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Blended Families
Custody Issues - Advise Needed
I'm reaching out within in this community of parents to ask for advise and guidance for my present situation.
Here is my story: I have a 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage, he chose to leave the marriage when she was 6 months old. I was granted primary physical custody and he has physical custody with visitation.
The visitation started out with two days a week for two hours until she was two years old, at that time he started with weekend visits and slowly moved to one overnight every other weekend.
Overall since she was about 2 1/2 he has consistently had visitation every Tuesday evening for two hours, and every other weekend Friday - Sunday. I have been remarried for five years, we married when my daughter was almost 3. (happens we'd been friends since we were 13 and just happened to reconnect after several years and things just happened) We have built a strong family unit, I have two more children ages 4 and 18 months.
Everything has continued to stay consistent and fine with my ex, and visitation has remained the same, he never asked for more time previously. In January my husband was offered a promotion which originally had been with relocation out of state. I live in PA and we were asked to move to Chicago.
I spoke to my ex in regards to the relocation, and he lost it, he was very upset and angry and couldn't believe I would do it. Before we were offered the option to relocate, we were already planning on selling our home, as we were looking for a new larger home in a better school district.
The relocation never happened, it was withdrew from the table, however we moved in with my in laws and are selling our current home, as we wanted to save a little more money to purchase a home in the school district we wanted and have my daughter start in the new school in the fall of this year, rather than wait any longer. In the mean time, my ex petitioned the court for primary or 50/50 custody of our daughter.
I have tried to speak with him many times saying that a change such as this would be difficult for her, she has lived with me primarily since she was born, to uproot her from her family, and siblings for a 50/50 arrangement is crazy. I've offered several options to him with more time, offering an extended weekend, and three full weeks of the summer vacation.
He has consistently denied everything that I have offered. He is pushing for 50/50. He is pushing for me to attend co parenting classes, he hasn't offered any options to visitation, he is simply pushing to have me agree to a 50/50 arrangement, he is also researching schools as he is trying to push me to have her attend a school closer to him and have me relocate closer to his location.
We are not open to this location, it is not where we had planned to raise our family, and presently my daughter is enrolled in the new school for the upcoming year. We are scheduled to go to court at the beginning of August, his lawyer is requesting a full day to review his case and bring five witnesses.
My ex lived with his mother for the past 5 years, he recently bought a home of his own, he is single and does not have any relationships or any other children.
My daughter has known one way in her life, she has been in a consistent, healthy, secure home life for 7 years, she has a step dad that embraces her as his own, she has two siblings she has shared her life with. I'm so scared that the court would actually state that 50/50 is an option. My lawyer told me the judge assigned to my case is pro 50/50.
I can not fathom that anyone would think completely changing her life would be a benefit. I can not believe her father actually thinks it is better for her to go back and forth like that. We do live in two separate school districts, I'm afraid the court will look at my current situation, living with my in laws while we search for a home as being an option for us to find one closer to him.......
I do not agree to the 50/50, I have been the primary care giver for 7 years of her life, I schedule and take her to all of her appointments, every single activity, schedule her for school, camp, etc. I coordinate everything.
He has complete access to her school schedule, yet has made no effort until recently to attend even her awards ceremony, claiming I don't tell him when these things occur, but my argument is that I am not his mom, or his wife, he has to do his due diligence to ask about this information, and look it up on the school website if he wants to know about it. I can't deliver everything to his front door. He never asks about any of it, never says, how is her school, does she have anything coming up.
I'm being scrutinized because I didn't tell him directly, but he has the same access I do to know about it. I just look it up, why do I have to do all the work yet he doesn't have to do anything but say that I should have told him.
I'm so frustrated, I feel everyone is making me out to be the bad guy, when he has made these choices himself and now since I scared him saying I was going to move, he is doing everything to make sure I never can even if it means uprooting our daughter from the only consistency she's ever known.
I hate that she is going to experience divorce 7 years after it happened. He said he doesn't care whether she wants to or not, that she will have to adjust. What court or judge would look at this situation and think it would be in the her best interest to now do a 50/50 arrangement.
