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Working Moms
colemangal85
member
Rant: Schedule Keeper
colemangal85
member
in Working Moms
Why do I feel like I'm the only one who's life has to revolve around my son while everyone else gets to continue to live life like he never happened. I have a job too, ya know?
And why does everyone ignore what I put on their calendars when I need them!?
Anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it? I want to quit my job and tell my husband he is now responsible for ALL the bills since him and his family can't seem to help when I need them most.
Back in March I knew there was a weekend that I needed my mom to watch my son - she lives 1600 miles away so we have to book flights to do so. As soon as we book the flights - my MIL who was suppose to watch my son the weekend before informs that she won't be here. I was so mad inside, I wanted to yell but to keep the peace in the family - I shut my big mouth and started looking for other help. I think I was so mad because I knew my mom could help that weekend too if we knew BEFORE I booked the airline tickets.
So I find other help for that weekend - my SIL. Yay. Help. Now I find out - one week before the weekend that she can only help half the day because she has other responsibilities. Why do I bother asking anyone for help - if everyone is going to do whatever they want anyways!
To make things worse - today my MIL is gone once again, which I knew she would be, so I put on my husband's schedule that I needed him home by 3pm - over a month ago!! And he claims he never knew and has other plans. So I look everywhere for someone to help - everyone has to work themselves because it is less than 24 hours before I need them. What am I suppose to do? Call in - and not go in! AHHH!!
I'm ready to throw in the towel and just be a SAHM.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Rant: Schedule Keeper
Are you paying any of these people to watch your child? If not, I'd look into someone reliable, that you pay.
ETA: except for your DH- unless his "plans" were work related, he should cancel them to watch your child so you can work... that is if you actually told him about the day, and not just put it on his "calendar".
I understand your frustration. I go into work later and come home later, and DH gets to his office by 6:30 most days so he can leave by 4. When he travels, we need the nanny to stay later, until I get home. Since it's his schedule changing, I make sure he's in charge of notifying the nanny. Every time he tell me he's traveling, my first response is, "OK, did you tell [Nanny]?" Lately I've been met with a blank stare because he's used to me being home on leave, but he'll get back in the habit.
If I were you, I'd put it on his calendar, and remind him several times before the date. If he "makes plans" then let him know that he's responsible for scheduling childcare that day.
It's a tough pill to swallow, but the fact of the matter is that no one will share the sense of responsibility that you feel as a parent. Your DH excluded, family members who agree to help you out are just helping, there's nothing more than good will compelling them to meet those obligations, and if they change their mind, it's all on you. I agree with PPs - you need to find paid childcare if you rely on it this regularly. If you truly can't afford it then you and DH need to figure out your work schedules and make some changes.
We don't have any family in the area, and I want to cry every time I need to fill out the emergency contacts on a childcare form (because I am scraping the bottom of the barrel for one or two names/numbers). I guess I have had to learn this reality the hard way.
Good luck!
I feel like that all the time. My family is good about helping out and doesn't flake, but it always falls to me to figure out who will be watching DS when. I think you need to have a serious talk with your DH to figure this out.
My IL's are great about babysitting, but I do feel guilty sometimes asking them so much. I feel like DH should ask since its his mom. So if I dont feel like asking, I hire a babysitter. Then DH sees how much money we spend. I tell him if you dont like it, then next time you can ask your mom.
I hate to say it, but if you can't afford childcare while you work, then something probably needs to change, possibly your schedule so you can alternate with your DH, or possibly your job so you can make more money. Anyways, you do what you need to do to work it out.
I think you need to have a discussion with DH. Whatever "plans" he has need to be cancelled unless it is work-related.
We have a lot of family help on both sides, which we are very lucky for. The way it works in our house is we let the other person know about anything we have planned. If the other person then has some sort of conflict after the fact, it is up to them to get coverage.
For example, if DH has to work on Saturday, that is set in stone. If I then want to go have lunch with my mom and run a few errands, I'll see if I can get one of my teenage cousins to watch the kids for a couple of hours. If I can't, then they go with me.
