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Blended Families
fellesferie
member
What to do?
fellesferie
member
XH and I have been long distance as we are now for about 5 years. In that time, he has only come to my city one time.
Later this week, he'll be here for the second time. And DS wants him to come to the house. DS wants to show XH his bedroom, have him come play with the dog, and god knows what else. I haven't yet said anything about it either way.
I'm uncomfortable with the idea for a number of reasons. It'd be during the day, so DH would be at work. I just don't feel good about having him in my home. I'm not afraid of him, but it makes me uneasy.
I think I can avoid it if DS does not press the issue. But if he does, I don't know whether it would be appropriate to flat out say no. I think it sends a pretty crappy message--and perhaps an alienating one--to DS that XH is not welcome here.
I'd consider just taking off w/ DD for a bit, and telling XH to lock up when he leaves. For me, that'd be better than us all being there.
What do I do?
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Re: What to do?
I can definitely relate to not really wanting XH in your house, that would be slightly uncomfortable for me too. Is there any way he could maybe just come for like ten minutes so DS can show him his room and some of his toys, and then for XH to take DS somewhere else? Maybe you could have someone else at the house with you for a little moral support - a friend, other family.
I'm torn between if it is ok to tell DS no, XH cannot come to the house. On the one hand, we are supposed to strive for a cordial and tension-free co-parenting relationship for the benefit of our kids. On the other hand, there are boundaries to our own respective families...curious to see what other have to say
10-15 minutes would be no problem. But XH lets DS run things, and DS will want to show him this then that then this than that. DS has already said he wants to show him his room, and play Wii, and play with the dog. DS has also been suggesting that DD go play with them (and we have said no way, jose).
XH can be pretty immune to social cues, but I could try to suggest they'd have more fun elsewhere after a quick tour around the house.
DS seems to want to try and integrate XH into his life here. Which I do completely understand. But I need to maintain boundaries.
I certainly don't think you are obligated, it's more about you and your child and how you want to handle the request vs. any want/desire on the X's part.
If you have a great relationship with X, sure that is wonderful that he could come in and share in the enjoyment your child may get from showing him all his "stuff".
If you prefer your privacy, then it is just a matter of how to handle the request from the child. You could just say that daddy is busy and wants to spend all his time doing fun activities. Maybe suggest he and daddy Skype from his room a different day to allow him to show off all his cool stuff.
I like the idea of you having a friend there or someone there for support. That way you won't feel uncomfortable being in the house with him alone, and you can monitor how much time they are spending and you can still be running the show. Obviously you aren't obligated. What does DH think? Sorry if I missed that.
Yes, does YH have an opinion either way?
I'd be a little less zero sum in my thinking...what would I be comfortable with? A room tour for sure. Packing up the Wii so they can play together wherever exh is staying for sure. Throwing the ball for the dog in the front yard for sure. How can you set this up so that you get your boundaries and it's not a playdate you are hosting for DS and exh in your home?
Ideas.....Meet exh somewhere to exchange DS. Let him come in for a few minutes to see the room at drop off at your house and have other plans that DS is cool with that get you back out the door so there is an end of tour shot clock. Tell DS that he can show his Dad his room and the dog, but not play together at home that they will go do lots of fun things during the time he is with his Dad. Enlist exh's help - my ex is very similar with the social cues thing, but I could flat out say "Hey, he wants to show you his room but he is also turning this into a whole afternoon playdate here for the two of you. Can you come in and see his room then have an activity planned to get you guys back out the door?" ETA the repsonse from exh would be something like "you don't want me hanging out in your house for the afternoon? that's really mean." and more along those lines, but he would comply.
DH thinks we're in kind of a tough spot. He's not comfortable with it either, but he thinks that an outright 'no' could sour what is an essentially civil relationship.
I hadn't really thought about asking someone to come by. That's not a bad idea.
