Schedule question/ideas — The Bump
Blended Families

Schedule question/ideas

I know there have been many discussions about schedules on this board, but I'm looking specifically for schedule ideas when the two parents live about 40 minutes apart. Anyone here in that situation? 

Right now SO keeps an apartment in the city where his ex lives, but that isn't financially feasible anymore so he will be living full-time with me in a town about 40 minutes away. He has his kids every other weekend and either one or two days during the week. Now that he won't have that apartment anymore, his ex is saying that having the kids during the week will be a "hardship" on them and wants to change the schedule to only every other weekend. It looks like things are going to court no matter what, but I'm trying to encourage him not to think about what's "fair" for him (50/50 split), and more about what is easier and more stable/comfortable for the kids.

 Anyway, I thought you ladies might be able to share some of the schedules you work with, to get the creative juices flowing here. Thanks for your help! 


Re: Schedule question/ideas

  • I think it will be a hardship on both parties to keep the during the week visitation, unless you guys are willing to pick the kids up from school/day care and return them in the morning. But even then, that sounds like a pain in the too.

    And yeah, there is no fair here. I don't think a 50/50 split is possible if they are school aged.

    To maximize your weekends though, I would go to a model where you pick the kids up from school on Fridays and take them back Sunday night or to school in the morning since I would assume he still works in the city, yes? And if he's working there, then maybe he could take them for dinner once a week, if you're cool with him coming home late those nights. 



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  • I am a step mom and I would not want my SS having to travel 40 minutes each way to visit one of his parents.  This is your SO's problem. He needs to figure out how to maximize his time with his kids.

    When DH and I were looking to move from one house ( 10 miles from where SS lived with his mom) one of the conditions was that he wouldn't have to travel in the car more than 20 minutes.  

  • It takes 40 minutes to get from one end of town to the other where I live.  I wouldn't give up my time with my kids because the drive time sucks.  That's just me, though.  If you go to EOW, I'd push for entire or majority of the summers and school breaks or something similar to make it more even. 
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  • 40 minutes is nothing. Where do you all live that 40 minutes is a hardship? It was 40 minutes to get to my high school.

    Does your SO work in that city still? Will he still be driving there for work anyway?
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  • Forty minutes one way is a decent part of my day, particularly if we're talking after school with activities and such. 


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  • We live 45 min from BM on a good day. On a not so nice traffic day it is more like an hour plus drive. We still get the kids 2 days a week and every other weekend. It is not a hardship on SS6 or SD6, I think it would be harder for them to not come home those days. Sometimes it is a hardship on us financially but it is important for DH and I to be involved so we make whatever sacrifice that needs to be made. I don't mean to be harsh but I think living 40 min away is just an excuse and not a good one. It is not you SC fault that DH is giving up the apartment.
  • When I was going through this myself I made the trip and it was a little over 40 minutes. I drove both ways even though we were supposed to meet in the middle for that as well as weekend visits. I always drove both ways. I had time to do it though. It really depends on your situation with time and money for travel. and yes.. definitely the child's best interest.
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  • For mid week, if he is there with the kids in the same city for work, I don't understand why he would come straight home instead of picking up the kids, hanging out with them and having dinner (even if it's a packed dinner of sandwiches from home and fruit at a local park) then dropping them home.  Kids don't have the drive, they get time with him.  if they have activities he can take them.

    That is what DH asked for and was denied because he could not leave work to pick up at 3 PM.  BM and skids refused option of after care on those days.  His office was 1.5 hours from where BM lived and BM's is 1.5 hours from where we live.  Skids live very far away from the city, but DH was still willing.  BM was not and the court went with her.

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  • Can he take them out to dinner at a restaurant by their mom's house once a week? That way the kids arent spending so much time in the car and he still get some time with them during the week.

     


  • image MommyEllenSue:
    We live 45 min from BM on a good day. On a not so nice traffic day it is more like an hour plus drive. We still get the kids 2 days a week and every other weekend. It is not a hardship on SS6 or SD6, I think it would be harder for them to not come home those days. Sometimes it is a hardship on us financially but it is important for DH and I to be involved so we make whatever sacrifice that needs to be made. I don't mean to be harsh but I think living 40 min away is just an excuse and not a good one. It is not you SC fault that DH is giving up the apartment.

    Right because you can't possible be an involved parent with EOW. Are you this douchey in real life? 



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  • hopankahopanka member
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    I live in L.A., so I know traffic. Still, 40min one way on a school night and especially with homework and extracurriculars is nonsense. I like PP's idea about a dinner during the week with them on their side of town, si they dont have to endure the commute. Even twice a week would be fine, if your H can swing it.
  • Thanks a lot for all the feedback, guys! This is all good fuel for discussion. I tend to agree with those of you who have said 40 minutes can be a lot for school-aged kids on a weeknight (with the return trip to school in the morning), but at the same time I can't imagine only seeing my own child every other weekend. It's important to find some middle ground that benefits the kids, without being about the parents "getting" more or less. A weekly dinner or even two nearer to their mom's house is a great idea, and longer chunks of time in the summer/school vacations is also an important one to consider. 

    I really appreciate all the responses! 


