This is actually happening then...
Sovello
member
I posted a month or so ago, mainly a post of shock and horror when I found out I was pregnant. I will be completely honest, I was hoping for something terrible like a blighted ovum or some mysterious fake-pregnancy cyst... I just had my scan today and it shows I am 8w5d, looked good, had arms and leg buds, and a 162 heartrate. Due date is January 15th and that makes the gap between them 18 months.
I feel like a monster. With DD we tried for a year to have her, she was all I wanted for so long and when I became pregnant it was the most amazing feeling it the world, I was just a cloud of joy floating around for the whole time.
But this, this is like the complete opposite, all I feel is sad and apprehensive and worried and depressed. I had PPD after DD for months, and to be honest it had just ended a month or so before I discovered this pregnancy. The thought of going through the post-partum depression again is just sheer horror to me. I just can't see the light.
Is 2u2 a good thing? is it something people actually try and aim for? Am I just a terrible mother if this isn't what I wanted? I love DD but since she was born it's confirmed what I've known my whole life- I'm not a maternal person. I kiss and hug her and everything but I don't particularly like babies in general, if that makes sense... I only like mine! lol. And somehow this new one doesn't feel like mine, it feels like an intruder almost. I know that is a horrible way of thinking, but I just can't help it. I guess that makes me a terrible person, but it doesn't change how I feel.
I worry now that somehow my dislike will be transferred and it will come out all sad and angry.... lol, such a silly way of thinking. It's just so hard to see any positives about this situation. DD was just getting to the point where she has some independence and I was loving being able to get back to my work, and leave her with people so me and DH could, you know, have a life. And now it's all back to square one.
I think of how sad I was when I was TTC and it didn't happen for so long. All those wonderful women who are TTC or infertile who want a pregnancy so badly, and here I am sulking over the same thing. It makes me feel like trash. If I could just transfer this to some woman who wanted it I would.
I guess, maybe, I just want to know that there is some benefit here, some sort of hope or reason why having two so close is a good thing. Otherwise I guess this is just me venting... I couldn't find an "unplanned" or "oops" or "oh sh*t" board. heh.
Eleanor Gwendolyn
Re: This is actually happening then...
I planned 2u2 and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't love that we made this decision. It's hard, especially that 1st year but the benefits outweigh everything. The way you are feeling is normal IMO, especially when it comes as a surprise. I say it's helpful to have 9 months to prepare for babies, because it sometimes can take 9 whole months to get used to the idea. You aren't a monster or a horrible parent for feeling the way you do. This poem helped me a lot when I got pregnant with #2. I found it to be 100% true. And now my kiddos are almost 2 and almost 3, and I LOVE it. They are the best of friends and it's just awesome seeing them together.
"Loving TwoAs I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: How could I ever love another child as I love you?
Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain
You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby
But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I'm afraid to let you see me enjoying her -- as though I am betraying you.
But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.
More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast. But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two.
There are new times -- only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other. I watch how she adores you -- as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of her new accomplishments.
And I begin to realize that I haven't taken something from you, I've given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you. I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong.
And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you -- only differently.
And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you'll never share my love. There's enough of that for both of you -- you each have your own supply.
I love you -- both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.
~Author Unknown~ "
With all that said, you are so not a terrible person for not being excited right now and freaked out. My sister went through 3 miscarriages before finding out she was pregnant with her first. Then she got pregnant again when he was 5 months old. She had a very hard time and it took her a while to come to grips with it. Now her second is almost a year and she can't imagine life any differently.
Basically, you will survive! Some days it will be because that's your only option but nothing so wonderful comes without the hardship.
Three years ago I could have written your post. Mine are about 11 months apart. I was still getting over PPD when we got a big surprise. We had tried for a year with my first, etc. I couldn't even talk about the new baby for several months. I went back to my shrink to talk it out. When my second son arrived, it went much smoother than I thought. The first couple months were rough because of the sleep deprivation, but my older son was still napping then and he wasn't yet walking.
Your feelings are pretty normal from my experience meeting other moms in similar situations. You have many months to get used to the idea. Talk to a professional if you feel you need to. Dont turn away any offers of help. And I did not have PPD with my second so there is hope you won't deal with it again. You can do this!
