Hate how I'm feeling

amandager99

I hate the ups and downs and back forth that comes with each new day. Everyday I seem to feel some new emotion much more intensely. Today it's anger. I'm angry at my sister for having two healthy little boys, that I love so much but can't stand to be around right now because it hurts to much. I'm angry at my mom for having four healthy kids. I'm angry that they just don't understand what I'm going through, and that being around them hurts right now. I'm angry at myself for feeling this way, and not being able to be around them without my husband.

Am I crazy? When does this go away? When does it get easier? It all hurts so muh sometimes.

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY WARNING***

 

 

 

The first month after losing Devon, I shut down. I didn't want to talk to anyone about it at all, because I didn't want to have to keep explaining how sad and hurt and angry I was. It took another four months to be OK talking to pregnant women over FB or text, and another three months after that to be OK with the fact that the world keeps going and people are going to keep having babies. I still have my up and down days, even after counseling and almost 10 months of living without my son. It's a never-ending cycle, I think.

You're not crazy to feel the way that you do; I think it's all a part of healing. From personal experience, I can say that it will get easier - but it will always hurt. It could take awhile for the days to get easier, for the feelings to not be as extreme, and that's OK. You're grieving, and you need that time to grieve. Take it and don't rush it. Sending lots of hugs your way.

 

 

 

 

 

bunnybun4

I am so sorry you are going through this.  First off, please be aware that is hasn't even been 3 weeks since you lost your baby...your loss is still so fresh.  I remember only being a few weeks out and thinking it had been a lifetime and I was so frustrated with myself and my grieving...looking back I just needed to give myself some time. 

The anger is so normal.  Mine comes and goes but it definitely gets better.  My twin nephews were born a month before my EDD and for a while I was SOOOO mad at my SIL and my in laws. I knew I was being irrational but I couldn't help it.  It is such a natural part of grieving.  Their blessings are just reminding you of your huge loss...you aren't really mad at them you are just so pissed off at your circumstances right now. 

For me now, the times I am angry are the lowest days I have.  I can handle being sad about losing my daughter but the anger is what tears me apart.  I have to remind myself that it does pass and it does get better in time.  Recently I am learning that the only way to work through the grief is to actually go through it...however long that takes.  Be patient with yourself during this process.

For me it seems like each day is hard but each week I can (usually) tell that things got the smallest bit better than last week.

((HUGS))

amandager99

mrsgerman:

I was actually thinking about you this morning and was wondering how you were doing because I hadn't seen anything from you in a few days. 

I actually find a lot of comfort in what you post because I think since we had our losses just 1 day apart we seem to be in the same exact steps in the process. I always seem to have what seems like a bad day then I will see a post from you and see you are feeling the exact same and it just makes me feel better and not so alone and I have definitely been feeling somewhat alone lately. It seems everyone else around me (husband, grandmoms, other family) have all started to heal where as I feel I haven't started at all. I was also very angry this morning and feeling so much guilt. After what felt like were the beginning of a few good days for me I for some reason became so angry at myself thinking I should have held him more and that I shouldn't have went to sleep that night, I should have just spent more time with him. I then got furious and questioned why Snooki of all people was blessed with a baby but yet I wasn't.

I am so sorry either one of us have to go through this. Please don't feel crazy though. Although we seem to be on total opposite ends of the country it does seem to help me knowing there is someone who feels the same way I do right now. 

I agree, it is terrible that either one of us have to go through this, but there is some comfort in knowing there is someone who feels the same way I do.  There is this terrible feeling of loneliness in this. Feel free to message me anytime.  The reason its so easy to talk to my husband is because he was there, and he does actually know how I feel, unlike so many others who are trying to relate.  When you're able to talk to someone who truly does know how you feel, you don't have to hear all of the things people try to say to be thoughtful, and they really just hurt or anger you.  I know DH is grieving as well, but we do it so differently it sometimes makes me feel like I need to be "stronger" and not cry all the time, and I don't want to overwhelm him with the ups and downs of my emotions each day. So I've created a tumblr page which has been really helpful and I post to daily.  Believe me, I could be posting on here every day, but that's not fair to everyone else.

tuscanbride2007

I am so sorry that you are having a bad day. I am almost 15 months out and I still have sad days and angry days, but they are just not a frequent as when it first happened. I will tell you, it does get easier as time passes. When I first joined the board, so many women that were further out from their loss told me that and I just couldn't imagine that. I now I know it's true.

