2nd child not 100% wanted by SO or you...?

Abinormal

Did any of y'all have a second child that wasn't 100% wanted by your SO or yourself? For example, your SO wasn't completely opposed to having another, but also wasn't 100% on board with the idea... If so, how did they feel once the child was born and during the pregnancy? Also, how'd you come to the conclusion of having another...? 

nanabanana06

Mine wasn't super sure when we were TTC. We had gotten pregnant my surprise and miscarried. After that I knew I wanted a baby, told DH, and he didn't say no. He was getting a little cold feet the cycle we conceived Cade on. Now he's completely in love and loves having Cade! I think it's normal to not be 100% for guys.

flyingsaucer

When I met DH, he had a son (my now 11 year old step son).  When we got married, I got pregnant right away, as we had hoped (I went off BC before the wedding so that we could start TTC right away).  I think after our DS was born, my husband felt complete.  I really wanted one more, and he was willing to go along with it EVENTUALLY, but would have been happy to stop.  When DS was about 1, I already was ready to plan #2 (#3 counting SS).  I had baby fever again, in a bad way.  I wanted my kids to be close in age, I was in my 30's already and didn't want to wait too long, plus, I didn't want to wait until we were out of the "baby stage" and then start all over again.

For a while, it was a source of contention.  I was really wanting a baby but DH was really not ready. I of course could not force it, because I wanted him to be on board and didnt want him to ever feel resentful.  One of his worries about having another child was finances, so we worked hard to get on a budget and start saving some money.  By the time DS was 2, DH said that he was ready (with my continued coaxing and convincing, gently, all along).  We went on vacation right after DS' 2nd birthday and I got pregnant right away.  DH became really excited about having another baby.  We ended up not finding out the sex, and having a baby girl (DH has only boys in his family: he is one of 3 boys a d had two sons before DD) which was a wonderful surprise.  DH has been head over heels with DD and is a wonderfully involved dad with all of the kids.  Now I am ready for him to get snipped :-).

It was important to me that DH be on board with having another baby and that we agreed together to TTC again, but I did not mind at all that he was not 100% in baby fever as I was.  Generally, we don't roll like that any way.  Usually one of us is more gung ho about big decisions and I think it keeps us balanced.

good luck! 

nanabanana06

ItsAllGravy7:

I would also like to add that I believe there is a big, huge difference between an unplanned pregnancy on BOTH sides and an unplanned pregnancy on ONE side. things happen but you shouldn't be deceitful about it. if your SO doesnt want another child right now you should respect that. its always open for discussion but you shouldnt move ahead with TTC without his support.

I agree. I have seen what it does to relationships, it sucks. 

Mine was planned and wanted. DH just had first time daddy jitters.

nanabanana06

Scout2005:

Stardust225:

I'm currently pregnant with a child we didn't want. I'll let you know how we feel when he is born. We weren't trying, and I took Plan B the same night when we thought the condom wasn't right. I still got pregnant and after talking to my husband, we both realized that our marriage isn't strong enough to go through an abortion, because we're on opposite sides on that debate. So we chose to go through with it. Idk yet if its the right choice, but we will see. The pregnancy has been very different, mostly because of our attitudes about it. We're not as excited as we were for DD. DH doesn't touch and feel for kicks like he did with her. I didn't get excited about feeling kicks like I did with her. I have u/s pictures from my anatomy scan on a disk that I haven't even looked at. We're trying to get it up to prepare for him arriving, but there's a lot of dread.

I'm saying this with absolutely no censure or snark. Is adoption something you are considering?

I agree. It sounds as if this pregnancy could break you guys as well. There is no shame in it.

nanabanana06

Stardust225:

No, adoption isn't on the table, for a variety of reasons. We're just going through a lot in life right now. It'll get better.

We're just looking out for ya. I know what it's like to be in a relationship where they aren't 100% in, or at least excited. It sucks and isn't fun. I broke my last relationship. I wouldn't of changed anything, I just would hate to see it happen. Good luck.

FrickandFrack

Stardust225:

No, adoption isn't on the table, for a variety of reasons. We're just going through a lot in life right now. It'll get better.

Would you consider counseling to get all your feelings out?

LoveActually4

Yes, kind of.

MH is a people pleaser. After we had DS1 he felt complete. He has 2 kids, 12 and 16, from his first marriage. I told him before we got married I wanted another 2 and it was kind of a deal breaker for me so he went along with having another but I know he would have been 100 percent on board of I had wanted to stop.

When we got pg with DS2, he was not as excited as I had hoped. He has overall been less enthusiastic but he is still a great dad to all 4 of our kids.

To this day, deep down I feel he did not want a 4th but he didn't want to say no to me and I was too focused/in denial to realize.

Abinormal

Dude, y'all jump to a lot of conclusions, don't y'all?

LoveActually4

Abinormal:

Dude, y'all jump to a lot of conclusions, don't y'all?

Did I miss something?

kdjudd

Well my DH and I currently are pregnant with number two. (I'm 21 weeks pregnant) It was a complete surprise and we were not even considering trying at this time. When I got the test results back I cried and was depressed for quite some time. It has taken months to even be able to convince myself that I'm actually going to be a parent again. My daughter is only 12 months old and I am not sure how I am going to cope with two little kids in the house with me all day. However, as time passes I fall more in love with the little one growing inside of me. I can honestly say that I am excited to meet them. I love the kicks I feel now and the dreams of holding them in my arms. It just took a little positive thinking and changing of my perspective.