Annoyed with DH

mavs_girl07

We moved into a new 2 story house a few months ago.  DD used to be a good sleeper, but since moving has started waking up 2-3 times a night.  She says she's scared upstairs, wants someone to pat her back for a minute, etc.  It never takes more than a few minutes to get her back to sleep, but I admit it is a huge PITA going up and down the stairs.  I usually am the one to go to her, but sometimes if I'm too exhausted or if I've already been up there once I'll ask DH to go to her.  And every.single.time he comes back down stairs with her and lets her sleep with us.  It would be one thing if it was 5:00 in the morning, but we're talking 11:00, 12:00, 1:00 so she ends up in bed with us most of the night.  I absolutely hate it because she is always all OVER me so I can't sleep.  I typically end up finding another bed in another room.  He knows how much I hate it, but keeps doing it.  So last night he did it again and I said "Ok really?  So either I get up with her every single time, every single night, or she ends up in our bed and I have to sleep somewhere else?"  He said "Yep pretty much.  She'll probably just be up again in another couple hours, and I'm not going up there again."  I'm just really irritated that 1. he's completely disregarding my feelings on this, and 2. I feel like he's just reinforcing her waking up.  She loves sleeping in our bed, so why wouldn't she keep waking up in hopes that he'll go up there and just let her sleep with us?  Do I have a right to be annoyed?  WWYD?

BluepointToasted

I would be super annoyed, but it would probably just make me do it myself.  I used to make my husband get up on the weekends, and it was such a major production the baby ended up being awake for 2 hours instead of the 20 minutes it would take with me.  Sometimes I think it is his passive aggressive way of making me get up, but in all honesty I think that a.) kids respond differently to their dads and b.) dads can be softies and give in easier

klondikebar

I'd be really annoyed. I'm glad DH and I were on the same page about not having the kids sleep in our beds. DH and I have separate beds and I know my youngest would've wanted to crawl in with me, not DH. Not happening. I wouldn't get any sleep.

mavs_girl07

BluepointToasted:

I would be super annoyed, but it would probably just make me do it myself.  I used to make my husband get up on the weekends, and it was such a major production the baby ended up being awake for 2 hours instead of the 20 minutes it would take with me.  Sometimes I think it is his passive aggressive way of making me get up, but in all honesty I think that a.) kids respond differently to their dads and b.) dads can be softies and give in easier

I keep telling myself I'll just have to do it.  The problem is I already struggle with my own sleep issues.  And it's killing me because it never fails that by the time I finally get to sleep, she is waking me up.  It's maddening to lay there for hours and then finally start to drift off, only to hear "Moommmmmyyyyy!!"

mavs_girl07

IrishCoffee7:

That's really disrespectful of him and setting a bad precedent for your daughter.  Especially because you and your husband are clearly not presenting a united front to her...she knows which parent she can get away with it with. 

TBH that would piss me off because DH and I try to handle that kind of stuff consistently so DS knows the rules are the same with both parents.  And because your DH is disregarding your need to actually sleep, since she's clinging to YOU not to him.  I wouldn't put up with it frankly.  He's a parent too, it's his job to go to her on occasion.  And it's his responsibility as a husband to work with you and not just tell you "tough cookies".

 

Thanks, you worded it well.  I feel extremely disrespected and he's showing blatant disregard for my feelings.  He does this often with many issues, and I'm so tired of getting the "So how long are you gonna be mad about this?" line.  He makes me feel like any issue that I'm upset over is just petty and ridiculous. 

Kitiara5512

Why are you sleeping on a different floor than the kid? If you have to give up your downstairs master bedroom to take a secondary bedroom upstairs, you should.

suv75

He's being a douche!

MintBerryCrunch

Kitiara5512:

Why are you sleeping on a different floor than the kid? If you have to give up your downstairs master bedroom to take a secondary bedroom upstairs, you should.

