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Blended Families
Littlejen22
member
If you know my story
Littlejen22
member
I don't feel like reporting history so this question is for those that know my story. I feel like we are back where we were four years ago and wanted to get advice for DH. Whenever things go wrong SD will not reply to him and things are now similar to four years ago. She finally after about two months replied to him saying things are bad and she knows she should not hide from him but that she does not want to let him down again. Blah blah blah. She is not asking for anything I guess she is just letting him know she is alive. I had sent her a blunt message 1 and a half months ago saying she had a warrant from traffic court at out house and we also wanted to know if she was ok and I am sure that made her hiding worse but did not start it. So now DH had no idea how to reply. Kicking her when she is down wont help. We will not give her a place to stay or money. So what would you say when you text back?
As a side note part of me feels a little guilty that I would never take her back here. She is right back to where she was practically so there is no way and DH has never asked. But I cannot say with certainty that I would not bend more for LOs but to be honest I would never have LOs to protect when they are older either. And I would still do tough love with LOs but even if she turned things around it could not be an option for me because of safety.
And if you were not here for the background save any flames because you don't know the story. I doubt anyone from way back will flame me but those I would listen to!
As a side note part of me feels a little guilty that I would never take her back here. She is right back to where she was practically so there is no way and DH has never asked. But I cannot say with certainty that I would not bend more for LOs but to be honest I would never have LOs to protect when they are older either. And I would still do tough love with LOs but even if she turned things around it could not be an option for me because of safety.
And if you were not here for the background save any flames because you don't know the story. I doubt anyone from way back will flame me but those I would listen to!
Jen - Mom to two December 12 babies
Nathaniel 12/12/06 and Addison 12/12/08
This discussion has been closed.
Re: If you know my story
I haven't been around long enough to know the backstory, but I hope it's okay for me to chime in a bit.
It's got to be super tough for dh as well as you, and I certainly understand not wanting to give her money or anything else. Enabling never helps! And you do have younger ones that you are responsible for protecting, even from her.
But since she isn't asking for anything in the text and was just checking in, I would think your dh could just respond back that he's happy to hear from her, and that no matter what kind of trouble she's in that he would appreciate to know that she's ok and that he loves her. I wouldn't mention helping her or not helping her, and wouldn't scold.
I'm all for keeping the lines of communication open, but don't let her think that it's an invitation to ask for anything. So sorry, must be an awful thing to have to deal with!
She had been living with the now ex-BF (I think they are still broken up but I do not know for sure since the last time I talked to her she had seen him the day before and we have not heard from her since except for the one text today). About 6 months ago she moved out and got her own place with a roommate. We were happy she seemed to be making a good choice and once again gave her some things for the apartment like a TV and some smaller things. A few months ago I posted that I was having breakfast with her. When I saw her she said that her roommate was in jail and was not paying her bills and she did not know what to do, etc. Well about 3 weeks ago DH got a call from the roommate saying that she had moved about because of all of SDs BS and that SD had not been paying her bills even though the roommate was still paying hers. Looking back I wonder if SD hoped we would give her money for rent by making up a story. The last time DH saw her he gave her some money for food although I don't think it was a ton.
It is so hard because years ago before the boyfriend she got an apartment when she seemed to be doing better and we got her a ton of things and gave her a bunch of things like a bed and TV and she left/lost it all when she left before getting kicked out.
She was arrested a few months ago for a drug charge (I did not post the specifics at the time) and has numerous tickets in at least 3 towns and one has a warrant for not paying it. It is so hard to know when to help and when not to and honestly I cannot say that if we gave her money she would use it for anything good and while we are doing fine we absolutely cannot afford paying rent for a 23yo even if we thought it was a good idea. And since I know she is still doing drugs (it was pot plus a narcotic) there is no way I would feel safe letting her spend time here with my 4yo and 2yo. And then there is the guilt because I don't know that I could turn my back on "my own kids". And yet like I said above when the LOs are grown I would not have to worry about the safety of little kids if I tried to help more so it is not the same situation, if I had other SKs at home my concern would be the same. It is just so Fd up because honestly the last month or so we really did not know if she was safe or really if she is now.
Thanks! That is probably going to be my suggestion, and was where we were with the thinking to begin with, just so hard to word something without going into the helping or lecturing! And anyone's advice is wanted, I was just trying to make it clear for people that do not know the backstory that there is no sense in flaming from this post because there are years of posts that some people on here know about and without knowing those it is not really possible to judge.
Cole, I am so sorry. And I am sure you know logically it was not your fault but it is hard to deal with guilt. And honestly that is one of my biggest fears of how we will all deal with something if that were to happen, or other bad things. Is it better to do nothing or are you helping them do harm?
She recently got fired from the job she had for about 4 years and she admitted it was totally her fault. The last thing I knew she had another job but I don't know if she has kept it. I know she id going drugs but she is still functioning so I don't know how much she is doing them, I have zero tolerance though.
I'm really so sorry Cole. I have nothing great to add to the OP Jen as I don't know the whole back story, but my family has been plagued with drug issues, including my baby brother and this hit home to me.
I won't allow myself to be taken advantage of, as he lived with me for a while as well and tried that, but I do love him and I try to make sure he knows that and I keep the lines of communication open. I think that's all you can do.
