pressure to give stuff away

SunAndRain

I'm feeling pressure to give our baby stuff to SIL.  My mom made a comment, "I bet she'll be rummaging throug your clothes!" and it flipped my stomach.

SIL is due in December.  We are trying for #2, though I honestly don't know if I'll be able to get pregnant again.

I'd like to sell the stuff at a garage sale - we have nice stuff!

I did receive lots of handmedowns and gifts.  I assume she will too.  To some extend I would love to "pay it foward" and to give her some items, but not everything!

I wonder what is the norm in these cases?

jf198400

I would absolutely NOT give anything away until you are sure that you are not having another baby.  You are TTC so there is no reason for you to feel pressured.  I would buy her a nice shower present, but don't feel obligated to do anything more.  It is your stuff, you aer entitled to choose what you do with it.

LoCarb

Be honest with SIL and mom if your TTC#2 you may need the items in the future.

Most FTM's want 'new in box' items and gear. I would wait and see what she receives as gifts before giving items to your SIL. 

Norm in these cases? I may pass a few cute/unstained outfits (assuming same gender and season) and something that you found useful (ex:bimbo chair) but not everything. Again, this is only if you are not TTC.

ETA: for clarity

cecilyandgautam

You're definitely not required to give anything away. Were there family ere looms that you were given? My mom gave me one of my brother's first outfits but of course I'll give it to my brother's wife if they're ever expecting. My grandma kept a blanket from my mom's days as a baby - I'll share that with my sister if she has kids. 

But those things aside,  you can just get your SIL something off her registry and you should be good. If you have some infant-specific stuff that she can borrow for the first three months, then give back (like an Arm's Reach Cosleeper), then you can offer but no need if you don't feel confident you'd get it back in time.  

honeybee111

You don't have to give anything away if you don't want to.  We're done at 2 kids, and SIL is having a girl in Sept.  I gave her most of DD's old stuff, but I did keep a few things for sentimental reasons.

thedash

I would pack up a bag or small box with some things I'm not really attached to and then give it to her and say "Just let me know when you're done with these and I'll get them back because you never know when or if we may need them!" I mean things like sleepers and play clothes. No need to give or even let her borrow any of your bigger gear.

xcjump

Just be up front about what you are willing to part with and what you aren't.  I received some bigger items from my SIL that I will give back to her but she said she would lend me her exersaucer and then didn't and I would have registered for one if I knew she wasn't going to let me borrow hers.   It is your stuff to do with how you want.   My SIL only gave me clothes she didn't want back.   I won't give away any clothes you love because it is hard to keep track of clothes, they might get dirty and you probably won't get them back. 

pitterpatter129

No way would I give it away!  If you are trying for #2, store that stuff!  It will save you sooo much money to still have everything.  I would pick a few items you didn't necessarily love that you might get rid of anyhow and ask SIL if she wants them for hand-me-downs, but don't feel obligated to let her have anything.  I would think anyone would understand saving stuff for the next kid.  And I wouldn't want all my stuff used for a few more years and then handed back to me, in worse wear, which I'm sure your MIL might suggest.  Some of our things after 2 babies will never be okay to use with a third!   Just tell them no, you are saving your items for the next baby.  I can't imagine anyone actually asking to borrow or have stuff anyhow.  Surely your SIL won't?

 

NavyMom77

To give you perspective from a mom who is receiving several hand me downs, it is presumptious of anyone to assume you'll be giving your gear away. Granted, my family is very practical and blunt, but when we found out we were expecting my sister approached me with a list of hand me downs she'd be happy to give me if I was interested in, not the other way around. Not all her gear was on that list and she very frankly stated specific things they'd be holding on to. It isn't my place to ask why or why not. I am appreciative of what she's offered. If there are things you want to hold on to, by all means do so. If there are some things you would want to replace next time around, you could offer those. Otherwise, a simple "DH and I aren't planning to part with the baby gear yet" should suffice. If they push, well then they're just being rude. Tell her you can't wait to check out her registry and get her a few special things for HER little one!

