anxiety about get-togethers...

amd1982

i'm sure many MoMs have written about this before - but I'm finding that I have a lot of anxiety when DH and I are invited places. on memorial day we went to SIL and BIL house for a cookout and it was a nightmare. their kids woke up the twins by opening the car door (sleeping in carseats) and literally ds opened his eyes and started wailing. he was off all afternoon - we had such a miserable time. we ended up leaving early and it was just a bad, stressful, experience.

fast forward to now - we're being invited to a bbq at a friends house. it's supposed to be an occasion where all of the babies "meet" each other haha. our twins are the oldest, and then the others are one and two months younger. but i'm just really nervous about going and messing up their naps and schedule. i feel like no one really understands since they're able to hand off the baby to their spouse, whereas dh and i can't do that. and lugging a pnp, bottles, etc - sometimes it's just so overwhelming it's not worth it. but then we feel a little isolated. how did you MoMs deal with this within the first year? is it normal? i don't want our friends or family to think we're being hermits. and i want to lead as normal a life as possible. but it's just hard when we know there's 3 hours of prep for a day where they are going to be off schedule, fussy, etc. help!

Brummy14

Lol. We still can't take the girls out into social situations with lots of people/other kids -- but even if we could, I totally wouldn't. Hell, a pediatrician trip wears ALL of us completely out. Even having a few people over to our house towards bedtime has proven to be disastrous to their schedules and ability to go down normally. So, yeah, it'll be a while before we attempt to venture out for "fun."

LoveTravel

It was the same for us when the boys were younger...now it's more of them geting along with the other kids that worry me.

I've done a few get togethers with some friends who had babies around the same age as the boys (by myself) and I found it VERY difficult...I felt awful missing out on some playgroups sometimes, but the work it took for me to make it there and then deal with the aftermath I thought it was best to stay home (most times).

Another option that might work, if you're up to it is have the get together at your house if it's possible?  You wouldn't have to take the babies out as you'd be home and they would be in their surroundings if you had to put them down for a nap and so on...

I'm anxious to see other MoM's replies on this one

mamatotwins0812

I'm glad you posted this and am interested in the replies. I have the same concerns, and like pp said, even people coming over close to bedtime has caused mayhem in our house. I can't say that we've let it stop us from doing anything, we just basically still do what we can and suffer the consequences (within reason of course). But I'm hoping some MoM has some great advice because it is HARD!!! 

shaunah816

I'm still struggling with this. My husband is more willing to throw caution to the wind and take them out more often, but I literally SWEAT from anxiety when we do. I think it does get better every time, because even if it winds up being a disaster I know we've done this before, and that it's OK if we have to pack up and leave (and get our dinners to go) early. I'm also learning that the boys will nap in odd places if they have to. We brought them to my niece's 2nd birthday party, and they both needed to nap, so we put Will in my niece's crib, and Andrew on some blankets on their bedroom floor, and they were totally fine. That gave me a lot of confidence, because I refuse to lug two PNPs around anytime we want to go somewhere.

I'm very interested to see the replies, because I have not mastered this by any means. IT WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER WITH ONE BABY!! 

projectbaby2012

I think it is totally normal to feel this way.  I find that with outings, we only schedule them around the babies' schedule.  It's a PITA for us, but I figure it's only this year and DH even agrees with me, as he sees how bad it is when they are that off.

Right now I find that having people over to my house works best.  This way, when it's nap time, I can put the boys in their cribs and still socialize with my friends and even their kids.  My boys go to bed early, so we've been having friends over for happy hour or dinner after the boys are down, which has been a lot of fun for me especially.

Another challenge, I've been active in my local MoM's group.  I've had "play dates" with a few other new twin mom's.  When the babies were younger (3-5 months) we did a lot of stroller walk meet ups, allowing babies to nap in strollers as needed.  Right now, we have a really hard time scheduling these times, as our kids are rarely on the same schedule.  So, we usually have each other over to each other's house.  This way, the host can put her babies to bed when they are ready and the visitor can come & go according to her babies' schedule. It's not ideal, but it works.  By next year, it will be a lot easier to get out.  And while it's a lot of work, I always feel really happy after getting together with friends, I miss my adult time.  And my boys love playing with someone else's toys and seeing something new during these outings. 

mirnb

I think most MOMs struggle with this.....but it does get easier! I think they key too is to be relaxed about it....discuss with SO which outings are important to you (and choose carefully!) and when they are just go for it and go with the flow! In our situation it is usually my husband who gets all wound up and I find this transfers to the boys! If we are relaxed, so are they! The thing I find the hardest is going to something like a BBQ where you all need to eat and if everyone has their own kids you have no help! Family things seem to work the best for us since their is usually a willing aunt or grandparent to help out! Just do what feels comfortable and if things go down hill its just a good story to tell later when you can laugh about it! I too find it easier to have friends over to our house so boys can nap and go to bed at regualr time!  

amd1982

Thx ladies. I think we are going to try and attend but do what you all suggested. Stay relaxed, be prepared and leave with enough time to get home for bedtime prep. Hoping we have a better experience than last weekend!!

wntrgrl83

I am totally the same way as you-- I guess it doesn't help I have a Type A personality... I do have anxiety at times about going out to certain places with DS and DD but as a lot of other people stated if I am calm, it seems like they stay calm as well... I hope things get better for you about feeling anxious about get togethers... I am told things do get easier-- and honestly it seems like they are getting easier for me as well..

tirsabel

I totally understand this feeling!  Another fellow MoM told me to just get out and do it, but with one kid with reflux barely staying on his growth curve, we feel overwhelmed to take them out for events. 

fortuntely/unfortunately we have a lot of family events coming up and most of them involve travel so we are left with little choice.  