Sorry for the rant but you when you say things like that in a public board Wishing for something that has caused so many couples pain, you will hear things that are not very nice.
If I wish you fell off a cliff does that make me a terrible person? Seriously though, why don't you get over yourself.
I can understand why my comment pisses you off sorry, just my opinion after going through two miscarriages before getting pregnant with my first
I can't even imagine the heartbreak that comes along with miscarriages and I am so sorry for your previous losses, but I have seen my sister suffer through them. I also saw her completely freak out when she got pregnant when her son was 4 months old. And I can say, sometimes you can take precautions and babies still happen. I know I got pregnant on the pill [my first was unplanned].
All that said, people can freak out. Having a baby is a HUGE deal and when you go through so much [like depression] and then have something so major and so unplanned happen that can really mess with ones mind. OP is actually doing the healthy thing and admitting her feelings and I'm sure in time, will come to grips with her new reality and thoughts of miscarriage will long be in the past.
My point is, I understand you took this post personally but your comments were extremely unnecessary and just hurtful to the OP.
It took DH I 3 years, 4 IVF cycles and the use of DE to conceive DD. when she was 6 months old I found out surprise! that I was pregnant with DS who is now 10 weeks. I completely understand what your saying. I sobbed for days. Not only was I not ready for another baby, I felt like I was robbing DD of her "babyhood" w/just DH me, I NEVER wanted to have a genetic child of my own since using DE for DD. We have plenty of frozen embryos and I felt like that was one gift that I could give DD, a person with whom she had 100 genetic link DH is set on having only 2 children. I literally couldn't talk about the new baby for weeks.
Now, I wouldn't change a thing relative to the timing/age difference. I LOVE it. DD was/is young enough that there was NO jealousy, only an insane amount of loves and kisses! He is starting to smile and laugh at her. She still takes naps, and goes to bed early, leaving DH and I to have time alone. I'm so grateful that they are so close in age 16 months apart. I just want you to know that it will be okay and in my opinion, your feelings are normal. Give yourself time and definitely talk with someone if you feel you need to, or if you're not feeling better in a few weeks.
This sounds like it could be a continuation of PPD. You should definitely talk to a professional about your feelings, because you are not alone. It happens to many people.
Also, you want to give it a little more time before you start worrying about attachment. I feel completely different toward the baby this time than with my first. It just took time for me to open up. It was mainly the nerves of trying to plan everything for the new arrival. As soon as I found out the gender and felt him move, I was in love all over again! PS I also strongly dislike the majority of other people's children but I LOVE my own.
Although I am not completely thrilled about having 2u2, there are many advantages. I have an 8 year old SD who I have helped raise since she was 9 months old. The gap in age between her and my 20 month old is ridiculous. It's great that she is able to help out and everything, but it's crazy that I have to start all over again!
We have decided to have LO1 and LO2 right in a row and although I am nervous, I am glad that I won't have to do it all over again in 8 years. You won't have to buy many new things for the baby. They will be going to the same school for a while so transportation will be easier. They will most likely be really close friends. It is wonderful to have a child of similar age to play with to keep them happy and occupied! SD used to be so lonely that she didn't have someone her age to play with.
Good luck and I hope this helps!
You're not a horrible person! All my kids were planned and EVERY time I got a positive test my first thought was "Oh no! What have I done?!"
2u2 has its overwhelming moments, when both kids are crying, when both are teething, when both are poopy (lol). And it has its beautiful moments, like today when I was stepping over the baby gate carrying my 7mo old and my 20mo DD was standing in front of me holding out her arms and saying "My baby, give"
Now I'm on my way to 3u3, and its scary but I cant wait! You can do it!
I'm not hungry, I'm HUUUNNNNNGGGRRRRRYYYY! NOW!
Dec 2014 Dec Siggy, Free For All
Big E- 2008
Miss M- 2011
Baby Z- 2012
Baby Smoosh, Due Dec 2014
Thankyou all so much for your support! I read all of your posts and they were really helpful to me. I loved the poem, I'm a bit emotional right nowso pretty much every moving comment, and the cute things y'all say your 2u2 do are making me cry.
I think just reading these has helped me tremendously. The only two people I've told are my mother and husband, no one else knows because I just refuse to talk about it. I wont even talk about it to my mother or husband. Like a few of you mentioned about not being able to talk about the baby, that's how I am. The first thing I said when I got the positive test was say "Let's just pretend this never happened." I was in complete denial. I think maybe I've actually gone through the five stages of grief or something. I like to think I am starting to accept that this is reality now.