WhitWed

I wouldn't feel obligated to give anything away especially if your SIL didn't even make any comments that she was interested.  But when I had DD we had so many clothes (bags full) that I happily passed on stuff to my sister and SIL that DD never wore.  I kept my favorites in a keepsake air tight bin and then kept another bin with saved outfits that were used, but could be used again should we have another girl.  However, once we found out this one is a boy, I happily donated the used bin to co-workers who wanted them!  Do whatever you're comfortable with, but don't be afraid to part with some items that you don't see yourself using or something that the standards might change for in the next year or two.

kristinc01

Well you won't have to "give" her any of it.  You could "lend" her stuff though.  I was more than willing between kids 1 & 2 to let people use my baby stuff.  Especially larger items that I didn't want to store and only get used for a few months during the first year.  All items were lent with the understanding that I would be getting it back.  For clothes I generally just lent sleepers and sleep sacks because unless a mom says she is looking to save money I assume she wants to purchase most of her first child's clothes.  I put my initials on the tags so they can get them back to me.  One mom took pictures of everything I lent her to know what to give back and I didn't give any item that would make me mad if it got ruined.  I also lent my bumbo, exersaucer, diaper pail, some newborn toys, baby food storage containers, etc.

Iblamethebeer

I wouldn't overthink this -- it was just a comment from your mom.

In my experience, people are usually tripping over each other to get maternity/baby stuff out of their houses and lent to friends, but no one is going to think you're rude if you want to keep your own stuff, especially if you think you might need it in the future. 

laurakaz13

"Sorry.  We may have another baby and are not giving away or loaning any of our things."

SunAndRain

Thanks so much!  Makes me feel better to know that I'm not being completely unreasonable.

I always maintain that I wouldn't lend anyone anything that I would care if I didn't get back.  But, our exercauser for example...only gets used for, what 6 months?  But would I be miffed if I had to replace it because she failed to return it ni good condition, or if her dogs chewed it up?  I'm thinking I would.  Then again ours is in mint condition so I could easily sell it.

And clothes get worn put.  My friend gave me several, like 12, newborn outfits she had used for her daughter.  They were in MINT condition because she doesn't put anything in the dryer. They were more worn when we got through with them.

I've also given everything we don't want to keep to our housekeeper as she passes it on to families she knows.  So I don't have much that I don't want to hang on to specifically for  the #2 I'm so hoping to have.

Anyway, I'll offer some stuff for her.  I did offer to throw her baby shower so if she takes me up on the offer then I'll have an excellent sense of what she receives, wants, and needs.

I'm sure it'll be fine.  I just can't get away from the feeling that our famiiles are going to think I'm rude, selfish, inconsiderate or otherwise for not offering her all our stuff.  I think I think too much...

ByGrace22

I've gotten really good at saying "I'm not ready to get rid of anything yet." Nobody needs to know why. Heck, I'm not even sure I know why!

Sparks in training!

dont stress. Unless she brings it up Garage sale what you want. My SIL was 5 months behind us with her pregnancy and I gave her some stuff that was totally wasted and not used. Example- 80$ Circular Playset, $50 door Jumper, $40 moby wrap.

Had i known i would have saved and sold on Craigslist.

katieh1017

I'm one and done and don't want to part with anything just yet.. It's up to you, it's your stuff and you can do whatever you want with it. 

RachieTK

ByGrace22:

I've gotten really good at saying "I'm not ready to get rid of anything yet." Nobody needs to know why. Heck, I'm not even sure I know why!

This!

Iblamethebeer

SunAndRain:

I always maintain that I wouldn't lend anyone anything that I would care if I didn't get back. 

I think you hit the nail on the head with this one.  It stresses me out to borrow baby things that I know someone wants back in good shape, and I know I never loan things out unless I can say -- with a smile -- "if it gets grape jelly on it and you need to toss it, no big deal."