able to communicate with no problem with his German grandparents. But this really only applies to the major foregin languages. Mine is not offered at schools.

CurlieWhirlie

I don't have any advice for you beyond what other posters have already said, I just wanted to say it's so nice that you are thinking about your SD, and trying to make sure everyone feels included and equally loved and cherished. That's really nice, and especially if your SD doesn't live with you, it could so easily have been overlooked.

HoolyGo

To answer a couple of questions that were asked. DH's brother speaks a little English, but not much. His girlfriend speaks no English.

DH not having taught SD any of his language is one of his regrets. He didn't teach her when she was younger and he spent more time with her. Now, she doesn't understand when he speaks to her in his language and they both get frustrated. The language he speaks is not an easy one to support where we live because not many people speak it. In order to teach the new baby, we have put together a whole language plan that includes traveling a bit to join small play groups where they so speak it. We aren't able to do that with SD because of the parenting schedule.

As far as the Skype calls, again, I think DH and SD get frustrated and so they don't always last long or go well. I think that DH could probably try harder to facilitate them.

Thanks for the advice! I will work with DH to make sure we're all on the same page about the expectations of the visits. Ultimately I know it's something he'll have to work out with his parents, I just know I won't be comfortable if things are blatantly different between how the kids are treated.