We just survived a trip to Long island which was a 5 hour drive for us and we literally moved into the hotel for liek 3-4 days and just did what we had to do and prepared for the worst, hoped for the best. everyone thought we would bring our kids to every even but we only took them to the wedding ceremony and had a local nanny come by and to do bathtime and put them to bed and stay with them.  we left events early so we could get some rest because their feedings were off and they were getting up in the middle of the night  

we like to think we just barely survived - none of our friends at the event have kids yet and so that was an interesting aspect also.

we have our first flight with the kids next week so we will see how that goes!

MrsLnt

Get-togethers in the first 9 months or so were really, really hard. After about 3-4 months mine would only nap in their cribs (and even that wasn't a given) so we had to sit out of a lot of things, since, for my kids, missing a nap snowballed into several days of bad sleep, and I am a SAHM without much help. So the few hours of socialization would end up being days (and nights) worth of misery for me and not worth it. We tried it, failed, and decided that missing naps was just not an option for our family. 

Our solution was to only attend things that were not at the babies' naptime. After about 7 months they stopped taking the 3rd nap, so they were up from about 3pm until bedtime, so we were able to do things at that point. I had "friends" that just didn't get it and tell me I was doing things wrong, that I needed to teach them to sleep better, etc.  If people really care about you, they'll understand that your have little babies and their needs are priority one right now. My ILs were very skeptical of our scheduling at first but they see how happy and fun our kids are when we do stuff and they are totally on board now.  

As for the isolation, I made friends with at few MoMs in my local group. We did playdates in the late afternoon, after everyone had napped and there was no stress about bottles, etc.  In that first year, it only seemed like other MoMs got the importance of keeping a schedule. 

Hang in there - yours are at a tough age - coming out of the newborn stage, but still doing lots of itty bitty infant stuff, too. Around 7 months or so, things get really fun and once they drop the 3rd nap, you have a lot more freedom to do stuff in the afternoon. It does get easier! 

 

Ruthie04

We rarely socialize these days, but we just go with the babies' schedules when we do go out. Our friends understand the importance of naps and we just show up when they are awake. We will push them a bit to stay up, but they usually do really well as long as we hold them. Thank goodness for Ergos!! We never stay anywhere for more than a couple of hours and the boys usually fall asleep fast in the car on the way home. Friends have been great about coming over, although I really hate hosting, so we haven't had any organized social events since they were born. 

Things have gotten much easier in the past six weeks. The boys are okay playing independently and they are usually so happy to just observe the outside world and new people. However, we really are hermits. We've been on one date since they were born and it was after they were already asleep!  It doesn't really bother us, but we are homebodies. I guess things will improve, but I think social isolation is just part of the bargain for now. I figure we'll have all sorts of new social events as they age and make friends of their own, so I'm sure we'll make up for this time in spades! 

caden

It is hard, but it does get a lot easier over time so even if you have to go into hermit-mode sometimes it won't last forever. My kids refused to nap in other people's houses so eventually (and this got easier as they got older b/c they stayed up longer) I would just go home when it got to be nap time. Or let them stay up a bit longer than usual until they got cranky, then leave and let them sleep in the car on the way back home (and drive around until they had slept a decent amount of time). If your kids will nap in a PNP at other houses then you're good. Sure it's a lot of organizing, but it's worth it IMO to be able to talk to other adults. My kids are 2.5 yrs now and I've just learnt over time that (1) I need to be braver b/c it's usually worth it to go out even if it doesn't go well and (2) It's ok to pack up and leave if things go really badly. I was way too hermit-like the first year of my twins' lives. I wish I had tried harder to socialize b/c my kids hate people now. I'm convinced it's b/c I hardly ever took them to public places when they were little.

kiwi443

LoveTravel:

It was the same for us when the boys were younger...now it's more of them geting along with the other kids that worry me.

I've done a few get togethers with some friends who had babies around the same age as the boys (by myself) and I found it VERY difficult...I felt awful missing out on some playgroups sometimes, but the work it took for me to make it there and then deal with the aftermath I thought it was best to stay home (most times).

Another option that might work, if you're up to it is have the get together at your house if it's possible?  You wouldn't have to take the babies out as you'd be home and they would be in their surroundings if you had to put them down for a nap and so on...

I'm anxious to see other MoM's replies on this one

This worked best for us during the first year. We did go to other people's homes sometimes, but when my girls were taking morning naps it was more convenient to host. I have a 3 year old and he acts out more when we have people over though . It wasn't always easy but I really wanted to stay connected with friends so I tried to push through the hard times with the knowledge that it would get easier - and it has!

We do draw the line at going to functions that interfere with afternoon naptime. All 3 of ours really need a solid nap or things go downhill. Fast.