Extreme mommy guilt

proudworkingmom82

DDs dad and I divorced when DD was 15 months old.  He was verbally abusive and he was messing around on me.  I asked for therapy but he wouldn't go so I had no choice but to file for divorce.  I was devastated.  Between my divorce and some other things going on in my life I had an emotional breakdown.  I was hospitalized 3 times in a 6 month period.  The 2 year anniversary of my last hospitalization just passed.  After that hospitalization my life started getting better.  However looking back is very painful.  I missed out on about 6 months to a year of DD's life because I was too numb and depressed to really live my life.  She had to spend a lot of time with her Grandma because my doctors were concerned.  At one point she had a breakdown because I was in the hospital and she wanted her mommy.  I just feel so guilty.  I should have been there for her and she shouldn't have had to spend so much time with her Grandma. I think OMG what if she remembers this stuff later?  I try to tell myself she was only 2 and that what matters is that I am there for her now. And that I can't change the past, but I still feel this horrible feeling of guilt.  Do 2 year olds remember this kind of stuff later? Will she look back and remember my depression?   I certainly hope not.  I want her to remember the person that I am now.  Anyway I just needed to vent I guess.  Feels good to get it out.  

Suern9870

I understand it must be hard, but try to stop beating yourself up.  Really, we, as parents, can't always provide the idyllic childhoods we'd like to give our kids; and we can't, for a variety of reasons, always be there for them in all the ways we'd like.  

You had some health and personal issues you had to deal with.  Your daughter was still well taken care of, safe & loved, and provided for. Be grateful for that.  What would the alternative had been if you hadn't left your husband?  Where would you be today?  By going through all the difficulties you went through you've provided a better future for your daughter & you are probably a stronger person for it.  Focus on that. Stay strong, mama.  

proudworkingmom82

Spooko:

I'm not trying to be mean, btw. Just trying to ask the hard questions so you can come at this from the other side.

You are very right and sometimes I think I just need someone to remind me of things like the points you mentioned.   

proudworkingmom82

Suern9870:

I understand it must be hard, but try to stop beating yourself up.  Really, we, as parents, can't always provide the idyllic childhoods we'd like to give our kids; and we can't, for a variety of reasons, always be there for them in all the ways we'd like.  

You had some health and personal issues you had to deal with.  Your daughter was still well taken care of, safe & loved, and provided for. Be grateful for that.  What would the alternative had been if you hadn't left your husband?  Where would you be today?  By going through all the difficulties you went through you've provided a better future for your daughter & you are probably a stronger person for it.  Focus on that. Stay strong, mama.  

 

Thanks! 

suv75

You did the brave, unselfish things you needed to to give your daughter a better life, long term. You shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest. She's a lucky girl, remember that.

proudworkingmom82

suv75:

You did the brave, unselfish things you needed to to give your daughter a better life, long term. You shouldn't feel guilty in the slightest. She's a lucky girl, remember that.

Thanks!   

NotSharknado

Spooko said it best. You would have done a great disservice to your DD if you hadn't taken that time to get better. You should not feel guilty.

Runaway22

Even if she does remember (somehow), you ultimately set a good example for her, demonstrating the value in taking care of oneself. 

I agree with PPs, that not doing so would have been a disservice to your DD. She was in good hands and loved, even in your absence. She really is a lucky girl  

nanabanana06

I'm going to tell you a little story. It sounds somewhat similar to your situation. I think it will give you some real good insight.

My aunts first marriage wasn't that great. She had essentially irish twins (one was born in September, the other November of the following year). Her husband was physically abusive and beat her. She divorced him pretty fast. After the divorce she was a hot mess. Within a few years (I think like 2 or 3) she gave my Grandparents guardianship over the kids and left to get her act together. My cousins spent the time from when they were about 2ish till they were about 7. My aunt graduated with an MBA in that time, met someone, and bought a house. So she came and took her kids back.

