Mixed Emotions

JessicaG220

Hi ladies,

I have found myself posting more and more frequently on here... It seems to really be helping. Thanks

It's weird... I go through the same cycle of emotions and thoughts every day. I get to work and I feel ok. I can think about Ava and I feel like I'm coming to terms with everything. I do t like it, but I feel like I've accepted it and I can feel happy about the short 7 months I got to spend with her. And I feel hopeful and optimistic about trying again. I feel excited about being pregnant again and getting to take home our baby.

Then the afternoon comes. I feel so, so sad. The though of another baby upsets me because I feel like I don't want another. I want HER. Perfect, beautiful Ava. I am so angry and I feel so depressed and lost. And seeing other pregnant women hurts so badly. All of my morning optimism has diminished and I just feel hopeless again. Ugh.

Then the next day comes and the cycle repeats. It's bizarre. It makes me wonder if I'll ever be "ok".

I have an appointment today to see a specialist. He is going to look at an MRI of my uterus and hopefully rule out my uterine septum as a cause for my loss. I am anxious, but at the same time I just want to know so I can move forward and get the green light to try again. This entire thing sucks. I miss my baby girl.

shandorfml2

I feel the same way I think part of it is being so tired from holding it together all day, by the evening I'm just wiped. I think one day we will be "ok" but it will take time. It really sucks. Big time.

cawettig

Its easier in the morning, by evening I am crying and trying to pull it together. I remember how in the beginning I would cry all day. I would even wake up crying. I feel like if I do get a bit better and learn to cope then I am getting over her and I feel horrible when I think that. I know I will never be "ok" about it. I am with you about seeing other pregnant women. My chest burns when I see them.

I hope your MRI goes okay, please let us know what they say. I miss Arianna too; I find myself holding onto my belly a lot. When I do though it starts hurting again because I want her back in there so bad.

I hope we can find balance in our life and learn how to be around other pregnant women with out it hurting so much. 

angelsnight

I can totally relate.  Except mine is opposite.  In the morning I would give anything to crawl back into bed and not face the world.  But once I shower and get to work I feel a lot better.  I also feel pretty bad on Sunday night because I have the whole work week ahead of me again.

I also get excited thinking about getting our rainbow baby, but it also makes me sad.  Right now we're looking at a winter due date if I get pregnant soon, but I don't want a winter baby, or spring or fall, I want my July baby.  Part of me really wants another girl, not to replace her, but once we found out she was a girl I was so in love with the idea of having a girl (before that I was perfectly fine with either).  But then sometimes I get sad because even the idea of another girl doesn't make me happy, because I just want HER.

But in a way, it kind of makes sense and not feeling these things would seem very wrong.  It's only been a couple months since we lost her, if I were perfectly fine by now that would feel wrong.  It would also feel wrong if we were perfectly happy with just any baby.  Of course we all want our rainbow and we want it enough to try again, but our babies were their own person.  They cannot be replaced, we aren't going to be 100% satisfied over another baby because to us they aren't just interchangeable babies, they were OUR babies and we love and miss them.  We'll love our rainbow babies too, but we'll never stop missing or loving our angel babies.

cawettig

angelsnight:

I can totally relate.  Except mine is opposite.  In the morning I would give anything to crawl back into bed and not face the world.  But once I shower and get to work I feel a lot better.  I also feel pretty bad on Sunday night because I have the whole work week ahead of me again.

I also get excited thinking about getting our rainbow baby, but it also makes me sad.  Right now we're looking at a winter due date if I get pregnant soon, but I don't want a winter baby, or spring or fall, I want my July baby.  Part of me really wants another girl, not to replace her, but once we found out she was a girl I was so in love with the idea of having a girl (before that I was perfectly fine with either).  But then sometimes I get sad because even the idea of another girl doesn't make me happy, because I just want HER.

But in a way, it kind of makes sense and not feeling these things would seem very wrong.  It's only been a couple months since we lost her, if I were perfectly fine by now that would feel wrong.  It would also feel wrong if we were perfectly happy with just any baby.  Of course we all want our rainbow and we want it enough to try again, but our babies were their own person.  They cannot be replaced, we aren't going to be 100% satisfied over another baby because to us they aren't just interchangeable babies, they were OUR babies and we love and miss them.  We'll love our rainbow babies too, but we'll never stop missing or loving our angel babies.

 

Reading your post made me cry because I feel the same way of wanting Arianna back. I will never stop missing and loving her. I hope for a rainbow baby, I think about that in a way I want a girl again; but then I think that I want a boy because I don't want to dress another girl in Arianna's clothes that I picked out for her, I don't want another girl wearing Arianna's blinged out baby shoes. I know I would be happy with either a girl or a boy but it hurts so bad thinking that Arianna should be here... 

fluttergirlmoonchild79

***SIGGY WARNING****

 

Welcome to the cycle of grief.  I'd heard about the 5 stages of grief but figured they happened by having #1 for a while, then #2, then #3, etc.  Nope!  In any given day I can have 3, 2, 5, 1,3, 2,5, 4, 2, 4, 1.  And I'll be the first to tell you it's annoying as heck!

The good news is that this process is necessary to find your way to manage your grief while also functioning in your daily life.  You may not feel like it but you're making progress on your journey.  I know that in some ways you don't want to, but being able to feel like you're a functioning member of society is a wonderful thing.  Our children all want that for us.

Wishing you peace and love.

JessicaG220

Gosh, I feel like you ladies are reading my mind!!!! I feel the exact same way. I want a little girl so badly because I had my heart set on her, but then I feel like another girl will make me sad. But you know what? I will be happy either way to have a healthy baby, girl or boy!!!