How do I...

amandager99

How do I tell people how I'm feeling without hurting their feelings?  I have family members that keep pushing and I know if I answer honestly they won't want to hear what I have to say.  I know it's irrational anger/hate/hurt directed at them, but it's where I'm at right now.  I find it easier to avoid them then hurt them.

How do I really try to begin to heal emotionally, when I have daily physical reminders that Daniel is no longer with me?  I'm still bleeding and at times feel like it's never going to end, and still occasionally leak milk.

How do I get my husband to understand that even if we aren't ready for sex yet I still need the physical connection/closeness with him?  At most it's a kiss goodbye in the morning and when he gets home, with occasional hugs.  It seems as though he doesn't want to be touched (even just a hand on the leg) or touch me.  That missing connection makes me feel even lonelier even if the communication is there.  It also lets my mind work in overdrive as I question if he's mad at/blaming me for this, after all it was my body's inability to carry our son that caused this.

How do I get everyone to understand I'm not ready to be out and social yet, and that doesn't mean I'm depressed, it just means I'm not ready.  I recognize and feel the ache to get out and do stuff, and right now if that means making it to target or the market I'm okay with that.  There are too many triggers out in the world, it will barely be 3 weeks tomorrow.  I'm also not just laying down watching TV all day, I am slowly working on things around the apartment, long standing projects, reading.  

Thanks for letting me vent.  I know you ladies understand better than anyone else, and that's where I'm stuck right now. 

 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***siggy warning***

 

Big {{HUGS}}.   With regards to questions I dealt with them 2 ways.  I came up with and practiced a "canned" answer.  (How are you doing?  The best I can right now - or - Just trying to hang on).  If people pushed then I got extremely real.  If people wanted to hear it, great.  If they became uncomfortable then that's on them.  In my opinion, if you don't want to know, don't ask. 

You'll learn over time that people just really don't get it and honestly, never will.  If people keep inviting you out and you don't want to go, say so.  If they keep asking as time goes on, then they're true friends.  If they stop communicating with you then they really aren't true friends.  It sucks that we lose friends when we've already lost so much but unfortunately it's extremely common.  The people that do stay around, you'll learn, are the most amazing people. 

I remind myself often that I don't owe anyone anything and it's not about other people.  Focus on what gets you through.  That's how you start to push through the journey.

Mjmksb04

Oh my goodness, you are only two weeks out. Please be easy on yourself and don't think that how you are feeling or acting is indicative of how life will be from now on. Its okay to feel sad and depressed and just hunker down at home and avoid social situations right now. You should not feel obligated to make them understand anything. Just say that you need some time and don't feel comfortable doing whatever it is and leave it at that. I had major anxiety right after I lost my DD and avoided all social situations for a very long time and eventually I was able to reconnect with friends and family and hobbies. I know everyone says this, but don't feel bad if you want to speak to a grief counselor about these feelings, one may be able to give you and your husband practical advice about how to help each other. Hugs.

princezjk

It's so hard to communicate to our friends and family about how we feel, because unless they have been through a loss like this, it is so hard for them to understand. Even the most empathetic of people can only understand these feelings so much.  I've been utilizing "as well as can be expected". That usually suffices. 

 I really hate when people, usually well meaning people, want to tell me that everything will be okay. Really?  How do you know?  Because guess what, everything wasn't okay. I don't know if any of us will ever be able to believe that simple phrase again. 

Good luck and hugs.  

shandorfml2

Going through my own journey, I've come to care less about others feelings or opinions, and I notice the same from other ladies. I'm real when I'm asked how I'm doing. I don't lie, as it makes me hurt more then angry at them for believing me! I have go to phases such as "I'm here" or "As best as can be expected". I wasn't social for probably a month, and it was still hard at that point. I'm going to a wedding tomorrow, and it's a little anxiety provoking for me and it's been 15 weeks. We'll have to see people we haven't seen since our loss. If you are under a month out from your loss, you just need to focus on survival. Don't feel obligated to do ANYTHING aside from eat sleep and cry. Tell people how you truly are, especially H. You don't want to start miscommunication or hiding your feelings at this point.

cawettig

Like everyone that has posted do not push yourself or feel guilty about how you are escaping from the world right now. When people ask me how I am doing I hate it too. My usual response is "I am upright" or "I'm dressed today". 

Tell your DH how you feel. I spent two plus weeks not opening up to mine and it killed me. I broke down and told him it is just too hard to constantly feel like I am crying to you and also how I was mad how he was grieving differently then me. 

It felt like I was bleeding forever after I delivered my angel. Plus the bleeding made me think of her each time because that was part of having her. I got my first period last week after having her and I still feel like it hurt because my body was over being pregnant with her. I cried so much because I was leaking milk and producing it for my angel and I couldn't give it to her.

It has been two months and one week for us, I still do not venture out. I will go to the grocery store with DH and little things like that. However going out to dinner and going to the beach hurts a lot because I swear there are babies and pregnant people everywhere!!

Hang in there, I am so sorry that we are all experiencing our loss