If you made it this far and really can offer some kind of support or third party insight that would so greatly appreciated. I look forward to hearing what others might have to say. Thank you very much, Melissa
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Custody Issues - Advise Needed
So it was ok to uproot your daughter when it was convenient for YOU, but now that it is not convenient for you, its wrong?
Taking her away from her father was ok when it was convenient for you, but loosing similar amount of time you were asking BD to loose is now wrong?
It is ok to have your daughter live with her step-grandparents until YOU figure out what YOU want, but having a 50/50 schedule with her father is wrong?
Look, I am not a fan of 50/50. But I am actually a fan of fathers having equal access to their children. Everything you have suggested, from moving out of state to even just moving 20 minutes further away is taking away from him.
Here is the thing. YOU were granted full custody with him getting visitation. YOU cannot complain about having to raise your child when YOU got what YOU wanted. Nor can you hold that against him.
The default for most divorces, even today, is pro mother. Men are conditioned to believe that this is all that they get. UNTIL that little bit is threatened.
I am betting that when you unilaterally decided to take his child to Chicago, he got himself a lawyer - because he did not WANT to lose even more time with his child, and he found out that he could actually GET more than the default he was given 7 years ago. And now he wants to...oh I dont know...have a better parental relationship with his child.
I feel for you, I do. And I am not trying to be harsh or mean. But your daughter has another parent. And he does not sound like he was a bad parent at all. It sounds like he was an average man who defaulted into the standard roles (fathers rarely make school events - something that many researches have claimed to be the reason why women still make less money than men - and divorced dads who resign themselves to EVOWE) and now wants to change.
YOU are not evil in this, but he isn't either.
Let me start by saying that I can completely empathize with your position. I am also a mom who is the custodial parent. My XH also left when my child was very young.
However... I think that you have to consider the fact that you opened this can of worms. If you are okay with removing her consistency to suit your needs, you must also try to find a way to be okay with removing her consistency in this new set of circumstances.
This isn't at all going to be what you want to hear, but why not accept the idea of 50/50 but try to gain some control over how it happens? Why not agree to 50/50 starting in six months so that you can gradually build up to it? That way your daughter has a better chance to acclimate to the changes.
Looking at what you have included in your post, I don't see any reason a court would deny 50/50. Which isn't to say they'll grant it either, I'm just saying I don't see any obvious red flags.
FWIW I also do not mother my XH's time with my child. When we first split up, I found myself doing it a lot and forced myself to step back. So I don't think you should be blamed for not telling him about things when you both have equal access to information.
What are you most worried about with a 50/50 schedule? There are several ladies here who split time and perhaps we can make some suggestions or alleviate your concerns?
I do agree w ppers that considering a move to Chicago was not appropriate, and not in your dds best interest. I have the opportunity to move to Italy for 2 years for work. What an insane opportunity for me and my family! I think all the kids would benefit. But I never considered it bc it would not be in my dc's best interest to be separated from her dad like that. Considering that move was a misstep... Unfortunately blended families mean sacrifice.
I have been in your shoes, scared of what the judge is going to do. Unfortunately you have no control over that and you have to pray that you have a good one. I have had good and bad... It's the system. My lawyer had told me that in this area, most judges don't change custody when parents live over 30 min apart unless the mom is found unfit. However, posting on here I have def seen many people get a custody change to 50 50 when the mom is fit. So you don't know how it will go. Just be sure to be moved into your new house by then, and make sure you have a good lawyer. That's all you can do. Good luck.
I think that the 2 hours two times a week until 2 is absurd. I get that it's what most men are offered, but it's ridiculous. I could have pushed (and probably still could) to cut exh out, but I don't. Kids in divorce always feel the pull of the other parent. It could be 10-90, 20-80 or 50-50 or something in between. You feel that this is the perfect situation because it's scary to "lose" your child for a larger percentage of time. But in the big picture, a stable parent who can share in the parenting in a more day to day way is the best thing for the child. Both parents. Equally.
And I say this as someone who would happily work out 50-50 with my ex but have not, and my eldest is 9. I have not because he is not stable. It breaks my heart that children who could have two full on parents are deprived of this - I WISH my children could have both of their parents AND a loving step dad and other siblings. MORE love and support is never a bad thing.