On the other hand, if I have to work on a weekend and then DH has something come up that he wants to do, he checks in with his mom/sister, or whoever to see if they can keep the kids for a bit.
It works for us because we both have large families with a lot of people who enjoy spending time with our kids and all live nearby. If they were unreliable, then would seek out a regular sitter.
However, I have to agree with PPs that it sounds like you may just want to SAH. Again, this warrants a discussion with your DH.
Unfortunately, not much you can do about the in-laws--they're good for whatever care they can give you, but reliability isn't always family's strong suit.
Your DH, on the other hand, needs to step up. You are sinking and need support. Putting it on his calendar won't cut it.
Sit down with DH (after the kids are in bed, or at a more calm time) and just put it out there: "I needed your help with this, and it didn't happen. I thought putting it on your calendar would be enough but we got our signals crossed. What should I do the next time I need your help looking after our son? Hopefully this should start a conversation where you two figure out what the other needs.
Your problem is getting the schedule set without having to hogtie everyone in place. Keep that as the problem, not that DH doesn't look at his calendar. Phrase it in a way of: here's the goal, what will it take to get there.
Your husband's family isn't required to help and watch your LO. You need to find outside care you can pay. And why can't you remind your husband of things, or have a fridge board like we do? I don't understand the idea of putting things on my spouse's schedule and following up with them on it.
I agree with PP, sounds like you're looking for reasons to SAH, but they're reaches, I don't see anything that warrants that.
If you don't make enough to pay a sitter, how can you afford to fly your mother in? How can you possibly afford to quit your job?
Family isn't guaranteed free child care, and I hate when people abuse such a privilege and get upset when people's actual real lives interfere with what they need.
OP - I can sympathize with part of what I think you're trying to say. Part of your post seems like you are taking all the responsibility for making sure LO has care 24/7. I can relate in a sense that I think that I am always the one to make sure if we have plans, someone is here to watch E. I tend to coordinate 100% of the care, but by coordinating, I mean I sit my husband down and plan out a few weeks in advance to make sure we have everything covered. If anything changes last minute (which sometimes it does) we make sure to communicate and find other care. Our lives revolve around google calendars, at last check I think we had around 8 calendars between the two of us, that we share.
As for care / backup care, it sounds like you need a more reliable source of care. I think asking family is fine, but I make sure my mom, MIL know if it ever gets to be too much, they tell us. I don't want to take advantage, but I know they like the 1:1 time with E. I've never had care backout, but if they did, I would make sure they realized the implications of the backing out. Once or twice is fine, but anything more than that, I would consider them unreliable and would find another provider. If cost is an option, maybe look at an in home sitter, friends with LO to watch your LO, or even a reliable, trustworthy HS or college student.
All of this... You need childcare to work your job, it's not your families job to be there "whenever you need them", especially if you aren't paying them, and as you said you can't afford to pay anyone.
Are you working full time or part time? Do your hours change each week? Was family watching your child your original "plan" for childcare, and did everyone agree to this or did you just expect them to jump at the chance to watch your kid?
When I have things I need DH to help with I actually put it on his calendar, where he has to respond yes or no. I usually set it up so that an email reminder is sent the week before and then I usually remind him the week before as well, and then he gets a pop up reminder the day before.
As for family, I think you need to have a heart to heart with them and explain that if they're not going to be able to commit, or if they're not sure, then they can't say yes to you because it's easier for everyone if you just make other arrangements.
I'm also the schedule keeper for our family, but I don't have a problem with it. I do a better job of it and if I want everything to run smoothly, then I need to plan for it. DH just expects me to tell him where and when he needs to do something. I would never just put something on his calendar without reminders. If it's important enough, then he'd get a reminder a few days out, and then again the night before.
I don't think the issue is asking your family to babysit. For me, the issue is that you ask them to babysit, they agree, and then they bail. So, they're not reliable. Unfortunately, if you need someone for an entire weekend, then family really seems to be the best choice. I couldn't really think of one person I could pay for a weekend to watch my son, and we have a nanny. But she has her own family, so even she would not be an option. For a few hours though, I would definitely get a sitter or DH would be changing his plans.
I am confused? Are you the OP?