Question if you are an only child

Firstmate5

DH and I are still not 100% on the OAD but in the mind frame we are. I don't believe I want anymore, however I have a hard time with coming to terms with not giving my daughter a sibling. I am the oldest of 4, Dh comes from a large family as well. I am very close with all 4 of my siblings. We spend a lot of time together and talk constantly. They are my closest friends. Even though I have a lot of friends, I still feel like there is this connection with my siblings, that overrides. But then again, I think I am lucky that we are that close. DH and his siblings are not at all. I know that if I did have another child, that child and my daughter could also not have a good relationship, its not a guarantee.

I guess my question is, is if you are an only child, did you feel you missed that sibling closeness? Or did you develop friendships that were on the same type of level? I think in one respect, because I am so close with my siblings, I don't depend on outside friendships as much because my siblings are there for me. I still do have friendships, but not at the level of best friends, I guess you could say. So I'm wondering if my daughter has no siblings, will she find her own relationships that will be on that level per say. 

hopefulmom81

I absolutely never felt like I was missing something.  Not once. Ever. I had tons of friends growing up and now. At each stage in my life, I have always had a best friend that would probably mimic a sibling relationship, if I believed that the sibling relationship was the norm to need to be mimicked (which I don't).

Giving your child a sibling as one of the main reasons for having another seems a little goofy to me.  Another kid isn't a present to the existing child or children (I know you know this but the phrase "give her a sibling" is my pet peeve in my own life, I think the concept is so stupid).  It is a full time commitment for the parents.

Many people with siblings have friends that they would call way before any sibling.

I don't think of an only as a child with no siblings.  I think of an only child as a child that has 2 fully committed and focused parents.

salt78

I grew up an only child and in my opinion, you can't "miss" something you've never experienced. I do know I would rather be an only child than have a sibling that I argued with all the time and having multiple children does not guarantee that they will be friends.

I have had the same best friend since I was a teenager. He's like a brother. And I got to pick him out myself so I like that aspect of it too. And then when I got older, I got married and my husband is my best friend. So yeah...I'm definitely not at a loss for important relationships. 

Also I'm really not saying this to be snarky, but I can't stand the whole concept of 'giving your child a sibling'. I don't like that it insinuates that parents (like me and my own mother) are depriving their children by not popping out another human being as a plaything. You give someone a pet, not another person. Have more children if YOU want to and feel that you are emotionally and financially prepared to do so, not because you are afraid your child will grow up to be a weird, friendless hermit with no one to rely on. I think most of us turn out okay.

*sparky*

I am an only and my DS is an only at this point as well.  I never wished for brothers and sisters as a child, but I had close friends that are still lifelong friends.  I agree w/the others that you can't miss something you never had.  I also don't think that being an only child means you are destined to be alone for the rest of your life.  Of course your chld can form strong relationships with other people who are not blood relatives.

hopefulmom81

salt78:

I grew up an only child and in my opinion, you can't "miss" something you've never experienced. I do know I would rather be an only child than have a sibling that I argued with all the time and having multiple children does not guarantee that they will be friends.

I have had the same best friend since I was a teenager. He's like a brother. And I got to pick him out myself so I like that aspect of it too. And then when I got older, I got married and my husband is my best friend. So yeah...I'm definitely not at a loss for important relationships. 

Also I'm really not saying this to be snarky, but I can't stand the whole concept of 'giving your child a sibling'. I don't like that it insinuates that parents (like me and my own mother) are depriving their children by not popping out another human being as a plaything. You give someone a pet, not another person. Have more children if YOU want to and feel that you are emotionally and financially prepared to do so, not because you are afraid your child will grow up to be a weird, friendless hermit with no one to rely on. I think most of us turn out okay.

 

scrappingcat

I agree with never "missing" something that I had never experienced.  I have 2 very close friends that I have had since elementary school and they truly are my sisters. My parents refer to them as daughters and they often stop over on holidays or to visit.

nthomas983

DH and I have decided that we are OAD and we are both only children.

I love being an only child. I have always had a great friends, even when I was very young, as well as close relationships with my cousins. I've never felt that I missed out on anything by not having siblings. I think being an only child really made me an independent person as well as a very social and outgoing person. I am also really close to my parents, even now that I'm 30 years old.

