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Babies on the Brain
Frustrated with DH (rant)
I have had BOTB for two years now, but my DH hasn't been ready to jump in. This year, we decided to try to get as many things taken care of or crossed off the bucket list, and we've done a really good job of it. In October, we are planning a week long tropical vacation, so I had told him that I wanted to go off the pills at that time. He has teased and joked about it, but wont give me an official "Yes". So while I knew it wasn't set in stone, I had kind of gotten excited thinking that I finally had a time frame to work with.
Well last night we were looking at different vacation packages so I brought it up again, and it turned into a battle field. The gist of it came down to he still wants to continue travelling and buying toys (Which is what we've been doing this whole year) and tells me to stop thinking about having a baby. Yeah, like I can just flip a switch and magically stop having that longing. I told him that I was tired of feeling like I had no say in the matter and that there would always be things he wanted to do or buy, and why did he feel like having a baby would be the end of everything else? His answer? "Those are things I want to do." Great. So now it becomes a matter of who's wants and desires are more important. I want him to be excited about TTC, but right now its really hard to see that happening before we're in our 30's. And if I have to wait that long I might go crazy, or spiral into depression. I just don't know what to do. I've been using this time to get into shape, and enjoy free time (and sleep), and we keep ourselves busy, but like I said, I've already been waiting for two years. I just really wish I had a time frame.
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Re: Frustrated with DH (rant)
I am sorry you're frustrated; it's difficult when partners aren't in synch on the issue of when to have children.
Unfortunately, this is an issue where both people have veto power. You *both* need to be on board for TTC and parenting; if he's not ready, he's not ready, and trying to force him into it won't help him be more ready to have children.
While you can push him for a timeframe, setting an arbitrary date won't necessarily make him ready when that date arrives. If he's still not ready then, you need to respect his feelings and give him more time.
If you're unwilling to allow your partner the time he needs, you should think hard about what's more important to you-having children according to your timeframe or having your DH as your life partner. And in the meantime, keep doing what you're doing-get healthy, explore hobbies, and build a happy, fulfilling life.
I tried this. I've told him that I just want a time frame, even if its farther away then I really want, but his reply is "Why do you have to put a time frame on it? Why cant you just enjoy our time now?"
Like I said, I am enjoying my time right now, and I am excited about the trips we have planned, but he just doesn't seem to understand the constant ticking in the back of my mind. That's why I feel so stuck.
I completely agree, like I said I want him to be on board with this process. What hurt's is when he jokes and teases and laughs with me when I talk about TTC, but then turns around and shoots everything down. We've made all these steps towards the end goal of having a baby, and he just keeps pushing things back. I would never leave him, I value our relationship much more then the need to have a child, I'm just sick of the flip-flopping!
My first thought is that buying toys and traveling don't actually make you better parents. If anything you will wish you had saved the money! It seems more that the lifestyle he wants (being able to spend money on stuff rather than family) doesn't include kids right now. You owe it to yourself to respect that he isn't ready and may just not be able to give you a timeline. You need to be prepared that he may just never be truly ready... people change their minds and kids just might not be his thing.
I think you owe it to your marriage to sit down and explain to him that you are really ready for that next step. Remind him that you don't just want to be a mom, you want to nurture and love HIS child. You want to build a family with HIM. And life doesn't just stop after you have kids... you can still go on trips, buy some nice things, and enjoy hobbies. You just have to be ready to prioritize. You have been patient but you guys can also wait a bit longer if that is what it takes. There is no way anyone on here can predict what he is ready for and what you should do.
I will say that you can go off birth control anytime you want to (of course letting him know!) He is the one who doesn't want to conceive and he can be the one to use condoms for the time being. It doesn't fall just on your shoulders.
Oh my gosh, I can totally relate to this! I have been waiting for DH to be ready, too. It is very hard...I have tried to throw myself into hobbies and enjoying life, but it is so stinkin hard when all of our friends are having children, etc...
I guess what other posters have said is good advice, it does have to be both of you on board, but he does need to realize that at some point, by putting it off too long, he will be making the decision for both of you.
You are not alone in your frustrations though