Thank you. You are right the guilt is very hard to deal with even if you know in your head, you tried your best. Another bitter pill to swallow is that my brother had been doing well and was clean in the months leading up to his death, the coroner said that may have been a contributing factor since his body was no longer able to handle the drug, it was too much for his heart. The problem is there is not a clear path to take, you can`t know whether your good intentions are more helpful or harmful. I can`t imagine dealing with something like this when it is your child. You have to make the best decision for your family and protecting your younger children is your number one priority. I think like others have said, you can express your love to her but do not offer to rescue her. When she is ready for help, she will ask for it. If she needs rehab, that needs to be her only option. Good luck with everything.
Thank you.
Your history is very similar to a woman's on another board I have posted with for years. I haven't been here long enough to know the intricacies, but based on her situation, here is what I think....
How do you and DH feel about it? I think one of the hardest things is to feel conflicted. But sometimes you have to work through that - knowing YOU are on the right path, but feeling guilty about it is totally normal. Struggling over what to text implies that you still think that you have some sort of influence over outcomes. You might think through if that is part of the driver for the quandry around what to text....and if it is, I would posit that you lack much influence beyond being there. Knowing you guys are checking in has some value to her, so continue to do it. But WHAT you say is probably not so important.
I think the bolded is the best response you and DH could give. She probably needs to hear that her dad loves her and still cares about her no matter what, even if he isn't willing/able to bail her out of her problems.
Wow. Cole, I think you did the best you could and when it is your time it just is. Please don't think you had any role in what happened. Sorry to hear this very tragic story
My Dh had an extremely extremely bad drug problem when he was a teenager. He actually met Bm doing drugs with her. He almost died one day after SS was born and immediately went into the military. Every branch tried to turn him down but he knew it was life or death so he pursued and pursued until he got every waiver he could to get in and leave. It completely changed his life. Now he doesn't even smoke cigarettes and has a beer once every three months or so.
He is the best dad I know and the best husband. We know SS will have addictive tendencies and considering Bm is still doing drugs (although she denies she has ever seen a drug) addiction will be part of SS's life at some point, we have the conversation a lot about what we will do in the future.
I guess here's where we would be with things, the child will need to go to rehab, the military or some work program that will require monthly drug screenings if they want our support. We will support by storing belongings, writing letters, visiting. We will not give the child access to money or our home until they have completed treatment.
Even today I manage all of our money, Dh has monthly drug screenings with the VA (electively) and we are COMPLETELY open about where we go, who we are. Once you're an addict you are in recovery FOREVER. Dh would let me check his phone/facebook at the drop of the hat. People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. This would be the similar policy with our child. COMPLETE honesty and openness or no help. I don't think no help means you have to cut them off completely but it means they cannot be in your home and you cannot give them any money, personal items or anything that could be misused.
In AA they say people, places and things. When Dh came home from the military he couldn't associate with any of his old friends. He cannot even associate with his parents because they are the most ridiculous enablers. They enable to the point that I think they prefer him on drugs (for example, they offer him drugs!) because it distracts everyone from their own personal issues. He still cannot put himself in places or situations that endanger his sobriety. His sobriety is the most important thing in life. It is above SS and our DS because he needs sobriety so both of them can have a living father.
If she's responding to you in any way, maybe she knows she is in a hole and needs the help. Can you pay for an inpatient rehab and sign an agreement that she will pay you back when she's sober? Could you help her get enrolled in a suboxone or some other treatment program (I'm not sure her exact drug of choice but for opiate addicts that's an awesome thing.) Sorry if you have already tried those options. My Dh knows even to this day if he relapsed he would be out, no questions asked. I know this sounds harsh but that's how it has to be.
Feel free to PM me if you have any other questions. I am so proud of my Dh. He gives me hope that others can recover and move forward in their lives.
I think the problem is knowing we have have no control over it and for DH wanting to yell at her and knowing that is not the right thing to do. And of course no one can know for certain that what we are doing in right. I just wish she would grow up and cut the crap.
The last I knew she was in total denial that drugs were an issue and honestly I do not know for sure if she is high daily or truly recreational because we do not see her often but I am pretty certain we have never seen her high. She was caught with RX version of an opiate albeit a small amount but it was for truly recreation purposes and not rehab. I cannot even say at this point what type of help she is in need of because we see her a few times a year.
Littlejen - if your SD is anything like mine... you already know what's going to happen. She's going to ask for something sooner or later. I agree with the response that it's good to finally hear from her, and then leave it at that. But we know that's not the end of it.
When she does ask, or tries to manipulate money or help from him (classic of both our SD's) he needs to say no, he loves her, but he can no longer support her bad behaviors. If she wants help from him, here are the clear boundaries and rules. He should also encourage her to face the law, turn herself in, do some soul searching while serving her time and seriously consider getting her life in order OR accept this as her life.
No doubt she will not take him up on it and disappear again until her next desperate time of need.
Good luck, I wish you both all the best.
The one thing that she has honestly not done is asked for help since the day he bailed of jail her out over 4 years ago. Well the two times she has moved she did ask if we had anything not being used that she could have and if I find out she left our TV behind I swear I will not buy her plastic forks in the future. Although she normally is sort of MIA from January through October and come around a lot for her birthday and Christmas! But luckily we have not dealt with the demanding of money and then disowning her for not doing what she wanted. One of my frustrating point that I know you understand is that at 23 I was working 50 hours a week in business and paying back my student loans and she is still screwing around. And it is hard to offer even rehab when honestly we have no clue if she is getting high 4 times a year or 4 times a day. I have never seen her high and she would never tell me if it was more than occasional. If DH has not responded I am going to suggest he says the above suggestion.