Feeling so guilty

amandager99

From the moment I woke up this morning I've been in a near constant state of wanting to cry and have a few times. Every moment of today is going to be consumed with the thoughts of what happened last Saturday. I'm also starting to feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. Logically I know it's not my fault and there's nothing different we could have done. However, all I can think about is there was nothing wrong with our little guy and it was my body that caused this. I'm going to hate Saturdays for awhile.

Noethola

Yes you will hate them for a while. I was about 20 weeks out from our loss by the time I stopped counting by weeks how much time had passed. Some Saturdays pass ok now (we delivered on a Sat too) and then just this morning was another meltdown. I literally laid on the floor in her room, holding her blanket and cried for over an hour. 

Feeling guilty is normal and natural. We thought the safest places our babies could be is inside our wombs. There is a sense of betrayal, and soon it will morph into doubting your fertility as well. (Its normal to think that too.) A lot of thoughts that are not true will enter your mind. 

As a mother, you did the very best you could to protect your baby. Do not doubt that. The reality for many of us is that we will never know what might have caused our children's hearts to stop beating.  Wish I could give you a big hug!

 

princezjk

It's been 2 weeks today for me since delivering my sweet angel and I am also having a really hard day. It's 2pm and I only just managed to get out of bed. I tried earlier but was overcome with guilt. Everyone keeps asking how I am coping with my grief, but at this point I feel I am struggling much more with my guilt. I hope all of our days get better and I hope we all can find the peace we need.

AmyChristine15

It pains me to hear all these posts, but I, too am feeling the same. Saturdays suck. Why did my body not do what it was supposed to do? It's been 3 weeks now and my due date is two days away. I take three steps forward and then two steps back. I have a feeling though between today and Monday, I'm going to have a very difficult time. 

Williamandshawnna

I'm so sorry. I remember when I counted the weeks, My water broke on a Sunday, I delivered our boys on a Monday. I would count the Sundays, Mondays and the hours, 3:17am was when I delivered our first son and for some reason my mind, for weeks would not allow me to sleep during that time AM or PM, I would always wake up or find myself looking at the time at that exact moment. I now count the months, 11 almost 12 months later there are still some Sundays and Monday that are hard.

HUGS

Shawnna

shandorfml2

I'm so sorry everyone is having a hard day. The first month post loss is the hardest, and it will get easier I promise. I felt a pang of guilt today when I forgot how many weeks it had been. I quickly checked, and it's 13. You did everything you could do to keep your baby(ies) safe, and we all are wonderful Mothers. We've had to make some of the most difficult decisions parents should never have to make. Sending lots of love to you all.

cawettig

I have had the same kind of day too, I didn't even get out of bed till one and finally took a shower at three. All day I have been hating my body. I blame myself all the time. I am so scarred that the same thing will happen again. 

JessicaG220

I feel like this all the time.  It's so difficult to not blame yourself, since we as women are responsible for caring for our babies, and they cannot survive without us.  I wish we had more control over what happens, though.  It's tough to process the fact that even though we are responsible, we cannot control everything.  As careful as we are, unfortunate things just happen.  I feel guilty for not going to the doctor in the days prior to my loss when I felt her moving less.  But it doesn't benefit me to dwell on the things I wish I had done.  I hate Wednesdays... particularly Tuesday nights because that's when I realized I hadn't felt her move.  And I can't help but wonder if my McDonald's milkshake impacted anything.  But you did nothing wrong!  Try not to be too hard on yourself.