I think more than anything, it helps to hear that these feelings are perhaps normal, or at least that others have felt them before.
I have been thinking about going and talking to someone about my feelings. It seemed to go from the high of getting over the PPD (FINALLY feeling like myself again, like stepping out of a fog) straight back into some awful terrible low that I have been trying over these weeks to claw myself out of. I could believe it's pregnancy depression. I was so happy with DD that if there was depression or low feelings during that pregnancy, I don't remember them existing.
Icoelho,
Like I said in my original post I do feel guilty about those feelings because I know people who are TTC. That being said I experienced two M/Cs before DD so I am familiar with that sinking, terrible pain. But those were wanted pregnancies and I don't know how to communicate to you the difference. Yes, I know a blighted ovum means M/C. Here's a little secret too- I also considered abortion those first few weeks. I don't even agree with it, I hate the very concept of it but I found myself researching RU-486. Obviously I didn't go through with it because even though I felt so negatively about this, this is still a living being that we created (we were using protection, and HTS once around the time it could have happened, so I am not beating myself up about "my" mistake.) But there is a difference, to me, between my ending it and nature's ending it, at least there is in my mind.
The way I was feeling, it was like thinking about it ending gave me hope. I was in a horrible dark place with absolutely no light at the end of the tunnel, and the thought of it being over was the only thing in the world that could put light there.
It's funny, I think the thing that actually convinced me to not pursue the early abortion pill was listening to Let It Be by The Beatles. I'm sure if anyone else has heard that song, they can understand that.
I am improving. I have gone from actively praying for it to end to not doing that. When I saw the scan yesterday I think that was transformative in a way, and all I said to DH was "this is real then" because before I saw the scan, I could have fantasies that, like I said, it would be blighted or even ectopic or something. Now I know it's there, and looks good, and the chances now are that there will be a baby.
I think my biggest fear has gone from having the baby, to losing the baby really late, after I've become attached, and the horrible guilt I would feel for the fact that I ever had these feelings.
But it's just part of the nature of the world that the exact things some people pray and wish for are the complete opposite to what other people pray and wish for.
Man, need to go sort myself out I have been bawling here, heh.Some people kill themselves when a spouse dies, other people murder their spouses. (and some people go back and forth between considering the two.) We're all different.
Eleanor Gwendolyn
I am so glad you made this post. I was also looking for the "Oops" board lol. My two will be 16 months apart. (My due date is Jan.14) The feelings I felt during pregnancy number one and this pregnancy are complete opposites. I loved the poem, I too cried, but I just feel so guilty for not giving my DD enough time just me and her.
Eleanor Gwendolyn
The thing they helped me was realizing whether mine were 17 months apart or 3 years apart, he wouldn't remember that one on one time between the two of us. And you will be amazed at how much there is of you to go around! Even with a newborn, there's plenty I can find to do with DS1.
This is my story, almost exactly. I am so relieved that I am not the only one feeling this way. I was going to tell my dad and stepmom about the new baby tonight and I just couldn't do it, I still can't face the reality that this baby is happening. My husband has told people despite me begging him not to say anything and it is killing me on the inside. He is so excited and I am completely miserable, and I feel so alone because he just thinks I am being "hormonal" and doesn't understand how deeply depressed this is making me.
My 12 week scan is this week. Honestly, I'm still hoping for a genetic abnormality, something that would justify termination, or some birth defect. The only reason I didn't get an abortion was because my husband was so excited about the baby. And now I'm angry and bitter to be carrying a child I don't want. And there is a tiny part of me that knows that one day I will probably love this kid, and that part of me is devastated because I don't want to acknowledge that I ever felt this way about my own child.
And I agree with the others, we need an Oops board here. Seriously.
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. That doesn't give you the right to be a judgmental a-hole about it, which is exactly what you did. Your fertility struggle is YOUR struggle. Don't project your own emotions on to other people and then judge them for it.
Going through the shock of an unwanted pregnancy is terrifying, depressing, and a completely unique experience that someone who has struggled with fertility will probably never understand. So keep your judgmental comments to yourself.