To hyphen or not...

zenjenjen

My fianc? and I are struggling with whether or not we want to hyphenate both my last name upon marriage and the baby's last name. Being that I am 41 and have used my maiden name my entire life, I would prefer at least keeping it in some form. As for the baby's last name, we are still trying to decide whether we should use my maiden name as his middle name or hyphenate his last name. I supposed it could be confusing if not done properly. Any thoughts, suggestions, ideas are appreciated. Thank you!

Carnation77

I'm not going to say you shouldn't hyphenate (yours or baby's) because that's a personal choice and plenty of people do it.  However, I will say that if you decide to change your name it does get easier.  I'm also a professional with all my degrees/certifications in my maiden name.  It really sucked when I changed my name and took a long time to get used to.  However, 6 years later, I'm glad I did.  It's just so much easier.  Also, it was no big deal professionally.  

JackieA2013

I was married later in life too, but chose not to hyphenate.  It just makes a name so long.  Instead, I made my maiden name my second middle name.  I use both the maiden name and married name professionally, but socially I just use the married name.  After almost two years, I'm finally getting used to it.

As for your son, I think a hyphenated name is akward for a child.  I'm pretty traditional there, so I would give the child the father's name.  But, you have to be comfortable with the decision.  Good luck!

 

happywifemomofone

I have pretty strong opinions about this topic, having raised my son (now almost 21) as a single mom.  If I could do it again (was engaged when pg to his dad) I was def. hyphenate and give your baby both last names.  Just because your child has 2 last names, doesn't mean he has to use both last names.  Babies and small children are very hard on the best of relationships, and there are no guarantees.  If you wedding is before baby is born and you change your last name, then give baby your husbands last name.  When my son was in school, I was assumed to be Mrs (daddy's name) and spent years correcting kids who had no ill intentions.  (his dad and i never married).  If you use both names, and daddy is not in the picture, you can choose to drop his last name and just have your child use yours.  I was also irritated that I could not hang a sign saying S..... household, est  1998-because I never wanted my son to feel excluded.  Now that I am married.....the issues are the same, because my son's last name is different.  I did take my husbands last name, and that was not too difficult.....but if my son had my name, I would have either hyphenated-or encouraged my husband to take my last name.  Just because you hyphenate names on bith certificate, doesn't mean you have to share full name with everyone.  I also have relatives who never learned my son's last name, and address things to him using my last name (which he is sometimes offended by).  GL, these can be tough and tricky decisions!

supersarah77

This is totally a personal decision and there's no wrong answer. I did not change my name when I got married because the reasons to change my name just weren't compelling to me. Plus if change my mind later I can still change it. Marriage is not the only opportunity to change your name, you can do it anytime.

As for LO, it's been a hard decision but we decided to hyphenate. It's like part me plus part him equals me hyphen him. We joined together to create this life. Again, not necessarily a permanent decision.

Lenox1975

I'm also having a hard time with this.  I kept my maiden name and that decision was very important to me.  

I really like hyphenated names when mom/dad have different last names.  I like the idea of the sharing of the mom and dad vs choosing one over the other.  I get a a little riled up over "why should the baby get the man's last name - that's so typical and backwards!" However, MH and I have 2 longer last names that sound and look TERRIBLE when hyphenated!  It's so sad.

I also really dislike the idea of my child having a different last name than me. Especially if god forbid MH and I don't work out.   I think it complicates things at school, etc - nothing insurmountable but I would prefer to avoid the hassle. BUT I don't want to take MH last name because I'm attached to my own!

To be honest, I am not sure what to do and there isn't a magical answer for me. What we may do is instead of hyphenating, like someone else said, I may give my last name as the baby's middle name.  I also am toying with the idea of changing my name legally and using my maiden name for work, etc.  In that case, the baby and I will have the same middle/last name.  It still makes me feel like a sell out but maybe a good compromise.

Oy - I got myself even more confused! 

Lenox1975

Sing2phins:

Lenox1975:

I'm also having a hard time with this.  I kept my maiden name and that decision was very important to me.  

I really like hyphenated names when mom/dad have different last names.  I like the idea of the sharing of the mom and dad vs choosing one over the other.  I get a a little riled up over "why should the baby get the man's last name - that's so typical and backwards!" However, MH and I have 2 longer last names that sound and look TERRIBLE when hyphenated!  It's so sad.

I also really dislike the idea of my child having a different last name than me. Especially if god forbid MH and I don't work out.   I think it complicates things at school, etc - nothing insurmountable but I would prefer to avoid the hassle. BUT I don't want to take MH last name because I'm attached to my own!

To be honest, I am not sure what to do and there isn't a magical answer for me. What we may do is instead of hyphenating, like someone else said, I may give my last name as the baby's middle name.  I also am toying with the idea of changing my name legally and using my maiden name for work, etc.  In that case, the baby and I will have the same middle/last name.  It still makes me feel like a sell out but maybe a good compromise.

Oy - I got myself even more confused! 

As someone raised by my dad and step-mom (who is really my mom in my mind), and whose step-mom retains her maiden name, I can tell you this was never a problem for me or my brother in all our years of schooling.

That's great to hear!   

SkiHorse

I didn't take my husband's last name for professional reasons.  I thought hyphenating was awkward, so our first child simply has my husband's last name.  I kind of regret that my name is completely different than my son's, even though we live in a progressive city where we haven't encountered any confusion or dissent over our differing last names.  With this second child, I'd like to use my last name as a middle name (no hyphen).  This poses some challenges because my husband's name and mine both have two syllables and end in a "y."  It may limit the first names we can choose, and I'm not sure my husband is totally on board with that, but I really want one of my kids to have my name.

vanfox

DS and I have different last names (as will new LO and I) and it's really never been a hassle. No one's really confused about who's his mama. You'll figure out what's the right move for you.

Oh, and my mom got remarried when I was 15 and my brother was 10 and took our stepfather's last name. That was never a problem in school, either! 

MynaBird

My mom kept her maiden name and my brother and I were given our father's last name. It never caused us any trouble, and by the time we were in school, we both had the "our mom kept her maiden name" elevator speech down pat. (My brother, at age 8, explained to a teacher that it was "some kind of women's lib thing.")

I hyphenated when I got married, but our baby will have my husband's last name. My sister-in-law grew up with a hyphenated last name, and she couldn't wait to change it. Hyphenating was the right choice for me personally, but it isn't the choice we want to make for our child. 

As PP said, there's no wrong answer! Whatever you feel comfortable with is what's right for your family. Don't worry about confusing other people; in my experience, it's not an issue for most people, and for the very few for whom it's so confusing that they need to make it an issue... well, that's their problem, not yours.