Intro-much older child (21 yo) and expecting

happywifemomofone

Hi Ladies.  I was a single mom for about 15 years, never married my son's Dad.  My husband and I married almost 4 years ago.  He was widowed and unable to have children with his first wife d/t her illness.  We both discussed early on that we wanted to add additional children to our family.  We tried on our own, then eventually moved on to fertility treatments.  My son left in January to do a college internship at Walt Disney World, was expected home in August.  In April, we learned that we were expecting.....and had several early u/s from our RE to confirm that everything was going as expected.  We had a trip planned over Mother's Day to see my son, so we told him on that visit.  His response was "wow", "you mean I'm going to be a big brother?" and "what should I tell my Dad?"  He's far away, so it is difficult to include him in the addition to our family at this time.  This week he informed us that he wants to stay at WDW, get a f/t job there, and move in with a roommate.  This makes me sad, as I know that our time of siblings living together was very short from the beginning.  I want to support his decision, as he is a young adult and deserves the support of his family.  However, I know that I am probably the most influential person in his life and want to use that influence to get him to come home as originally planned.  Anyone have experience here with much older children?  I always wanted more children, but never did I expect that it would be this much later in my life.  Would really appreciate if he could find a way to accept this and be happy for us, even if it's not what he was expecting.  He never new that we were TTC, we never knew if we would be successful and didn't want him to be thinking of such things when he should be worrying about finishing hs, prom, his friends and college.  We are planning a trip for him to meet baby brother or sister in late January/early Feb before my maternity leave ends.  Any thoughts?

hopanka

Congrats! From your post I am not getting where your adult son is unsupportive. He reacted as expected. It was a shock. Why are you not supportive of his independence and career decision to stay with Disney? Sounds like a great first job post college. Is this purely because you are fantasizing about the two growing up together? Because that is not going to happen. Your son is grown. Sorry, but I think you need to cheer him on and be supportive, if he is ambitious and wants to jump start his career with Disney. Your kids probably won't have the traditional sibling relationship because of the huge age gap, but that doesn't mean they won't love each other. It will be more of a uncle slash nephew or niece thing.

Littlejen22

Do you want him hurt because you want him to finish college or because you want to have one big happy family? He is an adult and as hard as it is for you he wants to move on and is enjoying his experience and wants to stay. It is really not a good decision to try to get him to come home for the wrong reasons. If ht is staying because he is mad then I would try to get him to come home and work it out. And he can visit home too.

happywifemomofone

I'll always support my son, regardless of whether or not he makes the same life choices that I would.  However, I feel that our announcing that we are expecting has somehow encouraged him to make his decision to stay there.  We knew going in that it is unlikely that our children will be close, but I had NOT planned on raising our child with his older brother being halfway across the country.  I would like my son to finish college, but he doesn't want to, and that is his choice.  Thanks for your feedback ladies.

10-4LilBuddy

A Disney internship and subsequent full time job is very competitive and quite an accomplishment. Do you really want him to give up a tremendous opportunity? How is him giving up a dream and coming home going to give him a better bond with a new sibling? He is an adult. He will be a better role model as an independent and satisfied adult.

twister22

First, I agree with everything previous posters are saying.

Second, what kind of FT job at Disney? If it's a typical cast member working rides or a restaurant or something, then I would encourage him to finish college first and then make a job decision. If it's something more impressive, I think he should take the opportunity. However, I would encourage him to finish college too, even if it's online or something. He's made it this far and should have a degree in hand, especially because having a degree combined with having to go through "Disney University" will make him extremely marketable. And then maybe you could encourage him to move closer to home and get a job in the field he was initially going after .

Your LO and son will have much more of an uncle to niece or nephew relationship, and that's okay. My baby brother is 19 and my DS is 4.5 and DD is 6 months, and my brother is AMAZING with them, and the kids love him to death. My brother likes to watch them and enjoys taking DS to the local theme park and playing games with him. However, my brother is away at college and works 80 hours a week in the summer, so it's not like the kids see him a ton. Again, I imagine this will be more of the relationship your LO and son have, and that's okay.

Congratulations on your pregnancy! 

