So angry (long)

BrittianyM

Hi ladies,

 

Not sure where to begin here. I intro'd last month when my 11 week old daughter Brooke passed away. Still waiting on the official cause of death but we believe it was SIDS. She was being watched by my BFF while I was at work. Brooke was placed on her tummy for a nap and never woke up.

 

At first I wasn't angry at my BFF b/c I felt that it just happened and that she is a good mom. Plus being angry will not bring my little girl back. But now, I am very angry at her and feel like she killed my baby. I never put her on her tummy to sleep.

 

I was high risk during my pregnancy with Brooke but everything turned out fine and I gave birth to a perfectly healthy happy little baby.  How is it that I can go through all that and still lose her? Why can so many other people have their kids? What did I do so wrong in my life to deserve this? I know Brooke didn't do anything wrong and she didn't deserve this.

 

I just don't know how to live without her. She is my everything! I feel like I am living someone else life. That I can hit the rewind button and change this. SIDS only seems to happen to a friend of a friend. Wow, I have become that friend of a friend. When did that happen?

 

My DH and I have said that we can not imagine having a life without kids now that we know how wonderful she is but I am scared to ever go through this again. I feel like that Brooke was my one and only chance. I was high risk for miscarriage and/or still birth during my pregnancy with her. How do I chance that again? We can not survive another lose let alone this one. Brooke was such a sweet loving happy little girl.

 

This is not fair that anyone ever has to lose a child, whether it be a miscarriage, stillborn or infant loss. Thanks for listening to my babble and sorry for all of your losses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Heatherhah

I am truly so so sorry for you and I wish there was a way to take away your pain. Huge hugs!! They say when you no longer fear the loss of another baby and you want another baby so much it is all you think about is the right time to TTC again. When we lost Sydney I wasn't 100% ready to TTC but I was almost 39 and time wasn't on my side ,I had to believe that the same thing wouldn't happen again. I couldn't believe that it would happen again. I had to think like that my whole rainbow pregnancy. It was tough maybe the second hardest thing in my life next to losing Sydney. You have strength that you didn't know that you had trust me. You have survived the worst thing that can happen to a person the loss of a child. People told me all the time that I was strong and I would chuckle and say yeah right you don't see me when I am a mess in the car crying missing my baby. But it is true we are all strong we just don't feel it all the time. You got out of bed today that is huge !!! Smile if you can you are loved by Brooke so much she only knew that you loved her thats amazing. She was very lucky to have you as your next child will be too. That being said you need time to grieve your sweet baby. I personally have no idea how you are handling your friend I would never want to speak to her again. I would be angry too !! HUGE HUGE hugs!! Heather

angelsnight

I am so sorry you're hurting so bad.  My baby was stillborn at 22 weeks but I find myself asking the very same questions.  Why me?  Why her?  Why do people who are terrible parents get their babies?  It's been over two months since we lost her and I am still sometimes in complete disbelief that this happened and this is our reality.

 As for trying again someday, there is absolutely nothing wrong with waiting until you feel more ready.  It's completely up to you guys.  I was high risk too, so I am very scared of another loss...we are trying again now.  It's definitely scary to think about, but I think when your desire for another baby outweighs your fear, you'll be in a much better place, though the fear will never 100% go away.

Did you like you doctor(s)?  If you are even a little unsure of them, I would look for new ones when and if you're ready to try again.  Being high risk, you need to have the absolute best care, someone who will be sensitive to your fears and needs, and will make sure to help you out in any way they can.  Big hugs to you hon.

BrittianyM

Thanks ladies for the kind words. Again, I am very sorry that any of us are here on this board.

 

I think I may have made it sound like we are trying again right now. That is not the case. We both need some time before that happens. Part of me does kind of want to be pregnant again right now but I know for us it is not right at this point. I am just hurting so bad and feel the need to give all this love I have for Brooke. For us it has only been a month since we lost her.

 

I haven't really been talking to my BFF since. She keeps reaching out to me to let me know how bad she is also hurting and how she hates herself for this. She wants to be here for me. She has two little boys so it wasn't like I handed Brooke off to someone that is not experienced. That's another reason I don't understand how this happened.

 

I loved my OB/GYN. She was also a MFM so she dealt with high risk. She was amazing and I am not sure she knows what has happened. Only Brooke's Pedi knows. I will use her again for sure.

Heatherhah

Sorry I didn't think you were ready I was just saying that you can tell when you are truly ready. I'm sorry if I came off meaning you should get pregnant that isn't what I meant at all. I understand all that you are feeling and i am so very sorry this all sucks.

Heather

BrittianyM

Oh Heather, no worries. I didn't think either of you were saying that. I just happened to read back at what I wrote and it came across to me that way.

 

Heatherhah:

Sorry I didn't think you were ready I was just saying that you can tell when you are truly ready. I'm sorry if I came off meaning you should get pregnant that isn't what I meant at all. I understand all that you are feeling and i am so very sorry this all sucks.

Heather

shandorfml2

Unfortunately, anger is a part of the process. Your situation complicates things and I cannot even imagine. I am so sorry for your loss of Brooke. I still have anger come up every now and then...even towards my baby. "Why did you leave me?" type of feelings. I wish you peace....I am so sorry.

shandorfml2

angelsnight:

I am so sorry you're hurting so bad.  My baby was stillborn at 22 weeks but I find myself asking the very same questions.  Why me?  Why her?  Why do people who are terrible parents get their babies?  It's been over two months since we lost her and I am still sometimes in complete disbelief that this happened and this is our reality.

I had a moment of this recently. I cannot believe this is my life...this is where I am...seriously, my mind has been completely blown and I feel like a different person than I was. 

bunnybun4

what you are feeling is totally normal...plus your loss is still SOOOOOO fresh.  I remember thinking a month after my loss "how long it had been" and in fact it was still so recent to losing my daughter. 

i still can't believe we lost our baby the way we did either...I get very angry at other people having flawless pregnancies and I just don't get why this happened to US....however I have come to be very thankful for the 19 weeks I did have my daughter inside of me. 

as PP's have mentioned when your desire to have a baby outweighs your fear then you are ready...I got KU 4 months after we lost Bunny and then had a MMC at 8 weeks...I was even angrier than before.  Through the past few weeks I have realized that I was soooo obessessed with getting pregnant again because I wanted the pain to be over and it was all still here.  Grief is a journey and the only way out is to slowly go through it.  I have my days where I fear that I will never have a healthy pregnancy but I also have hope and peace from God that we will get our rainbow. 

I am so sorry that you are going through this...I can't imagine the pain you are going through.  So many ((HUGS))

weddedwife

I'm so, so sorry for your loss. You might as well forget asking "why" because there is no why. I used to think everything happens for a reason but now I know that the world is a random place where awful things sometimes happen. And what you're going through now is one of the most awful things someone can endure. You didn't do anything to deserve this. None of us deserves this!

As far as your friend goes, I don't know how I could carry that friendship forward. At least not now. That would take an insane amount of forgiveness, whether it was her fault or not. I'm not saying it's not possible, but I'm not sure I could do it. At the very least, it's unrealistic to expect that for quite some time. I'm sure she is hurting too but I don't think it's your responsibility to console her right now. It's hard enough to even function when your loss is so new.

Huge hugs