I look at my dad's relationship with his siblings and they don't get along at all. When his mom died, it was WW3 between his sister and his brother, and they haven't talked since. Having another child is definitely no guarantee that they will get along.You need to do what's right for you and your family.

cattlebride

I was an only child until 21 years old.My mom was told she couldn't have children. I asked for a sibling for Xmas bdays etc until I was old enough to be told of her infertility issues. I was lucky and had 3 cousins that became like siblings to me and we were very close but I wish I would have had that relationship.

kcisthebombdotcom

I tend to be an accidental lurker here since I tend to hit the wrong button on my way to the parenting fo (lol) but I decided to open this one. I am an only child and have never had a friendship that mimicked a sibling relationship. I have a small group of very close friends from high school that are wonderful people, are there for me and I care about deeply...but I would not compare my relationships to a sibling relationship. Overall I disliked being an only child for a number of reasons. I don't think my parents could have necessarily done anything differently to change that and it is what it is.

with that being said whatever you do in life is a crapshoot. I think having another child solely because you want our child to have that relationship is a poor idea. If its one thing on a list of reasons to have another child, that's one thing. Your desire along with your spouse's desire to parent another child has to be there. 

cupcakeboo81

I never missed having siblings.  I had a lot of cousins who I saw on a regular basis and we were very close, so I feel like I got the sibling experience with them.  I have close friends and I'm close to my parents.  The only thing I regret is now that my parents are getting older, the burden of things for them will fall only on me.  But, I see the way my DH still fights with his only sister - even as adults - and for the most part I have zero regrets at all!  We are likely OAD with our first here for many reasons, most of them financial, and I'm not regretting that choice so far.

hopefulmom81

cupcakeboo81:

I never missed having siblings.  I had a lot of cousins who I saw on a regular basis and we were very close, so I feel like I got the sibling experience with them.  I have close friends and I'm close to my parents.  The only thing I regret is now that my parents are getting older, the burden of things for them will fall only on me.  But, I see the way my DH still fights with his only sister - even as adults - and for the most part I have zero regrets at all!  We are likely OAD with our first here for many reasons, most of them financial, and I'm not regretting that choice so far.

 

I guess my Type A personality prefers this.  I would rather be the decision-maker for my parents as they age.  

Plus, the work of aging parents almost always falls disproportionately on the most reliable sibling.

genekelly

hopefulmom81:

cupcakeboo81:

I never missed having siblings.  I had a lot of cousins who I saw on a regular basis and we were very close, so I feel like I got the sibling experience with them.  I have close friends and I'm close to my parents.  The only thing I regret is now that my parents are getting older, the burden of things for them will fall only on me.  But, I see the way my DH still fights with his only sister - even as adults - and for the most part I have zero regrets at all!  We are likely OAD with our first here for many reasons, most of them financial, and I'm not regretting that choice so far.

 

I guess my Type A personality prefers this.  I would rather be the decision-maker for my parents as they age.  

Plus, the work of aging parents almost always falls disproportionately on the most reliable sibling.

I totally agree with this.  I am one of 7 children and my father passed away 17 years ago this month.  Although several of my siblings are in frequent touch with my mother, it is myself and my husband who visit most often and help with house maintenance even though 4 of my siblings live the same distance away. When she broke her leg several years ago and was incapacitated for ~16 weeks, 2 of my brothers visited one time each(and together on the same day) and my sisters were only slightly better.  It was me and my husband and my mother's close friends of 50 years who did the majority of things required to assist her once she came home from rehab.  I'm lucky my husband loves my mom. 

tiaandraj

I'm not an only child but I feel like I might as well have been. Just because you HAVE a sibling does not mean that you will have a great relationship, or a relationship at all. I'm WAY closer to a male cousin than I will EVER be with my brother, and it's not for lack of trying.

Just my 2 cents.

hfitz

I am an only child and strongly considering being OAD myself.   I never felt like I was missing out on anything.  There were a few times growing up where I thought it might be "fun" to have a sibling to play with but other than that I think my life has actually been greatly enhanced by being an only.  I have a terrific and close relationship to both my parents and I do have at least one friend who I consider as close as a sister.  

Just because someone has a sibling doesn't mean they're going to be close to them so I certainly wouldn't have another child just to feel as if you're not depriving your 1st.

TenTinyToes&Counting

I Think We Always Want What We Don't Have. 

