husband not respecting me as a working mom

wildcat99

Hi all-I lurk on this board a lot and find a lot of support here, so thanks!  I work full time + a lot of overtime, supporting our family.  I love my career, and would not be a good full time stay at home mom (although I do wish I could go part time).  My husband does not work-he has been through multiple layoffs, and has actually been unemployed through most of our marriage.  He's not trying particularly hard to find a job either.  He does care for our two year old daughter and does OK with that.  We typically do OK until we visit his family-I am the first woman in his family to have a career outside the home.  Well, we visited last weekend and for 4 days all I heard was how lucky I was to work-it was so hard to stay home (I agree with some of that statement)-and that it must be nice to have a husband to do everything for me (I do a lot of the housework-they just all think I'm pretty lazy).  Both my MIL and SIL made it very clear that I was not a good parent.  My husband not only doesn't stand up for me, but when we get home, he spends the next week pointing out all of the things I do wrong as a parent as well (apparently it's all my fault our daughter is a picky eater, doesn't want to nap, and doesn't like her carseat!)  If I wasn't working-and so on, and so forth.  So, this is partly a vent, and partly a question-how do I get my husband to respect me?  Today he told me I was a terrible person and a terrible mother!  If this doesn't change soon, he may find himself out on the street (or moving back in with MIL).

daisy662

I would find it hard not to say to my MIL - maybe if your son got off his butt and got a job I would have the time to help more at home. Love these women who never had a career and who truely believe work is all fun and games. Being a working mom is hard, being a sahm is a different kind of hard. If I were you I would no longer be spending time with these toxic people. And I agree that if your DH doesn't get his act together, you should get into counseling. Please don't have any more children until you figure all this out. Best of luck and I am sorry you are dealing with crazy in laws. Mine are crazy to but a different kind of crazy. It sucks!

StayingSecret

What does your husband really want?  For you to quit your job and neither of you to have an income?  I'd ask him that point-blank.  Then schedule an appointment with a counselor.  Sounds like he is having issues with the roles in the family.

sadie+w

I'm sorry but it sounds like your H is a huge jerk. I would absolutely not put up with him not standing up for you or saying those things to you. I am not sure what to tell you other than to please seek marriage counseling. Best of luck.

Ya Never Know

StayingSecret:

What does your husband really want?  For you to quit your job and neither of you to have an income?  I'd ask him that point-blank.  Then schedule an appointment with a counselor.  Sounds like he is having issues with the roles in the family.

I'd have to agree with this. Something is clearly not right if he's saying you're a terrible mother and terrible person. Either he's having issues dealing with his role or yours, but what does he expect you guys to live off of if he's not willing to get a job and stick with it? I would also ask him that. Sorry that you're going through a rough time.

EastCoastBride

I agree- ask him what it is that he wants. 

And I also agree, I wouldn't be spending anymore time w/his family if thats how they AND HE treat you. 

Right now he sounds like an a$$.  But... I think you need to dig into the root of the issue is.  YOu both may need counseling, and HE alone may need counseling (if he's having trouble w/ the concept of being a SAHD in a family where this isn't the norm). 

But also, you might need to delve into what his life is like at home.  You work FT AND you work a lot of OT.  Do you need the OT for $$, or do you do it just because you love it?  I ask in that maybe he "needs" you homemore.  Is there room for that? 

Right now this is about how upset you are and how he doesn't understand. But I think you need to consider this situation in the reverse too.

bumpuser511563

I have been through what you have been through. DH was a breadwinner from the start of our engagement. He was laid off 3 times in the 6 years we have been together.

Then I finally get a good job at the university and DH had so much jealousy because I was working and he was not. And to think his mom was a single working mom of 3 kids. I remember he expected me to clean and be on top of all chores and take care of DS when he was a baby. He decided to go to school.

DH went to go see a school counselor at the college to try to figure it all out. He pretty much struggled with the roles of the household, too.

He snapped out of it when he had to take care of DS when the daycare said it would be cheaper for us to keep DS home for a month over the holiday season. DH did not realize how much I had to do. He even thought it was good that I was working because how else were we going to survive.

I did end up still helping DH get a job where I worked for a time. Then he found a better opportunity and then was laid off for the past 2 years. He has been in school but his responsibilities are all errands, most chores, driving around picking DS and I up and dropping us off. He has to take care of the budget. He is still is looking for work.

How is your DH going to find work if he is taking care of your DD? You both need to find some alternative care for your DD while he goes out there and apply for work.

 

 

itsmevkb

Just a guess, but it sounds to me like he's struggling with not having a job and then taking out his insecurities on you.  It's not right and hopefully he can get some counseling - both marriage counseling and career counseling. 

LoCarb

EastCoastBride:

I agree- ask him what it is that he wants. 

And I also agree, I wouldn't be spending anymore time w/his family if thats how they AND HE treat you. 

Right now he sounds like an a$$.  But... I think you need to dig into the root of the issue is.  YOu both may need counseling, and HE alone may need counseling (if he's having trouble w/ the concept of being a SAHD in a family where this isn't the norm). 

But also, you might need to delve into what his life is like at home.  You work FT AND you work a lot of OT.  Do you need the OT for $$, or do you do it just because you love it?  I ask in that maybe he "needs" you homemore.  Is there room for that? 

Right now this is about how upset you are and how he doesn't understand. But I think you need to consider this situation in the reverse too.

This is what I was thinking. Well said ECB.

IBackBevo

I wonder perhaps if your H is deflecting because he is embarrassed about not being a provider.  Clearly, you can't quit or be a SAHM because you are the sole breadwinner.  Is there a chance he feels inadequate or is jealous of your career and that is why he is lashing out at you? 

I don't know your husband personally so perhaps he is lazy.  However, I can tell you that being out of work for a long period can really eat away at your self-esteem and after awhile you do stop looking for a job with the same gusto that you once did just because it feels like you will never find anything again.  Again, I don't know if that is the situation here, but just throwing it out there. 

Ultimately, I think you and your husband need to get in counseling.  I absolutely think that he needs to respect you and stand up for you to your in-laws.  The later has been an issue in my own marriage.  It sucks.