Can I ask for advice? **sig warning**

Petunia844

I don't know what to do ladies I'm kind of freaking out.  I'll try to keep this as short as possible, but it will get long.  One of my best friend's dads died the same day my son died.  She was also pregnant when I was, her daughter was born about 1 1/2 months before, perfectly healthy.  After they both died she kept wanting to hang out, she didn't understand seeing her daughter was just too hard for me.  Fast forward to now, creeping on two years later.... things are still awkward.  She is super involved in my life though whether I like it or not, her husband is one my husbands best friends, she's extremely close with my family and friends, she's not going anywhere.  So to kill the awkwardness I sucked it up and sent her an email.  I said I knew things hadn't been the same, I knew I wasn't there for her like I normally would have been when she lost her dad and I hope she understood I just couldn't be.  Said I still loved as much as I ever did and was still here for her as much as I ever was.  Just explained why I was distant for awhile.  I don't want to incorrectly paraphrase what she wrote back so I'm going to paste some here.  

"I guess this is a good place to say - I totally support your efforts (as with all of your efforts supporting Peyton) with Back to Zero but it is very difficult for me (being pregnant) to get too close to the idea of fetal problems, still birth, etc and I won't be able to see the movie. I hope that doesn't sound harsh - I do not mean it to be by at all. Its just (again) the situation. Peyton's story is very real and very scary, especially with this new baby coming along. Please understand. "

She follows this with saying she'd love to hang out sometime and could we make plans.  WTF.  I cried, I talked to my husband.... I don't know what to do.  She just took EVERYTHING I've done since my son died, trying to spread understanding, trying to break the silence and effing smacked it back in my face.  Like I said, she's not going anywhere... I don't. know. what. to. do. I never expected to hear something like that from a "best" friend.  

Petunia844

Even reading back what i just posted all I can think is "Did YOU just tell ME my story is VERY real and Very scary?" Are effing kidding me??? It's MY LIFE.

cawettig

Ugh! I feel ya there. I understand her point that she doesn't want to see it, but if she was a friend who wanted to understand what you are going through then she would understand why you want her to see the movie.
I know what you mean by loosing friends, I have lost mine and I am so scared to loose one of my great friends because we were pregnant together and she is about her have her baby next month. Whenever I see her I think about how our babies were going to grow up together and it kills me. I try my hardest to be around her but it still hurts so bad.
I do think that the way she turned the movie down was not very considerate of your feelings. I'm sorry that she doesn't understand and hurt you by her words.
I would give the advice to tell her how her wording that hurt you even though she didn't mean too.

cawettig

rsigler:

Ticker warning...







I don't blame you one bit for being upset by her response. I think if I were you, I'd just keep her at a distance. Obviously, your lives are very intertwined, so there's really no way to cut her out completely. You can be cordial with each other and want the best for each other without being close friends. It's hard, but I've realized that after a devastating loss, there just is no going back when it comes to certain relationships. And you've made it this far without her support, so you probably have a network of other close friends who've been able to be there for you more in the way you've needed. I think it's ok to respond and tell her that your feelings are hurt by her telling you that your life is basically her worst nightmare. When I think about how my own thought process prior to losing DD, I can understand how your story [and mine, and every woman's on this board] could be very scary, especially when it hits so close to home. However I think it's sh1tty of her to share that with you. Because for you, that scary story with a sad ending is your life. That's been your reality for almost two years. I'd also probably toss in a "friendly" reminder that seeing a movie about stillbirth is not going to cause her to have one, but then again I'm kind of a passive aggressive b1tch.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It sucks to see relationships evolve in negative ways after losing a baby, but I think it's also refreshing to do some emotional housecleaning and letting go of what's not working for you anymore. It can be very liberating, although sad as well. GL, and [[hugs]].

I totally agree with your advice.

