Differences in grief

princezjk

Does anyone feel like their dh or other significant other is having an easier time coping then they are?  My husband is wonderful and beyond supportive, but it just seems that he is coping so much better. Not that he isn't affected by our loss, but just handling it better. He keeps telling me how strong I am, but I just feel like I am almost becoming a burden on him because I feel like I am just struggling to function and he is getting along okay. Just wondering if anyone else is dealing with or has dealt with a similar situation. 

amandager99

I feel exactly the same way.  DH has been great and incredibly supportive and encouraging  to me.  I recognize that everyone grieves differently, and even though I know this isn't easy for him, he makes it look so easy.  For him, he needs to get out and "do" right now but I'm needing to not "do" and really just feel everything.  I have a feeling within the next few weeks our roles will reverse.  I know he is trying to be strong for me, but I'm scared he won't have the opportunity to grieve in doing so.  

lrichmond86

Ticker warning



First, I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this. I have been on this board for almost a year and a half now and this is by far one of the most common challenges that we loss moms face. You are not alone! Men and women grieve differently. Sometimes that makes for a difficult time feeling like you're maintaining the roles you had in the relationship prior to the loss. It's really hard and often painful. The light is at the end of the tunnel, though. Once my husband and I understood how the other grieved and we were able to support each other in that, our relationship has become stronger than ever. It's going to be challenging at times, but stick with it. Like everything else I'm this journey, it does get better. Big hugs!

GinaM108

This is hard, and you're absolutely not alone here.  My husband and I are definitely dealing with our grief differently, too.  He seeks out the distractions, wants to keep himself busy.  He doesn't often want to talk about it, though he will listen to me if I really need to talk.  It's tough, because women need the face time to process and work through our emotions.  Men....well, not quite as much.

 I have to remind myself regularly that we are both grieving, but it looks so different for each of us.  I, too, feel like I'm a total wreck, unstable and not fit for human company.  He reminds me that not only do I have to deal with the emotional side of things, but I am still also dealing with the physical recovery and hormones that normally go along with giving birth.

 I have been reminded to cut myself some slack, and that I do not have to be okay just because I think other people expect me to.

 We're right there with you.  Hang in there. 

scorch

(I'm not sure how technically correct my wording here is so bear with me.  I heard it on a Radiolab podcast and its haunted me for a few days.)

 

When a baby is developing they used to think that mama cells and baby cells didn't mix, until they found them in a post partum mama.  Then they thought that those cells worked thier way out in the weeks post partum, until they tested a mama in her 80s and she still had those fetal cells in her body.  When you've had a baby growing in you, they become a part of you in every way, emotionally,physically literally figuratively possible.  And men just don't have that connection.   Thier emotional contribution is equal to thier psysical contribution, ie, the one little sperm cell that got he ball rolling in the first place.  You are so fortunate to have a spouse that is so understanding loving and caring.  You're not a burden at all, and I think he really wants to take care of you right now.  He is grieving the loss of his child, but he also didn't know your child the way that you did.  

Im so sorry for your loss. 

shandorfml2

lrichmond86:

Ticker warning First, I'm so sorry that you're struggling with this. I have been on this board for almost a year and a half now and this is by far one of the most common challenges that we loss moms face. You are not alone! Men and women grieve differently. Sometimes that makes for a difficult time feeling like you're maintaining the roles you had in the relationship prior to the loss. It's really hard and often painful. The light is at the end of the tunnel, though. Once my husband and I understood how the other grieved and we were able to support each other in that, our relationship has become stronger than ever. It's going to be challenging at times, but stick with it. Like everything else I'm this journey, it does get better. Big hugs!

I agree. I've seen many posts about this in the last 3 months I've been here. It is normal to grieve differently. My husband didn't want to break down in front of me, but we've gotten good at "trading off". He is in therapy, as am I. We also both go to a support group, and when he needs to he'll go out with friends. Take it easy on each other, it will get easier with time. 

angelsnight

Yes, my husband did not cry once that I know of.  Me on the other hand, I would burst into tears at any random time and I never knew when it would happen.  I even had to leave a store one day because I saw my daughter's name on a Tshirt sample and I started crying right there in the store.

