Serious discussion

Lacyj67

So lets talk about this one.... Me and DH have been discussing this topic I the hut tub as of late. We both are not really on the same page and in trying to get him on my page ...

So question is . Do you tell your DE daughter or son what you went through to get them from a very young age or do you wait till you think they are ready and can understand???

liz4paws

When I first started investigating DEmbryos, this was a huge topic on my mind. The last thing I wanted to do is scar my children by taking the wrong approach. I researched the daylights out of it and even talked to a psychologist who specialized in children born of donor gametes.

Overwhelmingly the evidence pointed to having children understand their special origins from before they can remember otherwise. It should always be a part of their normal. The part that can be troublesome for children is remembering the day that they received "the talk" that they are not genetically related.

As a suggestion, the psychologist said to document the process of how they came to you in a loving and beautiful way. Find mementos, and journal it all into a child's book. Document the cycle in a child-friendly way, and continue into the pregnancy/birth. Continue documenting until they are a toddler and start reading it to them. They will just "know" this is who they are, and they will know it was a beautiful and loving story. Not one to be ashamed of. Secrets generally imply shame, so the psychologist reiterated how critical it was to be transparent with our child.

Oh and we've opted to use the term "baby seed" since that seems to be explanatory without going too into the birds and the bees. Sometimes mommies and daddies have their own baby seeds to grow a family (like a garden) and sometimes they get help from others. But in the end, they are a family just the same.

It's a common topic on the minds of those using TPR but this is what I've learned in my research. I think it's important that they know from the beginning.

Oh and I find our hot tub is like the number one place for serious conversations as well. Something about the warm bubbly water seems to really encourage deep conversation!

Good luck, Lacy!

Lacyj67

Thanks for that Liz. I believe exactly what you believe and am trying to get DH on the same page. He's pretty easy to talk into things and I have explained my side of all this and I think he's slowly seeing it my way now. Most people don't really truly know what it's like to actually have to think seriously about this question so people like us on this board it's nice getting to see there approach on this topic!!!
Thanks for the great ideas about the book. I know they sell one in amazon so I'm curious to read it. Good luck to you too!!!

melkel559

liz4paws:

When I first started investigating DEmbryos, this was a huge topic on my mind. The last thing I wanted to do is scar my children by taking the wrong approach. I researched the daylights out of it and even talked to a psychologist who specialized in children born of donor gametes.Overwhelmingly the evidence pointed to having children understand their special origins from before they can remember otherwise. It should always be a part of their normal. The part that can be troublesome for children is remembering the day that they received "the talk" that they are not genetically related.As a suggestion, the psychologist said to document the process of how they came to you in a loving and beautiful way. Find mementos, and journal it all into a child's book. Document the cycle in a childfriendly way, and continue into the pregnancy/birth. Continue documenting until they are a toddler and start reading it to them. They will just "know" this is who they are, and they will know it was a beautiful and loving story. Not one to be ashamed of. Secrets generally imply shame, so the psychologist reiterated how critical it was to be transparent with our child.Oh and we've opted to use the term "baby seed" since that seems to be explanatory without going too into the birds and the bees. Sometimes mommies and daddies have their own baby seeds to grow a family like a garden and sometimes they get help from others. But in the end, they are a family just the same. :It's a common topic on the minds of those using TPR but this is what I've learned in my research. I think it's important that they know from the beginning.Oh and I find our hot tub is like the number one place for serious conversations as well. Something about the warm bubbly water seems to really encourage deep conversation!Good luck, Lacy!

This a hundred percent. I'm adopted and can't recall a time that I didn't know. My mom read adoption based books to me starting at a very young age. It has always been my normal and we want this for our child as well.

liz4paws

Lacyj67:

Thanks for that Liz. I believe exactly what you believe and am trying to get DH on the same page. He's pretty easy to talk into things and I have explained my side of all this and I think he's slowly seeing it my way now. Most people don't really truly know what it's like to actually have to think seriously about this question so people like us on this board it's nice getting to see there approach on this topic!!! Thanks for the great ideas about the book. I know they sell one in amazon so I'm curious to read it. Good luck to you too!!!

I saw the books on Amazon and they are great as well. But the one that my psychologist suggested is a customized one that I'll make that speaks specifically to/about that child. I originally was going to use a scrapbook to tell the story, but I think I'm actually going to use a site like shutterfly or something to make an actual professional-looking bound book. We will see when the time comes! I'll probably get it together after my second trimester.

 

As far as YH goes, MH was similar in the beginning. Talking to the psychologist together really opened his eyes. Do you have to go to a psychologist for your DE cycle? If not, I'd still recommend it. It was extremely helpful!

LittleLady77

What Liz said. 

I have also done a ton of research on this one and I know a few DE kids IRL.   Pretty much everyone agrees the children should grow up knowing their special story.  Today families are created in a number of different ways and it's their right to know their story.  Secrets in families are toxic and when they eventually come out it will be a horrible event.  This is a really good resource: https://www.pved.org/disclosure.html

 It took a while for DH to come around to this.  He really wanted to protect the kid(s) from all possible negative feelings but as the article points out, that's just unrealistic. 