PerkyErky

I am so sorry. It's not contagious! And yeah, it is very real and very scary and very heartbreaking and not something we can choose to "not get close to"...we don't have that luxury. I don't really have any advice for you. BIG HUGE (((((HUGS)))))

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***SIGGY***

 

First {{HUGS}}.  That had to be an awful thing for you to have to see.  I'll be honest, reading it, even though I wasn't the recipient, I was slightly offended by her response.   I agree with PPs saying you can be cordial without getting overly involved. 

 

I hate that all of us have lost friendships or had dynamics of long-standing friendships change because of the horrible things that have happened in our lives. For some reason I was thinking about this the other day. I'm getting to the point where if people want to write me and/or DH off then fine, I guess we were never really friends. Instead, I look to the amazing friendships I've made with fellow loss parents as well as the true friends I've had all along who have been by our sides since moment 1, are there now and can tell you will always be.

tuscanbride2007

rsigler:

Ticker warning... I don't blame you one bit for being upset by her response. I think if I were you, I'd just keep her at a distance. Obviously, your lives are very intertwined, so there's really no way to cut her out completely. You can be cordial with each other and want the best for each other without being close friends. It's hard, but I've realized that after a devastating loss, there just is no going back when it comes to certain relationships. And you've made it this far without her support, so you probably have a network of other close friends who've been able to be there for you more in the way you've needed. I think it's ok to respond and tell her that your feelings are hurt by her telling you that your life is basically her worst nightmare. When I think about how my own thought process prior to losing DD, I can understand how your story [and mine, and every woman's on this board] could be very scary, especially when it hits so close to home. However I think it's sh1tty of her to share that with you. Because for you, that scary story with a sad ending is your life. That's been your reality for almost two years. I'd also probably toss in a "friendly" reminder that seeing a movie about stillbirth is not going to cause her to have one, but then again I'm kind of a passive aggressive b1tch. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. It sucks to see relationships evolve in negative ways after losing a baby, but I think it's also refreshing to do some emotional housecleaning and letting go of what's not working for you anymore. It can be very liberating, although sad as well. GL, and [[hugs]].

Great advice, rsigler. I am so sorry, Petunia, that you are dealing with this person. I was offended by what she said too. It is very close minded to think that life is just puppies and rainbows and that scary and sad things don't happen. 

((HUGS))

princezjk

1st that really sucks that someone who is so close can be so completely oblivious. I had an acquaintance say something similar, so not nearly as painful but it still makes you go hmmm. If you acknowledge that this a REAL and SCARY problem why wouldn't you want highlight this issue ESPECIALLY if you are expecting? Highlighting this issue is not only to help people grieving with this issue but to hopefully make efforts to prevent this from happening in the future where possible. Also, lets not forget, she and others who are pregnant who say they can't see this movie because its "too upsetting" while they are expecting are neglecting to acknowledge that what they will feel for a few days at best as a result of seeing this movie is only a tenth of the emotion a woman who was previously experienced a loss will feel everyday of a subsequent pregnancy. So, yes I am sorry it is upsetting, but it is only a glimpse into a reality that some of live.

Good luck and I hope your friend can come around and if not I hope you can maintain a distance that isn't awkward for you. Hugs

DesiraeSunshine

I don't post often, but id like to add something. Im sorry you felt hurt by her reaction but honestly this loss happened to me and I am not going to see the movie. I don't think I can handle it and I don't know if I want to risk opening the wounds again. Over 2 years and I still struggle.

Petunia844

DesiraeSunshine:

I don't post often, but id like to add something. Im sorry you felt hurt by her reaction but honestly this loss happened to me and I am not going to see the movie. I don't think I can handle it and I don't know if I want to risk opening the wounds again. Over 2 years and I still struggle.

Honestly, it's not about the movie. I would NEVER specifically ask a pregnant friend to see it, ever.  While I don't think hiding her head in the sand will help anything, I totally get that.  What I'm so incredibly heart broken about is that I wrote an email extending an olive branch to a friend.  I thought we'd drifted apart because of terrible circumstances making it hard for us to be there for each other.  Her response to this was to tell me that should couldn't be close to loss and stillbirth and my son's story is too scary and too "real" for her to deal with.  I didn't bring up the movie, I don't why she did. 