  • image hindsight's_a_biotch:

    image MommyEllenSue:
    We live 45 min from BM on a good day. On a not so nice traffic day it is more like an hour plus drive. We still get the kids 2 days a week and every other weekend. It is not a hardship on SS6 or SD6, I think it would be harder for them to not come home those days. Sometimes it is a hardship on us financially but it is important for DH and I to be involved so we make whatever sacrifice that needs to be made. I don't mean to be harsh but I think living 40 min away is just an excuse and not a good one. It is not you SC fault that DH is giving up the apartment.

    Right because you can't possible be an involved parent with EOW. Are you this douchey in real life? 

    .


    Umm sounds like someone has a chip on their shoulder! I was saying what works for my DH and SK's. not once did I tell anybody that you can't be an involved parent EOW. Looks to me like your the only "douchey" one here.
  • image MommyEllenSue:
    Umm sounds like someone has a chip on their shoulder! I was saying what works for my DH and SK's. not once did I tell anybody that you can't be an involved parent EOW. Looks to me like your the only "douchey" one here.

    I'm the full time parent in my house, honey.

    Your phrasing was assy, whether you meant it that way or not. 



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  • My school-age kid has nights when a 40-minute car trip would mean his homework wouldn't get done.

    If I were the CP in your situation, I'd be willing to try a scenario where you pick him up from school on Tuesdays and keep him Tuesday night and deliver him to school on Wednesday morning.

    But honestly the first (or, okay, maybe the second) time the homework didn't get done or he was late, I'd start being a pain in your azz. Sorry.

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  • We live about 45-60 minutes away (depending on traffic) from SKs and we've done several different things.

    1) We were splitting driving, (i.e. BM would pick them up from school in her town, and drive them 30 mins to meet DH, where he would bring them for dinner at our house and visit, and then around 8:30pm he'd drive them 30mins back to 1/2 way point and BM would pick them up there.  It was a pain for sure, but he still got to see his kids 1 x per week plus we had them every weekend.

    2) When BM decided #1 didn't work for her anymore, DH would pick them up from school and then go see a movie/go out to dinner/go shopping or something, do SOME activity with them in their town for a few hours and then drop them at home and he'd come home himself.  He did this 1-2x per week and we switched to EOWE at that time because of some other scheduling issues.

    3) And this is what we do currently:
         Weeks 1 and 3:  Wednesday after school DH picks the kids up from school and does something with them on their side of town.  Friday, DH picks the kids up from school and brings them home for weekend visitation (drops them off on Sunday evening).
         Week 2 and 4: Wednesday after school, BM brings the kids to our house (she has a class/group thing that she does on our side of town every other Wednesday so this works out for her) for an evening visit, picks them up around 8 and takes them home.  Saturdays DH Picks kids up for a few hours in the afternoon (though occaisionally he doesn't take this visit, or he swaps it for a Friday night visit or something).

    The kids LOVE it.  And if they have homework on the visitation nights, DH takes them to a restaurant or a coffee shop and sits and does their homework with them.  (or if it's a visitation night here at our house, we help them with it here at home). 

    This has been a fantastic schedule for us.  DH gets to see the kids every Wednesday, Every Saturday and has full weekends EOWE.  In the summers we do more of a 1 week at mom's 1 week at dad's type schedule.

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  • image hindsight's_a_biotch:

    image MommyEllenSue:
    Umm sounds like someone has a chip on their shoulder! I was saying what works for my DH and SK's. not once did I tell anybody that you can't be an involved parent EOW. Looks to me like your the only "douchey" one here.

    I'm the full time parent in my house, honey.

    Your phrasing was assy, whether you meant it that way or not. 

    .



    My "phrasing" was fine! I gave my opinion for a situation that the poster asked about. A situation that DH and I have been in for awhile now and how it works for us. If you don't like my opinion that don't read it. I don't need your drama and as of this point am done with it. You have a nice evening alright.
  • BM lives 2 hrs away with traffic. We get EOWE, and technically one day a week, but DH forfeits his one day a week because of the distance, nearly 4 hrs in the car is not good for SS 4, and by the time we got home it would be nearly bedtime and time to go back. We considered moving closer to her, but we both had jobs well established where we are now that were not transferable military base and Childrens hospital of which there are neither by BM. As well BM lives with her parents but keeps saying she is getting her own place, and we don't want to be chasing her all over the metroplex as her housing changes. She can't move father from us per CO, but we are hoping she ends up moving closer.
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  • 50/50 is not possible unless he is planning to drive the kids 40 mins each day to school and 40 mins to pick them up.  I tend to agree with BM on the EOWE.  That is going to be a lot of driving and shuffling around during the week.  I'm not really sure who moved away from whom but if parents want to coparent on a 50/50 basis it seems like both parents living near the agreed upon school is the best way to accomplish that. 

    If your SO has a way to arrange his schedule to drop the kids off and pick them up at school then maybe the EOWE could be extended for more than just the two nights.  For example pick up at school EOWE Friday and drop off at school Monday morning.  

    If you go the dinner route I think once a week is the way to go.  Any more than that is going to be chaos in my opinion.  Your SO is still allowed to attend any after school activities.  For example if the kids had basketball after school he can attend and visit with them for a short time, I'm sure. 

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