DS's swim practice wraps up at 9, so I'd been planning to tell XH he could meet me somewhere after that. I've no clue what they'll do with the rest of the day, but I would guess that XH will leave it up to DS. And DS will want to be here at the house.
I suppose I could have some imaginary plans that would start about 30 minutes after whatever time they might show up.
Make real plans! This way you aren't lying and you still have an out. 30 minutes is very generous....I would say no more than 10.
I think this is perfect.
You're giving DS a chance to include BD in his life and then you're giving yourself an out so that it doesn't become an all day thing.
Man I cannot imagine what my response would be if DC ever came to my State and the kids wanted him to see their rooms and hang out at my home. I applaud you for not immediately saying "no", because I really think I would have.
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This has been on my mind for the last week or so, because I'm honestly not completely sure why my gut reaction is SO negative.
The reasons I can come up with are complex-
- Not long after DS was born, XH told me he did not feel things as deeply as most people. When I asked him what he meant, he said he did not think he'd be sad if I died. When I asked him wouldn't he be sad at least for DS, he said he didn't know, but that he would give DS to his parents. Who says that kind of thing??
- My biggest issue with XH during our marriage and since our divorce is that he doesn't act like he cares about DS. He never asks about him. Never has any interest in him. I think 99% of what XH does for DS is because it is what his parents expect him to do.
- XH used to work as a forensic tech in law enforcement. He used to talk with some frequency about ways to get away with things without anyone finding out.
I bring up this stuff to say that while I'm not afraid of him, he's not really someone I want in my home. I don't think he would hurt anyone, but he has done other things I would not have expected of him.
I'm having a hard time putting it all into words, but thinking about being alone (with the kids) with him just makes me uneasy.
- As someone who's married, being alone in my home with an ex is not something I'd personally choose. It's not that DH would care, it just feels weird to me.
There are other little things, but that's most of what I've been able to separate out.
Eh. This all would make me extremely uneasy.
Since XH follows DS lead, here's my suggestion:
Ask DS if there's a movie he wants to see, and play it up a lot and suggest he ask XH to take him. Then tell XH and suggest he get tickets. If he gets tickets for 1:15, then have XH come "tour" the house at 12:45 or whatever time so they'll have to leave after 15 minutes to get to the movie on time.
If my stepkids asked if their mother could come into the house to see their room or play with dog or whatever I would say no. I wouldn't let that woman in my house if those kids got a baby unicorn from Santa and wanted to see it.
My husband would agree with me 100%.
It's not a crappy message that his father is not welcome in your house. Why would he be? You and your ex are divorced. If you can't handle telling him that his father isn't welcome in the house, how did you handle telling your son that his parents are getting divorced? It's ridiculous that your son think that his father, your ex husband, is welcome into you and your new husband's home.
So I pretty much loathe XH. It's possible that you dislike your stepkids' BM more than I dislike XH, but I doubt it.
My son is 8 and he is thrilled that his biological father is coming here. He wants to show him his room, have him meet his dog, go to the park where he usually plays. I think all these wants are normal, and are not ridiculous. Though it hasn't come up, I think it would be reasonable for XH to want to see how DS lives.
We try very, very, very hard to be neutral about XH. We don't sit around and sing his praises, but I have never said a negative word about him in front of DS. Denying XH entry to our home would be a hugely negative signal.
The ladies here gave me some really good suggestions that I think will hold it to a 10-15 minute thing, and I think that is a good compromise for everyone.
Lol! You can tell that I hate that woman?
Every family is different. We don't bash her in front of them, but they know how we feel. We just feel very strongly that we need to keep the lines bold and bright. There has been a divorce and their lives with each parent will be separate.
I really hope that your ex's visit goes well and without complications. : )
Yes, you're correct. Not every divorce has both sides at each other's throat and some divorces are amicable. I didn't mean that DD is ridiculous! In hindsight ridiculous was too strong a word. I meant that I she is obviously torn about having her ex-husband in the house and, in my opinion, her son should not think that having his father over for visits in his mother's house is a casual, normal thing.