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Blended Families
SimpleJane
member
Too Strict?
SimpleJane
member
XH differ a lot as far as household rules. I'm much more strict. I know he wouldn't agree with what I did tonight so I thought I would ask for honest opinions from you all. I'm not sure if its good for the kids to have strict rules about something at my house and virtually no rules about it at Dads, and I don't know if I should talk to XH about it and try to come up with a common rule at both houses or just keep doing what I'm doing.
DS, 6, refused to eat the dinner J cooked tonight. Pasta with red sauce, parm cheese and garlic bread. He said it was disgusting and no way was he touching it. He's eaten it before no problem, but tonight he was just being crabby. I told him that was fine but if he threw his plate away he wouldn't be getting anything else for the rest of the night. That is what's for dinner, period. He said fine and threw his plate. 20 minutes later when everyone was done eating and we were reading bedtime stories/getting ready for bed, he starts crying loudly that he's starving to death. I said tough cookies and sent him to bed without dinner.
Now, I know at XHs house he asks them what they want for dinner and makes or buys what they want. Even if its two different things. Nobody has to eat at scheduled meal times and they get to bring cookies and milk into bed with them at night. XH fully admits all that. I just don't know if its a combo of me being too strict and him too lax or what but the kids have been pulling the 'I'm not eating that' card a lot lately.
Would you attempt to talk to XH and find middle ground or just keep doing what I'm doing at my house? Or am I being too ridged about it all together?
DS, 6, refused to eat the dinner J cooked tonight. Pasta with red sauce, parm cheese and garlic bread. He said it was disgusting and no way was he touching it. He's eaten it before no problem, but tonight he was just being crabby. I told him that was fine but if he threw his plate away he wouldn't be getting anything else for the rest of the night. That is what's for dinner, period. He said fine and threw his plate. 20 minutes later when everyone was done eating and we were reading bedtime stories/getting ready for bed, he starts crying loudly that he's starving to death. I said tough cookies and sent him to bed without dinner.
Now, I know at XHs house he asks them what they want for dinner and makes or buys what they want. Even if its two different things. Nobody has to eat at scheduled meal times and they get to bring cookies and milk into bed with them at night. XH fully admits all that. I just don't know if its a combo of me being too strict and him too lax or what but the kids have been pulling the 'I'm not eating that' card a lot lately.
Would you attempt to talk to XH and find middle ground or just keep doing what I'm doing at my house? Or am I being too ridged about it all together?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Too Strict?
See that is what I second guess myself abou. Of course I want to stand my ground but at the same time I bet the poor little guy was hungry. I felt conflicted about it.
At the same time though, they both have been doing the 'No I hate this dinner' or 'I'm not hungry' and then ten minutes later wanting a snack, a lot lately. I feel like its whiny and disrespectful to turn your nose up at a nutritious meal someone spends time cooking for you because you aren't in the mood, then turn around and have an apple for dinner. If it was every now and then and it was a meal I knew he hated for real I may have chosen a different approach. This felt less like he didnt like dinner and more like he was trying to prove he didn't have to eat what I wanted him to eat. Power struggle.
I think mostly the reason I'm questioning if I need to ease up is I wonder if I'm adding more stress on them because the rules at my house vs. XH house are so different. That has to be really confusing and hard for them. I don't want to run my home differently because of the way he runs his home but I do want my kids to have less stress transitioning.
Definitely this. Your house your rules. And kids shouldn't have the option of not eating the dinner prepared for them bc "they don't feel like it." There are children starving all over the world. You did exactly what I would have done, and what my mother did to me when I was a kid.
Do you feel the same when they do it too you or do you think it is more disrespectful when they do it to the guy caring for them that is not their father?
You can always wrap the dinner and put it away for them or offer something they will eat as a snack but is not their fav? Like my DS could eat apple sauce even though he does not like it much but he does not hate it. Those would be their only choices?
I agree with this.
The only thing I might do is offer a cup of milk. That way you aren't offering food, but it'll soothe his stomach if it's rumbling. And the protein would help get him through the night.
Personally, I save my kids' plates if they don't eat and if they get hungry, back to the table it goes. The only time I offer somethiglng different for the kids is if we are cooking something for myself and DH that we know is strange and the kids won't eat it. And if it is new, they have to try it before even knowing they have the option of eating something else, like a hotdog or something quick.