((HUGS))

angelsnight

You're not crazy.  A woman in my office that was a month further along than I was had her baby last night and that is all the people in my office have talked about all day...when she was born, what her name is, blah blah blah.

I am so far in my own grief I have no idea if my hatred for all of them right now is normal or not.  Is it rational to think they shouldn't talk about it so much?  She and I were the only pregnant women on this floor, and I am not pregnant anymore, so it's kind of pissing me off that they are so joyfully talking about her baby.  I mean, she isn't even here....I wouldn't deny her the happiness, but does it really need to be talked about all day?

But regardless of whether or not their wrong or I am crazy, the fact of the matter is the rest of the world moves on way before we do.  Yes my close friends of course still feel for me I am sure, but my co-workers that aren't anything more than co-workers?  I am still standing, I am still functioning, so to them I am ok.  If you're anything like me, the hurt and anger isn't necessarily coming from my co-workers talking about this woman's baby, but more because they have moved on from my loss and they have seemingly forgotten about it.  And that hurts like hell.

Big hugs to you....my anger comes and goes.  Sometimes I am so angry I just want to scream, but other times I feel more at peace.  The stages of grief are not linear....you can skip some altogether, you can repeat certain ones over and over.  But you're definitely not crazy.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***SIGGY WARNING****

 

Oh sweetie.  Big, big hugs.   You probably don't want to hear this but what you're feeling is completely normal.  I have 4 nieces and nephews (17, 7, 5 and 4) and other than the 17 year old (who I don't see often anyway) I couldn't be around my niece and nephews for over 4 months.  I was scared that they'd ask where Corbin was.  I was also mad at my BIL and his wife for having so many kids and them all being fine and being horrible parents (their house is filthy, they don't do anything with them, ignore one of them etc.)

The anger is very scary.  I remember having thoughts that scared even myself.  I'd hear that a friend was expecting and my immediate thought was "I bet their baby won't die" and would hate myself for the mere thought.  That's not me. 

This doesn't make you a bad person.  As PP stated, you have to go through this to push through.  In time, you will learn how to recognize that you're angry and you'll learn how best to move past it (it's different for everyone).  I'm over 18 months out and I still have angry moments, days and weeks.  Fighting it is pointless.  It's ok to be angry.  We've all been dealt a really crappy hand in life.

amandager99

Thank you everyone. I wish I knew how to get those closest to me without hurting them. I don't think it's fair to hurt them just because I'm hurting. I hate that any of us are here, but somehow wish we were closer to each other. We haven't been able to find a support group that we feel comfortable with, so you guys are that for me.

jess123456

Huge hugs to you. I have lots to share on this topic but I will try my best to keep it brief.

Your loss is so new and those first few weeks and months are so hard. Feeling angry and bitter is really part of the grief and please don't feel guilty for it like I did. It is natural to feel that way but just allow yourself to feel anger and bitterness for those who thankfully never had to go through this kind of loss because it really isn't fair. 

You are the farthest from crazy. You are a grieving mother and this is all very natural. At first when things are so raw it can really take your breath away but I do promise you that the pain does get more manageable even when you can't believe that it could ever get that way. Somehow we are all standing and learn to live with our new normals. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You are not alone.

weddedwife

I was angry for a long time. I'm now 19 months out from my loss. I'd say I was angry for a good 5 to 6 months. So much so that I didn't recognize myself and didn't like the person I felt I was becoming. Mostly, I was angry at "friends" for not being there for us. Since then I have let some friendships go, and have come to accept the new landscape of our social lives and its been somewhat freeing, in an odd way.

I still am angry at myself in private moments, for not being able to protect my son, for not reacting and seeking help sooner, etc. I'm angry that this is my life now and I can't relate to other moms, or to most people period. But it's not as overwhelming as it was at first, more sort of just depressing.

I'm sorry, I hope I'm not discouraging you. But after many months I'll take depressing over fuming mad like I felt before. I do know that anger is a natural part of this process and I don't know when it'll go away completely, if ever.