Yeah, I would do this out of sheer laziness. Getting out of bed is annoying as is, I can't imagine having to go up and down stairs all night. Since you mentioned there are other beds, could you potentially relocate your kid to your floor for a while or is everything upstairs? Maybe if she was on the same level she wouldn't be as scared and would sleep better?

ASmallWonder

CTGirl30:

Your H sounds like he's at his limit of resources for dealing effectively with the night wakings...and it's not exactly respectful of your needs to blatantly ignore your wishes of NOT bringing your DD into bed with you. With his behavior aside for a moment...what else have you tried to address the root cause of all this? Your daughter is 4 by your ticker so she's old enough to be given some tools to cope with her night time fears and hopefully break this pattern of needing a parent to come up there and rub her back. Does she have a flashlight she can sleep with? A nightlight? A friend of mine put up Christmas lights in her 4 yr olds room...looks pretty but also makes it way less dark so helps with that, too. Ideally the ultimate goal is getting back to NO night wakings and issues but transitions can take time with a new house and new room and being on a whole other floor from Mom and Dad. But your H really needs to be acting as a team player here and not having a separate set of rules for this stuff. Kids will play you like a violin once they figure out what they can and can't get away with...so really he's taking the easy way out and being a douche about it with you.

I agree with all this.  I wouldn't be regularly getting up with a 4 year old multiple times overnight.  DS wakes up some nights and we go to him but if it was almost every night, no.  And also, we stop going to him when we know we're being played because some nights it just keeps happening because he's bored or just can't sleep.  Tough noogies, harsh as it may sound. 

mavs_girl07

CTGirl30:

Your H sounds like he's at his limit of resources for dealing effectively with the night wakings...and it's not exactly respectful of your needs to blatantly ignore your wishes of NOT bringing your DD into bed with you. With his behavior aside for a moment...what else have you tried to address the root cause of all this? Your daughter is 4 by your ticker so she's old enough to be given some tools to cope with her night time fears and hopefully break this pattern of needing a parent to come up there and rub her back. Does she have a flashlight she can sleep with? A nightlight? A friend of mine put up Christmas lights in her 4 yr olds room...looks pretty but also makes it way less dark so helps with that, too. Ideally the ultimate goal is getting back to NO night wakings and issues but transitions can take time with a new house and new room and being on a whole other floor from Mom and Dad. But your H really needs to be acting as a team player here and not having a separate set of rules for this stuff. Kids will play you like a violin once they figure out what they can and can't get away with...so really he's taking the easy way out and being a douche about it with you.

I agree, she's definitely too old to be doing this.  Like I said, she used to be an awesome sleeper until we moved.  She's never done well with change, so I knew moving to a new house would totally throw her off.  Which it has.  We've done numerous things...a fish tank with a dim light that stays on all night as her night light.  She has a couple of stuffed animals she's attached to that she sleeps with.  Also a dream lite that she really wanted, so she could turn the light on if she got scared.  To be honest I blame DH with the whole back-rubbing habit.  When we first moved into this house, she gave us some difficulty with going to sleep at bedtime.  DH is the one that puts her to bed, and realized it was so quick and easy to rub her back for 5-10mins and poof she was out.  No dealing with bedtime battles or fears, she was asleep and it was done.  But I think she's become reliant on it and now wakes up needing/wanting it.  That's part of what annoys the crap out of me in this situation, because I feel like he helped create this monster.  

proudworkingmom82

I would be super pissed.  My DD is the same age as yours and I can not stand sleeping in the same bed with her.  I also have sleep issues and it's horrible to start to drift off and then get woken up.  

MooOink

KlondikeBar:

I'd be really annoyed. I'm glad DH and I were on the same page about not having the kids sleep in our beds. DH and I have separate beds and I know my youngest would've wanted to crawl in with me, not DH. Not happening. I wouldn't get any sleep.

Can I be nosey?

Why do you have seperate beds? Are you in seperate rooms as well?

My parents always had seperate rooms.