I have to say, food is the biggest battle between DH and I. We can NEVER agree. He would be content to let them have whatever whenever, but I am actually a fairly healthy eater so I try to make sure the kids get everything they need in proper proportions. DH just doesn't want to hear anyone fussing. I tell him that being the bad guy is part of parenting.
I don't know if I misread snark in your response or if you were implying I was only pisssed because 'the guy who's not their father' cooked for them and they didn't eat it. It's got nothing to do with who cooked.
I like the idea people are giving about saving their plate. Like okay, you don't have to eat now but if you are hungry later this will be your only option. That saves him going to bed hungry but still stands firm that you only get one dinner, and its the same as everyone else's.
Well, first of all I think 6 is plenty old enough to be able to handle different rules at different houses. So don't compare your house to BD's house. Although it would drive me nuts that they got to eat cookies in bed at his house. How unhealthy and bad for their teeth!
Our rule has always been if you don't eat supper you don't get a new supper later. BUT... with two exception. First my kids always have the option of veggies when they are hungry even right before a meal if they want. A hungry child will be happy with carrot sticks or broccoli, and if they aren't really hungry they'll pass it by. The key to this is always having veggies around that they like and will eat. DD2 is super picky, but that kid will always eat raw cauliflower or fresh spinach. DS is pretty picky too but he will always eat cooked broccoli. (DD1 has never been a problem.) You could always have fruits ok as well, or what have you.
Our second exception was that you could always have a peanut butter sandwich instead of the main dish if you prefer. No jelly or anything else, just peanut butter and bread. They rarely use that since it's boring, but they won't starve on a PB sandwich. My grandma always offered bread and butter if you didn't like supper, but I like the added protein of the peanut butter.
I think the key is an option that isn't exciting or fun and they won't prefer over everything, but is a valid alternative if they REALLY don't like something. I do think in your case it sounds like a power struggle though. Good luck!
No snark meant. I was on my phone and too lazy to elaborate! I wrote it the way I did because I meant it in the way of, "hey this guy is not even your father and is taking care of you so the least you can do is eat the meal he is making that you actually like." I can honestly see how it would be easy to get more annoyed if you think they are disrespecting him (of course I can see it the other way too, lol), the same way that when we went on vacation with my Mom I feel stressed trying not to let her drive DH crazy. I just meant it as something to think about in case you were being harder because it was DH.
I think the milk suggestion is good too if he still refuses to eat. I happen to be in the same situation as someone else that wrote that they have food issues themselves and don't force kids to eat something. My parents never forced food on me but would not make a second meal, they did things for me like no sauce or no onions and pulled my food aside before adding the other stuff but it is hard when a kid is just being a PITA.
This would work great unless the kid could LIVE off of peanutbutter ot even bread by itself. Ugh, my SD would take peanutbutter all the time, every meal of the day, if I let her. Before I was technically involved enough with DH to take on parenting responsibilities, she did eat PB all the time! Every single meal! And DS can live on just bread alone and be happy. They never get bored with these options. My kids are totally weird. Lol!
Ok, done hijacking. The peanutbutter suggestion just made me laugh because I that specifically would never work for us.
Yep, that totally wouldn't work for you. My kids are not fans unless they get jelly or honey on their pb, so just plain isn't fun at all! Personally I like a good plain pb sandwich.
There is a HUGE difference between truely not liking something (be it the flavor or texture or smell) and being picky for picky sake AND being in a snit and wanting to test one's boundaries.
I accept the first and will go out of my way to not cook with foods my kids TRULY do not like (SS loathes eggs and feta cheese and Monkey does not like sandwich meats like bologna).
But picky eaters and pissy eaters do not get special treatment in my house...just like s picky sleeper or picky dresser would not get special treatment. It's not always about power and conformity, but life does not always allow special snowflakes to get what they want when they want it.
And when it comes to eating foods, as a parent you are doing a huge disservice by not opening them up to new flavors OR by allowing them to take pissy to picky.
In our house, we do two things,
1) we ensure that there is always something offered that we know that the kids will eat. So if there is a new main course, the side veggie or starch will be something they like, even in there is a casserole.