Now they are 19 and 20 and barely remember those times. They are sweet well adjusted kids who are in the military. You have to do your best as a single pareent. Sure, some things are tough, but sometimes you need that time and later in life they won't matter. Don't beat yourself up over this.

proudworkingmom82

Runaway22:

Even if she does remember (somehow), you ultimately set a good example for her, demonstrating the value in taking care of oneself. 

I agree with PPs, that not doing so would have been a disservice to your DD. She was in good hands and loved, even in your absence. She really is a lucky girl  

Thank you!  And thanks to everyone for being so supportive! 

74dragonfly

I'm sorry for what you went though. I don't think a two year old remembers much.
You did a great thing getting your life back on track. Your DD will have her memories and love for you based on a whole lot more than six months she went remember. Keep giving on your future.

kmm2150

This is not as severe as your situation but I recently had some pretty serious health issues and my parents helped out a lot over a three month span. They took DD for weeks at a time and as I got better would come spend lots of time at our house helping out with everything. I had times of feeling really guilty and like a bad mom because I couldn't handle it myself, but it's what I needed so that I could get healthy again. If your LO remembers anything at all I'm sure it will be good memories of grandma, not any awareness of what you were going through at the time.

Also like others said, what you did is so much better than the alternative of NOT getting help.

thetheisens

What you did was the best thing for your family. You gave them their mother back by going in for treatment. I grew with a father who suffered from bipolar disorder and never seeked treatment, he tried self medicating with alcohol, which just made things worse. He eventually took his own life. I wish he had done what you did, even if it would have taken him out our lives temporarily for a couple years, we would still have him today. Never feel guilty about taking care of yourself, the reason things are good now is because you took those necessary steps.

PrimRoseMama

shanado:

Spooko said it best. You would have done a great disservice to your DD if you hadn't taken that time to get better. You should not feel guilty.

Agree. You did the best you could with what you had. Its very unfair of you to do this to yourself. You are healthy now and you did what you had to do to get better at the time. There is no shame in your past.  

SoDoMojo

The fact that you're so worried shows you love your child. She won't remember... as long as you continue to stand beside her as she ages she'll be okay! 

Keep yourself healthy. I know the feeling of "will I fluck up my kid?". Daily, I worry. I just keep telling myself that if I'm there to comfort him, I'm doing all I can.  

Kitiara5512

Spooko:

1. I doubt she would remember it anyways.

Besides that, though, what kind of mother would you be if you hadn't gotten better? Don't you think it's better to miss out on what amounts to a sliver of time versus her whole life? Do you think you'd be around to take proper care of her now? What kind of mother would you be then? How were you supposed to take care of her if you weren't able to take care of yourself? What would you tell someone else who is in the position you were in? Would you think that they should blame themselves or not take care of themselves or anything like that? Probably not, right? Then why should that apply to you? She was in good hands with her grandmother, correct? There's nothing wrong with that. It isn't like you left her to go out partying.  

Well, that starts you out with a dose of logic and reality in your responses. And a good way too, because this is really right on point.

GL, and there is nothing to blame you for. 

hopecounts

Getting healthy is the best thing you could do for your daughter.

unless grandma is not a safe/positive caretaker (which I'm sure she is) then I don't imagine she will be scarred by staying with her while you took care of your mental health.

You did the right thing for both of you so KoKO and cut yourself some slack. 

Soxgirl07

I'm 3 years older than my brother. After him, my mom apparently had bad PPD. I never knew until I was a tween and she told me about this 1 friend of hers who she always treasured (even though at that point their friendship was faltering a bit) because of how she had helped her through that time. She said she was just numb and friend would do things like walk through the grocery aisles, making sure my mom bought the things she needed and checking in on her daily to make sure she was handling things. I'm telling you this because I have no recollection of this at all! I was at least 3 and I never remember a numb, unresponsive mom. I remember the person she has been since that time. It makes me realize how strong my mom is to have been in that place and be strong enough to come out whole on the other side.