When husband doesn't support NB?

iLoveblueberries

My friend had a natural birth for her first delivery and it really effected her husband. He cried and was having severe anxiety during labor because he didn't like seeing the amount of pain she was in. She is nearing her due date and although she wants a natural birth....her husband really wants her to get an epidural because he would feel more comfortable and feels better equipped to support her.
The first time around they did Bradley classes and used the hypo babies method.

I wasn't sure what to tell her except that I feel like you shouldn't cause either parent extreme anxiety in a birth. But at the same time it is the woman birthing so it should be what she is most comfortable with? I don't know! What could I suggest to her besides hiring a doula and her husband waiting in the hall or something...
I know she wants her husband in the room.

lancomechica

It is really strange that the husband is making it about him...but I think a doula could really help him be a better support person to his wife.

vintagejjane

That's tough. I can totally see why he gets anxious though. No one wants to see someone they love in pain. I kind of think that's worthy of seeing a counselor. It can really put a wedge between them and it would make having a new baby more stressful. I would hate for her to feel any resentment towards him because she did want he wanted.

I agree with PP. It's her birth and he definitely needs to stop thinking about himself, but I think they need someone to mediate a conversation between them. 

KateLouise

BreanneL24:

Umm her H needs to grow a pair and support her. He has no reason to be so anxious unless he is pushing a baby out of his vagina. Sorry for the harshness, but I HATE it when someone tries to tell a woman how she should birth. He wants her to get an epi because HE would be more comfortable! Why on earth is it all about him? His wife is doing an amazing thing by birthing their child, and the husband can't put her needs before his own just this once? Absolutely ridiculous.

This x1000

Has she told him why she wants to go natural again, ie why the pain is inconsequential to her?

A doula might help. Maybe her DH having a support person, even if that person was in the waiting room so he could step out and have a breather and gather himself? Maybe if your friend had a doula or friend or sister or whoever in the delivery room to allow her DH more freedom to step out?

 

Birdies08

lancomechica:

It is really strange that the husband is making it about him...but I think a doula could really help him be a better support person to his wife.

I was thinking this as well. Maybe if they took a class or had a doula specifically speak to the difference between pain and suffering. He may see her in pain, and needs to know that's ok, but he shouldn't see her suffering. Maybe reframing it that way will help? 

tokenhoser

Honestly? He sounds like he needs to deal with his own $hit and get over it. Seriously, talk to a doctor, get some Xanax, get in therapy, whatever he wants to be able to be get through the horror of someone else birthing a child.

So yeah... she needs to get a doula and/or recruit some useful support. He needs to get therapy and Xanax. 

hollowway

If my SO even suggested that I get an epidural because my pain was making him uncomfortable, I would probably put a death grip on his balls until the baby was born. Just saying.

MdWestMom

Agree with pp. Get a doula & get DH some therapy and/or he should step out. Just because the trend is to have Daddy in the birth room doesn't mean all men are cut out for that role. 

iLoveblueberries

After talking to her more, I feel like her DH has some legit birth trauma. She had a rather dramatic labor because she was acting like an out of control lunatic and I think it really effected him. Apparently she was so out of control... the doctor thought they may have to sedate her??? If that's true, I wouldn't want to go through that a second time either! I know my birth was intense but I don't think I traumatized my husband or birthing team!
I suggested they hire a doula, that DH be outside the room until its time to push, and maybe she look into a different birthing method better suited for her. At first I said "your DH needs to man up" but after hearing how out of control she was....it sounds like its a miracle they are still married!
Thanks for all your thoughts!

pc150805

I lurk here quite often because I had my first naturally and will likely have my second naturally as well. I think it's unreasonable to tell her husband to "man up". She is birthing their child so it's really an  experience for both of them. Yes, she will be doing the birthing but it's just as much an experience for him as it is for her. There were a couple things that I wanted that my DH didn't so we just talked it out and compromised. It sounds to me like they need to have an honest discussion with each other and a doctor to see what the option are. Maybe not an epi but some oral pain meds?

tokenhoser

pc150805:

Maybe not an epi but some oral pain meds?

Yeah, because getting someone that was out of control drunk instead would totally help. IV or oral narcotics aren't going to help that situation.

It sounds like she was unprepared and/or unsupported and coped poorly, and he was totally unable to help her calm down. They need a third party, without a doubt, if she would prefer to avoid the epi.  And I stand by the fact that he probably still needs therapy/antianxiety meds.

Celyn

It sounds like that was an intense and unexpected experience for both of them.  But honestly, I see husband's making it about themselves all the time.  It's hard to watch someone you love choose to be in pain -- assuming they *are* in pain, which is not always the case (but certainly sounds like it was for your friend).  Sometime I just looks like pain, but is really just the mom drawing deep inside herself.  

Usually, when faced with a choice to be in a room and supportive, or wait outside, they chose to be supportive.

honkytonk_kid

pc150805:

I lurk here quite often because I had my first naturally and will likely have my second naturally as well. I think it's unreasonable to tell her husband to "man up". She is birthing their child so it's really an  experience for both of them. Yes, she will be doing the birthing but it's just as much an experience for him as it is for her. There were a couple things that I wanted that my DH didn't so we just talked it out and compromised. It sounds to me like they need to have an honest discussion with each other and a doctor to see what the option are. Maybe not an epi but some oral pain meds?

 No, it's not.

And SHE is the one (along with baby) that will bear any possible ill effects of whatever intervention is done for the sole purpose of HIS comfort.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to tell him to "man up," by which I mean either 1) get whatever help he needs to deal with it, or 2) hire a doula and not be present at the birth.

Look, I have no doubt that dads can be traumatized by scary birth situations. But the way to fix that is for HIM to get help/deal with it, not to make birth less safe for her. 

YellowLily2013

This is a very sensitive matter. And I think pp have done a good job laying out viable options.

The two of them need to have a serious heart to heart discussion, which should be going on in a marriage anyway. It's very difficult to a group of Internet strangers to determine the best course of action for this couple.

Both sides need to freely be able to express their concerns and desires for the birth of the baby. If they can't have this conversation themselves, seeking guidance from a therapist is a good idea. The plan of action should be determined prior to labor beginning. Knowing that the plan can change is okay, but they still should be on the same page of "wishes".

I don't think she should just give in to him since he doesn't like seeing her in pain. If she thinks she can handle the pain and wants to do it that way again there needs to be a way for him to understand her wishes. The idea of a doula is great since she can be the support person between both of them. She can give mom the care she needs when it gets to be too much for him. And she can also teach him how to support his wife during labor.

I wish the couple lots of luck in making the right decision for themselves!