They are given age appropriate services (per my pedi, kids will get overwhelmed by the adult size serving on their plates and protest that) that they have to eat in order to get more of the item they like. Ex, Monkey is 4 - so she gets 4 small bites worth of the main course, 4 small bites of the veggie and 4 small bites of the starch. All together will be the age appropriate meal serving size. Its not hard eating 4 small bites.
2) We save the plate if they don't finish. And if they are hungry afterward, they must finish it before they get anything else.
ALL of the studies (from all around the world) have shown that it can take up to 20 new tries for a child to like a new flavor or texture.
Unless the child has actually reached that 20 try mark, how are you or they for that matter, supposed to know if they really don't like the food or if pickiness is caused from something else in their lives.
Games of control between parents and children are not necessarily a bad thing for the child. Its part of the maturation process.
And I am not saying that there aren't times where I don't use the "because I told you to", myself. But you can USE these control battles vs fight them.
And then when they get into the PISSY mode, vs PICKY you are not being overly strict, but being a parent.
No, not too strict.
When my ss was younger I would try to make things he liked. When he didn't eat it he was told that the kitchen would be closed and no more food would be available that night. It was his choice.
He really caught on when one night he took a few bites and declared he was full. WE reminded him that there would be no more food and he was okay with that. THEN the ice cream truck came down the street.......we normally let him get it but that night, we reminded him, he said he understood there was no more food and ice cream is food!
We never had that problem again
I didn't have time to read everyone else's responses but I did want to tell you what our therapist told us regarding this issue. Our youngest is about the most picky eater I've ever encountered and we used to battle over this every night. Having dinner went from an enjoyable thing to sitting there and waiting him out.
One of the things kids definitely have control over is what they put in their mouth. Our counselor suggested we pick our battles and let this one go. When the kid doesn't eat what we made, he can have left overs from earlier in the week. The dinner table is a peaceful place again.
That and I can think of a lot of things I wouldn't eat even if someone spent the whole day cooking it special. Good Luck!
My kids are great eaters, but I think this has more to do with their personalities than my parenting. They both have things they do not like (neither like salad, DS does not like apples, DD does not like doughnuts). But they are both more adventurous than I was as a kid, and love vegetables, seafood, even Indian/Thai type stuff as long as it isn't too spicy.
I never make an entire dinner without including something I know they will like. If I'm going to make a new/scary main dish I will make a veg I know they'll eat, and something like mashed potatoes that they love. They generally trust me enough to try whatever I put in front of them. I do not ever offer a different meal. If they do not eat what I make, they do not eat. There are no exceptions.
Sometimes they choose not to eat, or they eat very little. They aren't punished, and there is no yelling. We just tell them that they won't be allowed to have any snacks/treats until the next meal.
With DD who is 3, we are more flexible on the snack thing. But she'll have some cubed cheese or grapes. She's not going to skip lunch and then eat chips or whatever.
They don't get to dictate but there IS food available if they are hungry.
We do the same. You only get one option for dinner - everyone eats the same thing. I would have just set it aside and offered it to him again when he started crying. I also would make him sit at the table until everyone was finished eating. We have 4 kids, so if one doesn't have to eat and leaves the table - no way the others are staying.
Both of these.
We have this issue a lot with the 2 girls (9 and 7). Mostly with K because we generally make relatively healthy meals and she only eats fast food when she's with BM. The rule used to be: you eat what we make or you can make yourself a peanut butter sandwich. Well, turns out the girls freaking love peanut butter so that backfired quickly.
Now the rule is: You have to try whatever we make. If it's something new and you don't like it, you eat whatever else is on the plate that you do like (ex: you don't like the grilled eggplant? Then eat the couscous and chicken). If you're just being a fuss-butt and don't want to eat what we made: put your plate in the fridge cause that's your after school snack tomorrow, buddy. And, no you can't eat something else. I like Felles suggestion of a glass of milk though. I think I'm stealing that ;-)
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he THREW his plate? I would hope the first recourse would be to clean up the mess he made.
I like Coop's approach.
I get what you are trying to do here, at the same time I get concerned about making food a battle. I don't want kids to grow up developing an unhealthy relationship with food because I've now made it a power struggle and a test of wills with the kid. OTOH, I don't want kids to grow up thinking there are no requirements to eat healthily, etc. So, I like the idea of "You can eat what we're serving, or you can have veggies, or you can have the plainest, lamest sandwich in the world. Your choice."
I think I am reading this wrong but what is the privilege? Eating differ?