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Banana44

Lavender P

Well now she sees it as a way to insert herself into your household. He might be with you physically but she can text him and interupt anytime she chooses.

What was your main purpose in buying SS the phone? I know you said he has anxiety, so is it so he is more comfortable when he is with his friends, away from you and BM? If that is the case, then I would make it clear to SS that the phone is meant to be used when he is away from your house. Therefore he can keep it off and in his room until he leaves the house. Also, your DH should explain what the purpose of the phone is to BM and that she should continue to call the house phone. You can't dictate how it is used at her house but you can at least regulate it at yours.

bebe11

I would say if the text are not causing a problem in your household when your SS is with you, then I wouldn't let it bother me.  But if she is upsetting him or whatever, then I'd limit the amount of time he has the phone in his possesion.

MrsHetzel

bebe11:

I would say if the text are not causing a problem in your household when your SS is with you, then I wouldn't let it bother me.nbsp; But if she is upsetting him or whatever, then I'd limit the amount of time he has the phone in his possesion.

This.

mom2one

Maybe this is her way of retaliating since she said she didn't want him to have a phone. Most 10 year olds have no need for one.

Banana44

The purpose of the phone was for him to have access to us and for us to have access to him. We thought this would allow him more independence while decreasing his anxiety, and he's 10, so he's getting old enough.
DH told BM that calls need to go through the house and she wrote a nasty email about but she seems to be complying.
We don't want to start WW3, but there s no need for her to be texting multiple messages a night when she won't even let him have the phone at her house.
We won't say anything to SS we would never say he can't reply to his Mom, but DH was thinking about saying something to BM and I was thinking if we give it sometime maybe she'll stop.
Not sure what most people would do in this situation.

2chatter

The influence of the other parent in your home can be a bad thing depending on what they are saying.  Here, BM was sending upwards of 200 texts to SD per weekend with incredibly negative remarks and asking her to look through our things, provide information on our lives, etc.  It's hard to tell what is up with this in your post - is it innocent stuff or not?

Regardless, I think kids spend way way way too much time communicating electronically.  None of the children who live in this house have a phone, but when they do there will be limits on the phone as there are on any other screen.  Plugged in to charge in a central location but for a certain period of time in the evenings.  Homework, showers, dinner, family time take up much of the evenings already - I don't see this as being a negative, and has nothing to do with a bio parent, just something to think about.

Littlejen22

Tell her either she lets him have it at her house for you to contact him or she calls your home phone only or she pays half. If he is with her most of the time you are wasting your money with the phone and put SS in a weird situation because his Mom said no to the phone and you bought it anyway which I assume was partially to make her look bad because you knew that would happen. If he is with you the majority of the time this obviously does not apply.

Ginlyn0

I understand that you bought the phone for him to be able to communicate with you all when he was with his BM, yet she doesn't allow the phone over there. So it's time to change the purpose of the phone since it's not being used for the intended purpose. Your house, your rules and BM can't get upset about you not letting him use the phone at your house when she doesn't let him use it at hers.

So set a new rule like: phone is only used when he is with a friend or alone. You keep the phone until those times. He uses the house phone for all other calls.

Banana44

auntie:

A 10 doesn't need a cell phone unless he is out in the community without an adult or home alone without a landline. How, exactly, is this going to help him be more independent? Giving him an electronic crutch he can use to feed his separation anxiety? Did you run this by his therapist first? I'd be interested what they have to say about mom/child texting.

His therapist knows we bought the phone and why we bought and she thought it would be a good tool in his arsenal to combat anxiety.
My SS has specific issues with abandonment, separation, and being lost. We follow cognitve behavorial therapy and gradual exposure but since we have 2 other children and we are very active the more tools he has the better.
We have memberships to sesame, franklin institute, zoo, aquarium and go to them often. He would have a panic attack in any of these places if I had to go to the bathroom and DH was not there. Its handicapping. The phone helps. Before the phone I used to give him my car keys. We still practice relaxation and logical thinking, but sometimes its not enough.
Last weekend we did duck boats and liberty bell and he didn't have a single issue with anxiety. This is due to having his phone. Its not a cure but it sure is a great crutch!

Banana44

Littlejen22:

Tell her either she lets him have it at her house for you to contact him or she calls your home phone only or she pays half. If he is with her most of the time you are wasting your money with the phone and put SS in a weird situation because his Mom said no to the phone and you bought it anyway which I assume was partially to make her look bad because you knew that would happen. If he is with you the majority of the time this obviously does not apply.

We have 50/50 custody and we bought the phone because we thought it would help us with his anxiety issues ans we felt he was old enough at 10. It had nothing to do with her wanting or not wanting the phone. We actually thought she would want to do it too.

Ilumine

Since the phone is to be used for a very specific reason - out of the house activities, then why haven't you just taken the phone away when you are home?  

I mean seriously?  It's not a hard conclusion to make.   

Banana44

Ilumine:

Since the phone is to be used for a very specific reason out of the house activities, then why haven't you just taken the phone away when you are home? nbsp;I mean seriously? nbsp;It's not a hard conclusion to make. nbsp;nbsp;

That feels like punishing him and we don't want to do that.
He's been very responsible with the phone and has followed all the rules which include no phone during family time or dinner. Phone gets turned over to us at 9PM and we get to read everything on it.
She texted him 9 times last night, he only responded once because he just checks the phone randomly.
Maybe we'll wait her out and see if she'll stop or maybe she'll let him have the phone in both house.
The double standard is just annoying.

Thanks for the opinions. Its helped think it through.

hopanka

I agree with Ilumine. Use for the intent you bought it for...so only in the community where he may have anxiety. Since your home is not it, he doesnt need it there.

Littlejen22

Banana44:

Littlejen22:

Tell her either she lets him have it at her house for you to contact him or she calls your home phone only or she pays half. If he is with her most of the time you are wasting your money with the phone and put SS in a weird situation because his Mom said no to the phone and you bought it anyway which I assume was partially to make her look bad because you knew that would happen. If he is with you the majority of the time this obviously does not apply.

We have 50/50 custody and we bought the phone because we thought it would help us with his anxiety issues ans we felt he was old enough at 10. It had nothing to do with her wanting or not wanting the phone. We actually thought she would want to do it too.

But she told you she did not want it before you got it.  The rest still applies with my advice.  Or you can do what Ilumine suggested.

colmstead

We also have allowed our 10 year old to have a phone, due to an upgrade on mine we gave him my old one.  His BF does not want anything to do with it and refuses to allow him to have it at his home, which I understand and we appreciate.  The phone is used only when DS is with me or involved in activities during my parenting time.  (He is home with older Skids during the summer and this allows him to contact me without going through the older kids, should there be an issue).  I also initially thought that 10 might be too young for a telephone but it actually has been a great tool in teaching him some additional responsibility and he can now contact his grandparents who live 1500 miles away.  I love that fact that he is able to have a relationship with my parents without me having to push the issue and coordinate the communication.

Good luck with BM, it does appear while she doesn't want SS to have this phone, she doesn't mind using it to contact him, which I do think is a double standard and would irritate me if I were in your position.  Probably one of those issues that may not be worth fighting - in any event good luck!