New to parenting!

blondii428

My 5 year old SD just started living with us full time and since I don't have kids of my own yet I am totally clueless!  There are a few things that I am curious to get some expert advice on if you wouldn't mind! 

1. She still isn't fully potty trained.  She will pee in the toilet during the day but that's it.  At night she needs to wear a pull up to pee in and she refuses to poop in the toilet, so she  poops in her panties.  Isn't she a little old to still be doing this?  How can we curve this?

 2.  She has trouble sleeping by herself.  Before living with us she lived with her grandma on her mother's side and she slept in the bed with her.  We lay her down and set her up with a movie to fall asleep to but she cries and continuously gets up out of bed.  My DH sometimes has to wait hours out in the living room before he can make sure that she fell asleep and can go to bed himself.  Any ideas on how we can make this transition easier?

3. She doesn't really know how to entertain herself and is very dependent on others. I can't do anything without her following me everywhere and questioning everything I do. When I'm really tired it gets kind of tiresome.  What are some activities that we could set her up with that could keep her busy and entertained for awhile while we do tasks like clean?

Mrs.RockyM

 It seems like a lot of these behaviors are somewhat learned, and it will take time for her to unlearn/learn new behaviors.

I'd talk to the doctor about her potty issues.  It could be she can't control it, but it could also be she just doesn't want to do it. 

As for setting her up with a movie, I think that's making it worse.  Maybe you could stay with her for 2 hours, then slowly start cutting the time you spend in her room.  Think sleep training for babies.  Maybe she's staying up too late if YH has to wait hours before she falls alseep. 

As for your self entertaining and being dependant on others, well she's just a kid.  They do that!  The questions are really just her curiosity.  At 5, she can start helping with cleaning, you can have her watch a movie, maybe get her some independant play toys like puzzles or books, or some kitchen items.  DD is 4, and I don't know if your SD is a younger 5 or an older 5, but DD loves to play with her play kitchen - she cooks meals, has tea parties, plays restaurant - all with her dolls.

74dragonfly

I would work on the issues one at a time. First make sure you and DH are on the same page about the rules. I'd have a set bedtime, simple chores, a few house rules, etc

mommymegan831

what was your relationship with her before?  If this is all a brand new situation to her I think you need to give her some time.  She may want to be around you guys because she wants to feel loved.  I don't think setting her up with a movie to go to bed is a good idea, just starting a new bad habit.

blondii428

Thanks for the advice everyone.  I know that a lot of these issues were paved by how she was raised before she came to live with us full time and it'll just take time.  I had a feeling the movie during bedtime wasn't a good idea but didn't know how to bring it up to my DH.  I think I have a few ideas I can work with now, thank you!

proudworkingmom82

 The pull up at night thing can sometimes be normal even at this age.  My DD is 4.5 and still wears pull ups at night.  She simply doesn't wake to pee.  However she never poops in her pants.  This is something your SD has to learn to stop doing.  Maybe you and your DH need to simply tell her this isn't normal behavior and keep enforcing that.  

I don't really have much advice on the sleeping thing except that I think it's important to consistently make sure she's sleeping alone so she can adjust to it.  Parenthood is all about routine and consistent behaviors in my opinon.  

As far as playing alone DD isn't great at this either.  You can try Coloring or kid friendly craft supplies, setting her up online with computer games (disneyjr.com, Nickjr.com, pbskids.org, sproutonline.com,) DD will play blocks or my little pony by herself some.  

shannm

The PP have given great advice. I will just add that if I was in that situation, I would probably seek professional guidance, at least for a short period of time.

jetgrrrl

I want to echo the PPs who suggested that you have her evaluated by a pediatrician. I agree that the nighttime peeing is normal but the pooping is DEFINITELY not. You should also talk to the pediatrician about whether she should have an evaluation by your school district or the early intervention program in your state to make sure that she's developmentally on the right track.

