In need of unbiased opinions/advice

NavyWifeTrivette

So most of you probably recall my situation. Well about a month or month and a half ago I started talking to my husband again. He has gotten back on the right track and is working really hard, and I got all that information from his family who wouldn't lie to me about it. We talk every day now because we wanted to be able to be civil and friends for our son's sake and for him to have both parents in his life. Things have been going good with the talking. Although, my family does not yet know I am talking to him again because I know they would freak out. But now, he is saying he wants to work things out and try again. He knows he screwed up big time, but he says he still loves me and he wants to make things right. 

I don't know how I feel about this. On one side I want to give it a shot because I do still love him. He is my husband and the father of my son so I will always love him and have a connection to him. Plus I want our son to have both parents, preferably living in the same roof and still very much in love. But on the other side, I don't know if I can every fully trust him again or if I can look past this and start anew. I don't want to keep wondering "what if", which I tend to do a lot right now. But I also don't want to try and have it fail again. In the end I want whatever is best for my son, whether that be working it out or not. But I don't know what is best and I don't know what to do. I have been going back and forth between the pros and cons and I still have no idea. I can't talk to family about it because of course they are biased now and still mad at him for what he did in the first place. They keep saying that people like that don't change. But I have a hard time believing that because I have seen people like that change first hand. My father for example. He was a horrible dad when I was younger, and it took him a long time to change (mostly because he didn't want to at first), but not he has changed and he is a really good guy now. So what if my husband can change? Is it worth trying? Or should I just cut my losses and run for the hills so I don't risk further heartbreak?

Sorry that ended up kind of long. My mind is just kind of a jumbled mess right now. Any opinions/advice are greatly appreciated.  

tracy41

My opinion is that people can change but they don't change that fast. Honestly if he wants things to work out he should prove it by staying on the straight and narrow...for at least a year. Then you could realistically consider it. Right now he probably had a freak out when he realized how stupid he was being and he thinks that he wants to change and go back because he's missing what he had. But he'll get over it. Never move back, always move forward. If he changes and you decide you want him back it won't be like it was, it'll be different because of what you've been through. Make sure that's what you want, too.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

NavyWifeTrivette

Thank you both for the advice! It helps to get outside opinions. I actually started seeing a therapist about 2.5 months ago (shortly after I came back home) because I knew it was a lot of stress to keep bottled up during the pregnancy. My therapist is amazing and she is a big help, but ultimately she tells me that only I know what is right for me and my family. As far as my husband goes, he broke up with the drug addict shortly after arriving in KY when he finally realized what she was all about (he didn't know she was on drugs, she hid it well until they got to ky). After he broke up with her, he got a job cooking at applebees (his stepmom is the manager so she keeps an eye on him there), and been living with his dad and stepmom so they see first hand the changes he has made. When he is not working, he is home helping around the house and helping to take care of his 2 year old little sister. He has not been drinking anymore. He has been on the straight and narrow now for about 2 months (maybe more), so he got himself back on track before he even started talking to me again. I know it still takes a lot longer than that, but I am proud of him for holding it together this long. He hit rock bottom, and maybe that was what he needed to realize what he had and what he wants. What I am thinking right now, because I know he can not change over night, if I do decide to try it out again, I am thinking about asking him to start from the beginning. Try "dating" again first. I will still stay living with my mom in case it doesn't work out it would be another big change. That would force him to prove himself by coming to CT, getting an apartment, a job, and working hard to win me and my family over again. Does that sound reasonable? I still don't know if I want to try to work it out, but if I do decide to I am wondering if that would be the best way to try it out and test the waters. Ideas?

Sherrita82

tifanico:

I know it's really hard but you have to see thingsnbsp;objectively. I had to go back and look for your original post.If I came here and told you, hey my husband is an alcoholic and left me and is now dating someone who does drugs, would you tell me to go back to him? of course I am not going to tell you what you should do but I strongly recommend you to go to therapy. You mentioned that younbsp;don'tnbsp;have a lot of people to talk to so this would be an amazing idea.Then nbsp;you also mention that his family has talked to you and they would never lie, let's say that is true BUT he might not be telling them the whole story. nbsp;Please, take your time to process and remember that changes take time not just a few days of telling you that he is going to work on things.

I agree with all of this. Please don't make any decision in a hurry. It will definitely take some time for him to change and after all you've been through you deserve time to think and to heal your wounds. Praying for you.

tracy41

NavyWifeTrivette:

Thank you both for the advice! It helps to get outside opinions. I actually started seeing a therapist about 2.5 months ago (shortly after I came back home) because I knew it was a lot of stress to keep bottled up during the pregnancy. My therapist is amazing and she is a big help, but ultimately she tells me that only I know what is right for me and my family. As far as my husband goes, he broke up with the drug addict shortly after arriving in KY when he finally realized what she was all about (he didn't know she was on drugs, she hid it well until they got to ky). After he broke up with her, he got a job cooking at applebees (his stepmom is the manager so she keeps an eye on him there), and been living with his dad and stepmom so they see first hand the changes he has made. When he is not working, he is home helping around the house and helping to take care of his 2 year old little sister. He has not been drinking anymore. He has been on the straight and narrow now for about 2 months (maybe more), so he got himself back on track before he even started talking to me again. I know it still takes a lot longer than that, but I am proud of him for holding it together this long. He hit rock bottom, and maybe that was what he needed to realize what he had and what he wants. What I am thinking right now, because I know he can not change over night, if I do decide to try it out again, I am thinking about asking him to start from the beginning. Try "dating" again first. I will still stay living with my mom in case it doesn't work out it would be another big change. That would force him to prove himself by coming to CT, getting an apartment, a job, and working hard to win me and my family over again. Does that sound reasonable? I still don't know if I want to try to work it out, but if I do decide to I am wondering if that would be the best way to try it out and test the waters. Ideas?

 

I still think you are rushing, but I understand how hard and scary it is when you are pregnant and you just want your baby to have a family. Definitely stay where you're at, your safety zone. Let him come visit, see how you feel. I wouldn't try to uproot him to CT if he's just getting back on track though. It sounds like it's his family helping him get there and forcing him away from them so soon may knock him off track. If it's going to work, there's no rush. If it feels like it's going to fall apart if you don't hurry it will fall apart anyway later.

honeysuckle2012

Your therapist is right. Only you can decide this. If you do, I would make him go to couples therapy. Not just until things are "better" but for a long time. It's a good way to find out a lot of things that not only he is thinking and going through but also you. Good luck.