Two months today

cawettig

Today marks two months since we lost Arianna. I can not believe that it has been two months since we lost her. Things are slowly getting back to how they were before my pregnancy; but they will never be the same. I am back at work working overtime, spending time with my DS and my older DD, trying to get off of my "spot" on the couch and go do things with DH. 

Some things will never be the same, I feel like I have lost a couple of my close friends. They are annoyed with me not wanting to go out with them anymore. They have no idea how I feel, they were complaining the other day how we don't hang out anymore. To them hanging out is going out drinking or going to the beach. I hate the beach right now, there are families there all the time with little girls all over. I am so upset with them.

My chest still burns when I hear a baby cry, I can barely look at a pregnant women or baby. I am so resentful right now of people who are pregnant...why do they get a wonderful pregnancy and not me? 

People at work have said to me oh wow you look great.... which kills me. Because you know they mean "oh wow you look great for just having a baby". I look in the mirror and see that I am slowly going back, it hurts because there is no more Arianna with me anymore. It hurts when people say that because I think of how many weeks it has been and how old she would be right now.

I looked at all of her things still in the dresser and hanging in the closet. I can not even think of packing them away yet. I want to dress her up in them so bad. I had a french maid little outfit from DH mom at the baby shower. We all laughed and said how adorable it would be to take pictures in the with her little hair band in her hair and a pair of adorable little booties for her feet. I thought of all the different poses we could do with her and how fun it would be to dress my little monkey up.

I can not stop thinking about how it would feel to just hold her warm body in my arms, to go on walks with her in the stroller, to rock her at night when she cries, to see her first steps, to try out different baby foods, to deal with the teething stages, to wipe her tears when she gets a boo-boo, to see her reach for daddy to play, to see them bond and have him call her his little girl, to joke about how he would feel when his little girl would have boys calling her. 

All of these things keep going through my head, they haven't slowed down since we lost her; I am just slowly being able to think of them and not break down and cry all the time. The pain will never go away, I just hope that each day I can learn how to cope and learn to be happy again because I know that is what she would want. 

Today we are going to a spring with the kids, tonight I am thinking of ordering hot wings since that is what I craved the most when I was pregnant. We bought a candle at last months marker and a beautiful lantern to keep it in for her. We will light it again tonight for her. I just hope I can make it through the day.  

Heatherhah

I am so sorry you are feeling so down. I do know how you feel. I felt the same exact way for the first probably 4 months after losing Sydney.I think the further away that you get from the loss the sting dulls not to say it ever goes away. It has been 21 months for us this month and I still think of all of the firsts that we missed and how her not being here has impacted our family. The hurt is still there after this long but it isn't always at teh front of my brain like it was early on. I promise life gets a little easier the further out you get. It still hurts but a ton but I am able to talk about her and not cry which was super tough at first. I just cried all the time. 

People just have no clue what they are saying . If your friends are not understanding of your situation then they aren't good friends. True friends would understand but you know that alreay. I wish I could give you a hyge hug so I will send on virtually!!

Thinking of you!!

Heather

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY WARNING***

 

With every milestone that goes by, I find it hard to believe that I'm still functioning after so much time. Next week makes ten months since Devon was born sleeping, and I wasn't even sure how in the world I would make it past that first month without just completely losing my mind. I'll be thinking about you and sweet Arianna today; wishing you lots of peace and love. *hugs*

Noethola

Milestones suck. What we thought were going to be happy anniversaries, now bring reminders that we do not have out little ones. (As if we need reminders.)

I hope that today you can also focus on some of your happy memories of her: the way she grew and moved inside you. Those are the things I always have to think about when I reach milestones.

Big hugs to you today! 

JessicaG220

I am so sorry you're having such a hard time.  I feel the exact same way.  The 17th will be 2 months since we lost Ava and not an hour goes by that I don't think of her.  I think of all of the things that other mothers get to do with their babies that I'll never do with her, and it kills me.  I miss her so much sometimes that it seems unbearable.  I always tell my husband that it's so strange that the world keeps on moving and people keep living their lives, but I feel like I'm stuck in April at 30 weeks pregnant.  I refused to change my work calendar from April when I returned in May, and I almost lost it when one of my co-workers changed it for me.  It felt impossible that it was a new month, because I no longer had my baby girl.  I couldn't leave April without her.  It felt like if refused to believe that time was moving, I could have her back and things would be the same as they were. 

 As much as it hurts, I am trying to think about my future and how deeply I long for a family.  I soooooooo badly want a baby to snuggle with.  I want to smell that baby smell and hold my baby's tiny fingers.  Ava can never be replaced.  But I am anxious for the day when I can tell her little brother or sister all about her.

 Hugs to you!!!!!!

shandorfml2

I understand what all of you are saying. It hurts so, so bad. I had a break down tonight, first in a few weeks. Its been 14 weeks. I am doing the same...thinking about what we'd be doing. All her clothes are still in her closet. Just hurts so bad. Coming up to when we got pregnant with her last year. That will be hard. I was hoping to be pregnant again by then, to help dull the pain and focus on the future but that most likely will not happen.

It's just so damn hard.