I Was Not An Only Child. I Had 1 Older Sister & 1 Younger Brother. & My Family Always Fought. My Older Sister Was Always The "Favorite" & My Brother Was Always The "Least Favorite" My Sister Was Very Close To All The Family & They Would Do Anything For Her. Me & My Brother. Not So Much. They Didnt Come Around For Graduations Or Anything Exciting In Our Lives.

But Anyways. I Think Honestly Alot Of People Always Want What We Dont Have. If We Are An Only Child We Wish For A Sibling. In My Case I Always Wanted An Older Brother & Younger Sister. Alot Of Times I Wished I Was An Only Child Only Because Of All The "Favoritism" Within The Family. & It Caused Alot Of Financial Problems For My Parents Raising 3 Kids. I Had Alot Of Health Problems. The DR Appts Were Endless. My Parents Are Still Thousands & Thousands Of Dollars In Debt. But Anyways My Point Is Mainly That We Are Never Satisfied. Even If We Are Content Or Happy We Always Wish For Something Different. & Like Most Of The Posters Said What We Have Is What We Are Used To. We Dont Know Any Different.

bbolf

I'm an only child as well and I actually thanked my mom recently for NOT having any more children. lol I love being an only child. And we have decided we are a "one and done" family as well.

mommytoconnor

I'm an only child and I always wanted a sibling.  I had a lot of friends but they all had siblings and I felt I missed out on that relationship.  I have 2 best friends that are like sisters to me, but I also hear things like "your best friend isn't the same connection as a sibling".  Those kind of things sting a bit. As an adult and my parents getting older, most of my family is all over the place so I don't really have much close family around and as strange as it sounds if something were to happen to my parents I would feel lost, and I am 39 years old.  I know pitiful, but that's how I feel. 

Jess721

I never felt like I was missing out on anything. I was often glad it was just my mom and I. My parents divorced when I was young, (Dad stayed around/involved) so siblings weren't really an option for me for a long time.

 My husband has two siblings and while he's close with his sister, he can't really stand his brother so I don't think having siblings guarantees a child will have close relationships with them.

Because I'm an only, I think we'll be a OAD family too. This has already caused some friction with his family (they think I'm joking, I'm not).

As far as those people that press you about having more kids, just tell them the world is already overpopulated and you don't want to add to the problem. 

calimama2007

I'm not sure if my experience is/was typical, but here are my thoughts:

I absolutely missed having siblings, and I still do. It's not just when you're a kid, it's also going through things like getting married, having kids, dealing with your parents, etc.

I did not have ANY cousins that lived near me.

Both my parents worked full time, and I was in childcare almost constantly.

I felt incredibly lonely wherever I went, and really craved peer interaction-- still do! haha

That being said, I was able to do lots of really great things, overnight girl scout and sports camps, trip to Mexico for church and then for a soccer tournament. I didn't get :everything: that I wanted, but I certainly had enough of what I wanted. My parents paid for my final year of college at the private school of my choice.

We have several friends with only children who I see doing such amazing things: drum lessons, camping trips, and other cool things I can't think of, lol! Which are possible because they can afford to for only one AND they don't have to worry about scheduling for other children. 

Wufroggy79

I never felt like I missed anything.  In my own experiences IRL my friends/relatives that have siblings are not always tight with them. Nothing is a guarantee.

&orchid&

My sister and I are six years apart. I was an only for a while. I always wanted a twin sister or brother. As a kid I thought it would be cool. But as an adult I know I just wanted a friend that was just like me. When my sister came along I did not like it at all. Still to this day we have a strained relationship. I think it's normal for kids to want a sibling for the play thing but there are no guarantees that they will actually like each other.

LetsGoToDisney

I am an only surviving child, my siblings passed away. I never got to have a relationship with my sister, she died before I was born, and I only began to get along with my brother when he left for college. As kids we beat the snot out of each other. One time he had me in a choke hold and I bit his arm so violently he needed 7 stitches, another time he pulled out a fist full of my hair and it tore my scalp. I miss him every day and would gladly give both of my legs to have him back. It breaks my heart to think my LO will not meet her Uncle. 

The only reason we are stopping at one is medical, but you and YH should make the decision for yourself, whatever is right for you.

sucredee

DH wished he was an only child. He has a sister that is 2 years younger than he is and he absolutely despises her and wants no contact. We are also raising her children. He will be in charge of everything when his parents pass on, including his sister's inheritance and he is not looking forward to that at all. Like PP said, have or don't have another child because that is what YOU want, not because you think you will be doing your kid a favor.