Bayberry12

Petunia844:

Honestly, it's not about the movie. I would NEVER specifically ask a pregnant friend to see it, ever.  While I don't think hiding her head in the sand will help anything, I totally get that.  What I'm so incredibly heart broken about is that I wrote an email extending an olive branch to a friend.  I thought we'd drifted apart because of terrible circumstances making it hard for us to be there for each other.  Her response to this was to tell me that should couldn't be close to loss and stillbirth and my son's story is too scary and too "real" for her to deal with.  I didn't bring up the movie, I don't why she did. 

I am so sorry you have to deal with someone like this.  Shortly after my loss, one of my "good" friends told me she didn't even like to *think* about me or my husband, because it made her so sad.  That has really stuck with me.    

I kind of look at two ways; on one hand these outsiders are trying to protect themselves from pain or sadness by not wanting anything to do with it.  Looking away, if you will.  But, on the other hand, they are making our heartbreaking losses about them.  That is something that infuriates me.  If it's too sad or too real for them, how do they think we feel?

I would agree with the other posters; this woman is going to be a part of your life, but that doesn't mean you have to be close friends.  It's sad that relationships change and even end after losses like ours.  I think you did a wonderful thing by reaching out to her, you did your part, but now you know what she really thinks.

 

lrichmond86

Ugh. So sorry you're dealing with this. Since losing baby Gary I've really found that unless you've lost as child you just don't understand what it's like. I have had well intentioned friends who try to be supportive and just always seem to do or say the wrong thing anyway. If I were you I would keep your distance for a little while, just while you mend the hurt her comments caused. Then when I was ready I would ask her to have a very honest conversation with you about what it's been like to lose a child, why it's so important to you to spread awareness and what kind of things people do that help and what they do that hurts. It sounds like she is trying to be a good friend, but just doesn't know how to maintain the relationship appropriately since you lost Peyton. Maybe wait until after she has her baby, so it's not so sensitive? Then again I'mthe kind of person who wears my heart in my sleeve and can't stand to let things fester. I know that doesn't work for everyone. Best of luck with this. It's definitely a tricky one to handle!

Petunia844

Thank you everyone... I decided to write her back and keep it brief, I said that I'd love to have a long conversation about it after her baby is born, but that for now she needs to understand he's my son and I won't tell anyone I won't talk about him...it was longer and more gentle than that.  Well anyways, she wrote back that oh my goodness what a huge misunderstanding, all she wanted to say was that she wouldn't see RTZ...she didn't mean anymore more by it.  I can't say I suddenly don't mind the whole "very real and very scary" part.... it still bothers me that she would say that to me... but it's definitely a whole different story. If that's all she wanted to say she just didn't say it right.

I guess it's just another situation where people just don't know how to say what they mean.   

jess123456

Petunia844:

Thank you everyone... I decided to write her back and keep it brief, I said that I'd love to have a long conversation about it after her baby is born, but that for now she needs to understand he's my son and I won't tell anyone I won't talk about him...it was longer and more gentle than that.  Well anyways, she wrote back that oh my goodness what a huge misunderstanding, all she wanted to say was that she wouldn't see RTZ...she didn't mean anymore more by it.  I can't say I suddenly don't mind the whole "very real and very scary" part.... it still bothers me that she would say that to me... but it's definitely a whole different story. If that's all she wanted to say she just didn't say it right.

I guess it's just another situation where people just don't know how to say what they mean.   

 

So proud of you for writing her back. I think you are right in that it is another example of people not knowing how to say what they mean or really not truly understanding what they mean because they can't relate.  Lucky for her that she can't relate but empathy can't be taught unfortunately. So sorry that on top of everything you had to deal with some really difficult comments and the distance of a friend.