Well said!!
Well said!!
Most of the ppers have covered alot of what I was thinking - but I decided to put in some advice for you.
I also live in PA and I am the SM. My DH and BM separated when SS was under 2. My DH did not have a lawyer and agreed to Weds. night dinner and 1 overnight per weekend. He didn't fight this at all and just went along with the way things were. Eventually there was a catalyst that changed his thinking (just like your ex's thinking changed). First, I cam into DH's life and I helped empower him into knowing her was a good father (BM always - still does - tells him he doesn't do anything right) and 2nd - BM started dating someone in upstate NY and DH got scared to death that she would take SS away.
We live in the same county, but about 25-30 minutes apart (and believe it or not its the same school district).
DH filed for 50/50 custody when SS was 4. BM fought it every step of the way. We had to keep going to court, trials drug on, evaluations drug on, counseling drug on - and in the end we were all a lot poorer (about 50K on our side) and we have 50% custody and SS couldn't be happier.
So here is my suggestion to you. Make a plan. A 1 year plan. Start by extending your ex's weekends to go from Friday to Monday morning. Make his dinner visit an overnight. And slowly build until you are 50/50 or at least close.
It's not bad for your child and the disruption isn't going to hurt her. If her Dad is a good Dad than this may even be good for her - but it will be hard for you and it will hurt you. But you need to separate her feelings and your feelings.
We do a 5-2-2-5 schedule during the school year and EOW in the summer.
I urge you to think about working with your ex and not fighting this. In our case - the fighting made things worse. BM and DH are now mortal enemies and that hurts SS more than any time sharing arrangement could hurt him.
PA is becoming very big on 50/50. If you try to work with your ex instead of fighting him you could get to 50/50 on your terms and make this easier on everyone.
Good luck and feel free to PM me if you have any PA specific questions.
Have you offered to put a clause in the new CO that you cannot move X amount of miles from him? That may calm his nerves a bit. I think considering the move to Chicago was selfish and PP are right that he probably saw a lawyer when you threatened to move and that is what pushed the situation.
Make sure you have a good lawyer and always focus on how keeping the current situation would be best for DD, not focusing on things XH has done wrong. Bringing up little grievances looks petty to a judge.
As a Mom who went from SAHM full time caregiver, to divorced working mom with 50/50 custody, I truely understand how heartbreaking it is to lose a ton of time with your children. Ultimately though, you have to do what's best for the kids. If you are ordered to change your situation please just remember that it is not the end of the world and you need to keep a happy face and make it a smooth transition for DD. Too many times in situations like this the parent who feels like they lost becomes bitter and makes things much harder on the child.
I think you should not be as worried as you are. Based on the distance you live and a lot of other factors such as history and you have sibilings in your home I don't believe he will get 50/50. It sounds to me like he is trying to intimidate you. Do you have an attorney? Is he willing to drive her to school everyday since you live in different districts? Do you work? If you don't work it is to your advantage that you are available to be with her every mornind and every day after school. If he works full time he isn't going to be able to give her the attention and care that you can provide during the day.
Someone else posted a 14 point factor that a judge uses to decide timesharing change. I will see if I can find it. A few of the factors were siblings in the home and distance between the two homes.
Also I don't think you living with family is an issue. It is probably good that you have a lot of adults around to help care for your DD.
Also you really should NOT make your user name your real name. If it is, that is not really the smartest thing to do.
The worst thing that will happen is your DD will get more time with her dad. Which isn't a bad thing. It would be hard but you would all adjust.
Also I do want to warn you that a lot of women on here are stepmom's and you are getting the point of view of women who haven't had to give up their own child 50/50.
Also, in my situation my ex threatened to try to get full custody or 50/50 and in the end he didn't fight the 8 days a month I offered him. Maybe if you can talk to BD and offer him more time during the summers and holidays? Courts usually require you to go to mediation first. Have you all not attended or scheduled mediation? The courts do not want to decide for you so they want you to attempt to come to an agreement with a mediator.