I went back to work today. I have been gone for six months, I was on bed rest with Arianna since December 9th. I couldn't sleep last night I was having anxiety attacks all night long. I did not want to see people and see the the look on their faces (you know that look everyone gives you when they see you its like a sad/shock look) that look just kills me. It brings all the pain back. I only got about two hours of sleep and was planning on working my 12 hour shift. I was getting worse anxiety as I drove closer to work. Walking up to the entrance I could feel my heart just pounding. I dipped in with only a couple people seeing me with "the look", dropped my stuff off in the locker and when I got to the nurses station no one could look me in my eyes except for my charge nurse who came to the funeral. I don't know which was worse getting the look from people or being avoided like the plague,
later on I got a couple hugs from other people in the hospital, one of my fellow nurses apparently did not know what happened. She looked at me and said "oh your back! When are you going to deliver ?"(mind you I am back in my prepregnancy clothes, well most of them) I told her I already did, then she asked if it was a girl or boy...I said girl...she asked if I had any pictures of her...I didnt want to bring out my phone and start crying looking at the picture on the screen of dh and I holding her.. I told her I didnt have any and that she died. I turned away before any emotions could come out, I do not want to break down in front of everyone at work.
I am so scarred for when a pregnant patient is put into my rooms or a baby... I don't want to leave the emergency department... that is my favorite place to work in the hospital. I told my supervisor and charge nurse to not give me any of those patients, I told them I was not ready for it yet.
I feel so hurt in a way that people would just avoid me... they couldn't even look me in my eyes. I know I didn't want them to look at me with the look but yet I do not want to be singled out.
I am sorry I am rambling, I so exhausted and I can't stop crying over today. You would think that nurses and doctors would know how to act around someone who lost a loved one...