I know he loves our daughter and I know he was devastated, but not seeing him cry and seeing him being able to function and even smile most days was hard for me.  He did amazing for three weeks afterward, and then I could see his grief coming out in his temper.  He would get mad at the littlest thing, even at me.  He wasn't mad at me, but it had to land somewhere and often on me.  He would irrationally accuse me of not giving him his space, saying he needed to go to the gym and out with his friends and I wasn't giving him his space....but I didn't understand that because I always encouraged him to go.

I think he struggled a lot because he felt this overwhelming urge to be strong for me and not show his grief because he knew it would crush me even more to see him upset.  I hate it, but it's true.  If he hadn't been able to stay composed and strong, I don't know if I could have gotten through it.  I think he was angry that it had to be that way, she was his daughter too.  And he got angry because he so desperately needed to go out and get his mind of things, but he couldn't stop worrying about me home by myself....of course he knew I wasn't doing anything to make him feel that way, it just was what it was.

It's been over two months now and we're doing a lot better.  Now that I am back to work I think he knows he doesn't need to worry about me as much now.  His anger has definitely calmed down.  I'm sorry that you're dealing with this, it's very hard to see our husbands grieving differently, but men and women really do grieve differently and it's very normal.  My suggestion is to talk to him....we talked about our daughter all the time and it was very helpful to hear how he was feeling, so when I saw him looking like he was fine, I knew deep down he wasn't.

OSUWifey09

***SIGGY WARNING***

 

 

When we first lost Devon, I was a mess. I was up and down for months - I think I just finally started to feel mentally stable last month, after counseling started. But H was fine and able to move on with his life after a few weeks. He was the same way when he lost his dad to cancer in 2007 - he barely cried. He grew up learning not to show any emotion, so he's internalized a lot of his pain for most of his life.

H asked me one day last November if I was finally ready to move on, and I lost it. We got into this huge fight about how different we grieve [and how he should NEVER tell me when it's time for me to "move on"], and he finally admitted that he'd spent a lot of his alone time crying the first month after we lost Devon. He didn't get why it was so hard for me to cope with losing Devon, so I explained it to him. I didn't get why in the world he was already past it, so he explained that while he wasn't over it, he had accepted that we would never have him back, and he just had to move forward so that the grief didn't take both of us down. After that blowout, we understood each other's feelings more, and we both have been more sensitive to the other's feelings.

It's amazing how different men and women grieve. I knew that we would grieve differently, but I never thought the difference would almost cause a rift in our relationship. It's tough, but talking it out definitely helped us.

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***SIGGY WARNING***

 

 

As others have said, men and women grieve differently.  After we lost our son, a couple we know came over to visit and talk with us.  They lost their son to cancer a few years back.  To this day, they are the only people who truly gave us any advise we could use and it was to simply be patient with each other.  Just because DH is holding it together now doesn't mean he won't break down when you're finally feeling better.  Being patient and understanding that just because he's not as outwardly upset as you doesn't mean he's not hurting too.

Heatherhah

I just posted something about  this below. My DH told me that he was very upset when DD died but he knew it hit me harder because she was with me for so long inside me and he didn't get to experience the bond that we had together. He was going to bond with her when she was born but she died so he didn't get that chance.

it is that saying that a mom becomes a mom the minute that stick turns to positive but a dad becomes a dad when he holds his baby for the first time. Men are so different then we are some cry and some don't. Mine did but not often after the first 3 weeks. He started working out to work out his sadness it worked for him. Me crying worked and keeping busy all the time.

I'm sorry this is so tough it does get easier I promise.

Heather 

cawettig

I just posted the same feelings on the board too. I feel like he is handling it so well and that he is over it. He is able to go through the day without breaking down and crying, I can't. It is very frustrating to see them cope in different ways then us.  DH said today that it hurts inside, he just doesn't show it on the outside. He even said when we were on the way home from the movie the other day that he was doing everything he could to hold it in because he kept thinking about the moment we were told that her heart stopped beating. 

I feel like a burden too, that is why sometimes I just hold it in around him. I try not to but I can't help it. I feel like I am such a burden.