Regarding sleep, she definitely has some very clear sleep association issues. What child wouldn't if she was used to sleeping with her grandma in bed with her every night. I would talk to her pediatrician about this as well because changing that pattern in a way that helps her feel safe and results in the sleep/downtime you and your H need is going to take time.

You don't mention in here why she was living with her grandmother rather than her mother or your DH before now, but it sounds like there was some degree of instability in her living situation before. I think what she needs most from you and your DH is to know that you BOTH love her unconditionally and you are going to help keep her safe by setting clear limits and expectations. She definitely needs patience but she also needs clear direction. Good luck, you have a challenging situation but given the fact that she is so young you also have an incredible opportunity to bond with her and help her blossom.

cpmich

jetgrrrl:

I want to echo the PPs who suggested that you have her evaluated by a pediatrician. I agree that the nighttime peeing is normal but the pooping is DEFINITELY not. You should also talk to the pediatrician about whether she should have an evaluation by your school district or the early intervention program in your state to make sure that she's developmentally on the right track.Regarding sleep, she definitely has some very clear sleep association issues. What child wouldn't if she was used to sleeping with her grandma in bed with her every night. I would talk to her pediatrician about this as well because changing that pattern in a way that helps her feel safe and results in the sleep/downtime you and your H need is going to take time.You don't mention in here why she was living with her grandmother rather than her mother or your DH before now, but it sounds like there was some degree of instability in her living situation before. I think what she needs most from you and your DH is to know that you BOTH love her unconditionally and you are going to help keep her safe by setting clear limits and expectations. She definitely needs patience but she also needs clear direction. Good luck, you have a challenging situation but given the fact that she is so young you also have an incredible opportunity to bond with her and help her blossom.

This and I would lay off on her playing independently for a while. She is following you around asking questions because she is trying to get to know you and figure out her place in the new family. Be welcoming and give her ways to help. Little jobs, like folding laundry. Do not criticize her. Constructive criticism can come later. It would be much more worrisome if she were avoiding you. Just realize if you are loving and welcoming, she will feel safe enough to get back into some sort of routine. Once she feels secure, she will be independently playing again.

Also, she is five. If you put up with the questions and what seems, respectfully, like your annoyance at having to be a mom, you two can have a great relationship. If you focus too much on her issues and make her feel like there is something wrong with her during a time which is already a really major change for her, you can actually do some very real damage. Also, telling her to go watch tv or a movie is sending the message that you guys don't want to spend the time with her.

It is great you took her in. Realize that you guys don't have practice being parents. Parenting is really hard. It is also really rewarding, but it is hard work. Think about what kind of teenager and adult you want her to be. Ask yourself if whatever decision you are tackling will get her there. Most importantantly, ask yourself if she does eexactly what you do, talks exactly the way you do, will she become the person you want her to? Throw attitude and sarcasm at her, it will come at you a hundred times worse when she is a teen...

On another note, the bedsharing thing... Weird by US standards but totally normal in other countries. I wouldnt make a big deal of it and focus on pottystuff first. I would put a twin mattress on the floor and give her the choice of whether to sleep on the floor in your room or in her own bedroom. Once she is settled, she will pick her own room because she wants to be a big girl. Or pick a milestone like her birthday and build up sleeping in her own bed.

Best piece of parenting advice ever?... Pick your battles.

Second best piece of parenting advice ever?... Ignore any advice that doesn't fit your family, and do what you think is right. ;

cpmich

Also, I didn't mean it to sound like you are annoyed to be a mom, just that you should realize that this is a big adjustment for you too. You might be a little touchier than usual. It is totally normal for a new mom to go through a bit of a grieving process when she mourns the loss of days as a couple before kids, sleeping in, eating whatever whenever without worrying about kids... For some moms this is rough post partum, but it isn't any less stressful when your new familymember is 5... Cut yourself some slack too!

Might consider checking out if the Adoption board has people who can offer any tips...