Lacyj67

liz4paws:

Lacyj67:

Thanks for that Liz. I believe exactly what you believe and am trying to get DH on the same page. He's pretty easy to talk into things and I have explained my side of all this and I think he's slowly seeing it my way now. Most people don't really truly know what it's like to actually have to think seriously about this question so people like us on this board it's nice getting to see there approach on this topic!!!
Thanks for the great ideas about the book. I know they sell one in amazon so I'm curious to read it. Good luck to you too!!!

I saw the books on Amazon and they are great as well. But the one that my psychologist suggested is a customized one that I'll make that speaks specifically to/about that child. I originally was going to use a scrapbook to tell the story, but I think I'm actually going to use a site like shutterfly or something to make an actual professional-looking bound book. We will see when the time comes! I'll probably get it together after my second trimester.

 

As far as YH goes, MH was similar in the beginning. Talking to the psychologist together really opened his eyes. Do you have to go to a psychologist for your DE cycle? If not, I'd still recommend it. It was extremely helpful!

They never said I have to see a psychologist yet so who knows. I would like to go to one anyways so we gotta set that up.

happywifemomofone

Lacyj67:

liz4paws:

Lacyj67:

Thanks for that Liz. I believe exactly what you believe and am trying to get DH on the same page. He's pretty easy to talk into things and I have explained my side of all this and I think he's slowly seeing it my way now. Most people don't really truly know what it's like to actually have to think seriously about this question so people like us on this board it's nice getting to see there approach on this topic!!! Thanks for the great ideas about the book. I know they sell one in amazon so I'm curious to read it. Good luck to you too!!!

I saw the books on Amazon and they are great as well. But the one that my psychologist suggested is a customized one that I'll make that speaks specifically to/about that child. I originally was going to use a scrapbook to tell the story, but I think I'm actually going to use a site like shutterfly or something to make an actual professional-looking bound book. We will see when the time comes! I'll probably get it together after my second trimester.

 

As far as YH goes, MH was similar in the beginning. Talking to the psychologist together really opened his eyes. Do you have to go to a psychologist for your DE cycle? If not, I'd still recommend it. It was extremely helpful!

They never said I have to see a psychologist yet so who knows. I would like to go to one anyways so we gotta set that up.

One of the requirements to do DE at my clinic was to meet with the Psychologist, and I am so glad that we did!  She had example books that were written about ART to help children of different ages understand how much they were wanted and how many different ways families come to be.  If we ask our child "when did you first learn that you were conceived using DE?"......we want his/her answer to be "I've always known." 

Lacyj67

An itsy bitsy gift of life seems to be really popular and mommy was your tummy big. Those seem to pop up the most but I personally like Liz's idea of making your own and doing pictures and stuff.

liz4paws

Lacyj67:

An itsy bitsy gift of life seems to he really poplar and mommy was your tummy big. Those seem to pop up the lost hut I personally like Liz's idea of making your own and doing pictures and stuff.

I posted a similar question on my blog a few weeks ago and one of my readers posted this beautiful book she had made when they adopted their baby girl. I thought it was perfect and plan to do one very similar.

 https://www.rcolbertreport.com/2013/02/es-adoption-book.html

Lacyj67

I liked there book a lot that was cute! They had a sweet story.

BeckyP005

That was a cute idea.

MH is so hard to talk to. We really haven't had this discussion yet. I'm sure we will tell him/her early on but is anyone NOT telling pp that they used DE? Not sure what MH thinks about this. Only a few know...

I assume pp might think we did some form of treatment of my age? Idk....

Km672

I will be creating a special book for our baby as well. I also plan on using the baby seed term and reading it to them as a baby. We were told it is best to be open with the child as early as possible.

I plan to include their embryo picture, a pic of the positive hpt and basically how excited we are to meet them. I want to put ultrasound pics, letters to them about all of the things we hope to do with them, ect. The book will emphasize how very badly they were wanted and how much they are loved as well as begin to introduce the way they were created.

Btw, I understand not everyone is comfortable being open and I respect there are not black and white answers.

These are very difficult and personal decisions and I feel everyone needs to do what is best for their family.

MrsT4

BeckyP005:

That was a cute idea.

MH is so hard to talk to. We really haven't had this discussion yet. I'm sure we will tell him/her early on but is anyone NOT telling pp that they used DE? Not sure what MH thinks about this. Only a few know...

I assume pp might think we did some form of treatment of my age? Idk....

While I feel it's very important to inform the child at an early age, I'm also a bit concerned about privacy and not wanting the whole world to know that we used DE's to conceive our (hopefully future) children.  At least that's where it gets hairy for me...wanting to be open with my child but somehow relaying to them that they don't need to disclose it to everyone they meet, as sometimes young children have no filter (LOL).  Maybe it's my own hang-up, but I feel strongly that not everyone in my life needs to know, so how do you strike the balance with your child (being open and honest) yet also relaying the sense of privacy (vs. secrecy) about their conception?

I don't know if other hetero couples feel this way...for example, I would think it is somewhat easier for same sex couples to explain the process, as it is just a medical  fact that you need an egg and sperm for conception, so it would be a given that a donor would be needed.  That said, I would think that regardless of sexual orientation, the parent without the genetic link may face similar issues, when discussing the donation process.