New to THE BUMP - where should I post?

JohnieEspinosa

Is there a forum dedicated to advice on parenting with in-laws and/or dealing with family-of-origin issues?

Thanks!

JohnieEspinosa

HilarityEnsued:

You will see people vent about their inlaws all over this place.

I'm not sure what you mean by family-of-origin issues?  You also have issues with your immediate/extended family?

You can post about those anywhere and people will chime in.

My wife's family is extremely dysfunctional. Since we had kids, she's bringing a lot of dysfunctional expectations into our home, too.

Wanted to make sure I posted in the right place. 

missyishere

JohnieEspinosa:

My wife's family is extremely dysfunctional. Since we had kids, she's bringing a lot of dysfunctional expectations into our home, too.

Wanted to make sure I posted in the right place. 

I think there is a fair share of personalities and great advice here.  Shoot it at us. What's going on with YW and her family?  

FormerlyKrista555

Johnie,  you might consider changing your screenname,  if that is indeed your real last name. 

Welcome to TB!

JohnieEspinosa

Name is not really Johnie btw.

Where should I start?

Yes, my wife is aware of this. As of today, she wants to divorce me unless I "let go" of the "grudge" I have against her abusive mother. She sees it as me being "mad" at one or two specific incidents and not being able to forgive and forget. I'm not mad about any specific event at all - I just don't want her mother around me or my kids, and I REALLY don't want her around my wife due to the fact that she's abused her for 30+ years, although even the counselor says I have no control over this unless my wife is willing to see it.

 

JohnieEspinosa

There's lots more to the story but that's where I'm at right now.

I could list dozens and dozens of specific incidents but that's not even what this is about. The woman is just toxic to be around and my wife is in denial about it.

Should I just accept the divorce ultimatum? I'd almost rather be divorced than continue to live in fear and guilt, excusing MIL's behavior forever, basically inviting her to become worse and worse because, gee, we're so nice and tolerate it.

No more.

JohnieEspinosa

HilarityEnsued:

JohnieEspinosa:

Name is not really Johnie btw.

Where should I start?

Yes, my wife is aware of this. As of today, she wants to divorce me unless I "let go" of the "grudge" I have against her abusive mother. She sees it as me being "mad" at one or two specific incidents and not being able to forgive and forget. I'm not mad about any specific event at all - I just don't want her mother around me or my kids, and I REALLY don't want her around my wife due to the fact that she's abused her for 30+ years, although even the counselor says I have no control over this unless my wife is willing to see it.

Abused how?  You can't control what your wife does, and if she doesn't seen any problems, then I would say the first step would be to get the two of you into counseling to see if you two get on the same page about the "abuse".

I don't mean this as snarky, but didn't you consider these issues before getting married and/or having kids?  If it has always been like this, why did you miraculously expect it to change?

Abused emotional, verbally. Like I said, I could run down a long list of specific behaviors and things said but don't really want this to become a pity party. The fact is, YES, it's abuse.

It got better before it got worse. My wife worked on establishing boundaries with her sick mother for many years, but they were eroded over time due to guilt and fear (part of the abuse), and they were all but obliterated when we had kids (MIL convinced my wife that she simply *needed* to be around - A LOT - to "help" with the kids).

I'm not stupid - if I had known things would be like this I would have put my foot down a long time ago, or just not gotten involved.

missyishere

JohnieEspinosa:

Abused emotional, verbally. Like I said, I could run down a long list of specific behaviors and things said but don't really want this to become a pity party. The fact is, YES, it's abuse.

It got better before it got worse. My wife worked on establishing boundaries with her sick mother for many years, but they were eroded over time due to guilt and fear (part of the abuse), and they were all but obliterated when we had kids (MIL convinced my wife that she simply *needed* to be around - A LOT - to "help" with the kids).

I'm not stupid - if I had known things would be like this I would have put my foot down a long time ago, or just not gotten involved.

So if you do have a child, what extent of communication does your MIL currently have with them?  Is it that terrible your child shouldn't have ANY contact with her?  I'm just wondering if there is some sort of happy medium, and it sounds like counseling should be in your near future.