Hi all,
I mostly lurk but I've had a frustrating few mornings over the last few weeks so I thought I'd see if you ladies have any ideas.
My 17 month old DD eats oatmeal for breakfast happily most mornings and I always prepare it the same way. This morning (and once/twice per week) for the last few weeks, she's spent all of breakfast screaming and crying and tantruming. Screaming NO NO NO and wailing. I have offered her other options - my breakfast, different fruits, a drink of milk or water, I've even made new oatmeal thinking it was too hot or too cold (I don't normally plan to give her 1000 choices but since I don't know what's wrong and she can't talk much, I want to try). When I try to remove the oatmeal (thinking that's what's wrong), she freaks out. She actually intermittently eats it while wailing NO NO NO, etc. The entire time, she does not gesture or point or ask for anything from her 60+ word vocabulary. To be clear, I'm not offering these options rapid fire because I don't want to overwhelm her and I have also asked "sweetie, can you point at what you'd like" or "what is wrong? do you feel upset?" or "do you feel sick". This went on for well over 20 minutes before I ended breakfast. Today (unlike other days), I even withdrew from the table for 2 minutes to see if she was just overstimulated and she continued right on wailing as if I was still there (I was around the corner but out of her eyesight).
She is generally a happy baby and I'm just so shocked at this reaction, I don't know what to do. I'm used to toddler displeasure for a specific reason (we have to leave the park, no you may not touch that) but to see her SOOOO upset and not asking for/doing anything to indicate what she wants or needs, I don't know what to do.
Finally, at my wits end, I removed the oatmeal (further wailing) and we went upstairs to get ready for the day. I asked her if she wanted to shower with me or bathe, she wanted neither. She continued to scream and wail and cry. I tried to hold her and hug her, to rub her back, etc. but it did not help and she began hitting me in the face. I brought her lovey and closed the bathroom door so she couldn't escape and got in the shower. After a few minutes, I peaked out and she was holding her lovey and playing contentedly. When I asked her if she was ok, she said "Yes" and hung out for the rest of my shower. Now it's like nothing ever happened.
I'm baffled. And more than a little rattled since this has happened a couple of times (not on consecutive days, at least several days apart) and has also happened when my husband is home although always at breakfast time.
Can anyone suggest an explanation? Or better yet, an approach for dealing with this? I want to be sensitive but I also don't want this to become a thing where Mommy desperately offers you everything in sight. Please help! I'm trying to respond in a supportive way but without knowing what the hell is wrong, I feel like I'm out of guesses.
Thanks!
Re: Temper Tantrums - No reason?
Welcome to the "terrible twos". It's not a fun place.
Thankfully, four year olds are lovely (we won't discuss age three...) My child has all sorts of tantrums over things that make no sense. I think the best thing to do when fixing the issue fails is just to hug them until they calm down and then try to distract them quickly before they find a new reason to scream.
There's always a "reason" they do this, but I don't think we'll ever, as adults, find/figure out all those reasons. And many of them certainly aren't rational reasons!
I think you did a fine job. Offer her a few choices, try to understand her emotions, be there for her, and give her space. You did everything you could, as far as I can tell. Perhaps, especially if you eat soon after wakeup time, she hadn't really transitioned from sleep to awake fully. Perhaps she had a bad dream that was still working its way out of her memory. Perhaps she woke in an odd part of the sleep cycle that left her tired/cranky. Perhaps she thought (for whatever reason) she was getting something different for breakfast. Who knows?!
Maybe you can ask her about it later in the day, or perhaps you can talk to her about breakfast BEFORE you serve it (including having her get her own bowl/spoon, etc.).
When you're feeling so bad/mad that you want to roar, just take a deep breath...
Deep breath in
... And count to four.
Deep breath in
1, 2, 3, 4.
Deep breath and repeat
My son likes this song and most tantrums it helps when we sing it. He will even sing it to other kids who are crying because they fell on the playground.
Worth a shot. Sometimes we have to sing it a few times in a row.
Sounds like you're doing the best you can and giving her lots of love. Hang in there!
I got nothing, except that I've been listening to my kids scream and carry on since DS1 was about your daughter's age. Hang in there!
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
I have recently learned that THIS^ can be a huge factor in DD's mood. I don't have suggestions on how to fix it, but I have at least learned this can be a huge thing for mine. Usually how I cope through it is just with snuggles and her lovey.
Don't beat yourself up, you absolutely sounded like you were doing everything you knew to do!
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There is always a reason behind it, but sleuthing it out is tough. Sometimes it comes down to needing a firm boundary to rail against just to feel loved and safe because emotions are too big to be articulated. When there is pain (like teething) in the mix, that just explodes it all up even bigger. Have you read The Emotional Life of the Toddler? It is a great book for this stage.
More Green For Less Green
Completely agree with this. DD was doing this all the time and I also tried everything with her thinking something was really wrong. Then finally I just decided to hug her and tell her "hug Mommy its ok" and at first she fought me but now when she starts to throw a fit in the middle of her tears she will say "Hug Mommy" and I just hold her and she stops.
She still has her moments though. Yesterday we were headed to the grocery store and she was all happy saying "Bye Daddy Bye Puppy" then suddenly she burst into tears and I was like what happened? and she said "nothing" and a minute later she stopped crying and was laughing. lol