HoolyGo

I think that if you encourage your son to give up his dream for this he will end up resenting either you, his younger brother or both. That certainly won't help your children develop a close relationship. Even if his reason for choosing to move away has something to do with your announcement, that's his choice. He is an adult after all. It just seems super manipulative to me to try and influence your son to move back to fulfill your dreams.

+just+j+

Express your concern about dropping out of college and why in direct relationship to him and his situation, not that it's about the baby.  Let him make his own decisions and accept them for what they are.   

happywifemomofone

JNL$LSM:

Just curious if he wanted to go to college across the country would you be ok with that?

Yep, probably.  As I said before, I will support my son in whatever he decides to do.  One of our concerns about the whole WDW move is our concern that he will not be able to afford to stay there and we could become his financial back up plan.  He's never lived on his own, except for this internship. (with internship, they take rent right out of check and he gets about $100/wk.)  The job he's talking about currently is a monorail operator.  I was feeling more supportive when he was discussing an entry level job working behind the scenes at the Fantasmic show, as that's closer to being more like a career.  Monorail operator seems like just a "job."  He plans to sign a lease with another student that he's only known for a couple months.

xmaryrickx

It sounds to me like he is making normal, healthy choices for his age. Moving in with a friend he has only known a few months, normal. Taking a break from college to work an awesome job, normal. Being Wow I am going to be a big brother, but not really showing much interest, normal.
It sounds like you did a great job raising him to be independent and now it's time for the birdy to leave the nest. I know a few people who did the WDW internships and everyone of them says their biggest regret was not taking some extra time to work there. It's supposed to be a great experience. The flip side of that is everyone at WDW starts at the bottom. The big shows are at the top. He will have to work up to that.
I know you want him to come home, but even if you push it from a nonbaby angle, he will resent you for it. You were a huge influence in his life. The biggest, but now is the time for him to be his own biggest influence, followed by like minded peers.

ambrvan

Hi amd congratulations.

I really don't have any advice on a lot of this. But I also have a sibling about that age difference. I was already a mom myself, when my mom decided to have another with her new husband. My sister and I are 21 years apart. I also live a decent distance away from my mom and family.

I honestly was very happy for her, but the distance coupled with starting my own family made it hard to stay connected or feel included. The only advice I have is to stay connected. Talk on the phone, include him in family pictures, plan LO's birthday ahead enough that if he chooses, he can come home for it, include him in vacations.

Simple stuff like that are, apparently, really hard to do and make a huge difference. My mom and I text maybe once a month. I have never been invited to be in family pictures. I have never been invited on vacation with them, let alone even told when they were out of town. Hence when I was in town a couple weeks ago and stopped her house, no one was home. I found out from Facebook where they were. I literally know almost nothing about my sister, and she has no clue who I am. My kids, however, talk about wanting to go play with sister all the time because I made sure to show pictures from Facebook to them.

I really hope things do get as bad between you as they have between my mom and I. It honestly had nothing to do with my new sister. It was all about her pushing me out and feeling like she was glad to 'start all over' with her 'new family.' I hate having to be the one to always make the first move. She has never come to visit me. But she thinks it is totally fair to expect me to drag both of of my kids that far to see her. There is no meeting in the middle on anything for us.

Other than that, as long as he is not downright ugly about it, it sounds like he is genuinely happy about this, or indifferent. Either way is expected for an older sibling. Especially a boy, I would think. It sounds like he is making normal decisions for his age. I would let it ride. I actually have a couple friends who did the same thing after a WDW internship and it has been wonderful for them.

Littlejen22

You are the only person that knows why this is really bothering you. I would talk to your son about your concerns and stress that it would easier to support him if you knew he had a plan to finish college and a job that seemed to have a career path atDisney. And also tell him your concerned about him makin enough money to support himself without making it about you. Then support his decision.

+just+j+

When I was 20, I was in college full time, had 2 jobs, paid my own rent, utilities....he can do it. They have to learn sometime and it sounds like he's ready.

Let him spread his wings and fly. Be the wonderful parent you are now, advise, give your opinion when asked, but let him go. You never know. He may change his mind and want to come back and finish school.  Let him know that your door is open if he changes his mind.  He does not appear to be a child that is a moocher or lazy. Be glad of that.