Late Term and Child Loss

first day back to work... awful

I went back to work today. I have been gone for six months, I was on bed rest with Arianna since December 9th. I couldn't sleep last night I was having anxiety attacks all night long. I did not want to see people and see the the look on their faces (you know that look everyone gives you when they see you its like a sad/shock look) that look just kills me. It brings all the pain back. I only got about two hours of sleep and was planning on working my 12 hour shift. I was getting worse anxiety as I drove closer to work. Walking up to the entrance I could feel my heart just pounding. I dipped in with only a couple people seeing me with "the look", dropped my stuff off in the locker and when I got to the nurses station no one could look me in my eyes except for my charge nurse who came to the funeral. I don't know which was worse getting the look from people or being avoided like the plague, 

later on I got a couple hugs from other people in the hospital, one of my fellow nurses apparently did not know what happened. She looked at me and said "oh your back! When are you going to deliver ?"(mind you I am back in my prepregnancy clothes, well most of them) I told her I already did, then she asked if it was a girl or boy...I said girl...she asked if I had any pictures of her...I didnt want to bring out my phone and start crying looking at the picture on the screen of dh and I holding her.. I told her I didnt have any and that she died. I turned away before any emotions could come out, I do not want to break down in front of everyone at work. 

I am so scarred for when a pregnant patient is put into my rooms or a baby... I don't want to leave the emergency department... that is my favorite place to work in the hospital. I told my supervisor and charge nurse to not give me any of those patients, I told them I was not ready for it yet.

I feel so hurt in a way that people would just avoid me... they couldn't even look me in my eyes. I know I didn't want them to look at me with the look but yet I do not want to be singled out.

I am sorry I am rambling, I so exhausted and I can't stop crying over today. You would think that nurses and doctors would know how to act around someone who lost a loved one...  

Julius Justin - 11/07/2002 - 10 lbs 22 in 
Isabella Genavieve - 02/03/05 - 7 lbs 11 oz 22 in 
Arianna Kaitlynn - 04/10/2013 - 4 lbs 15 oz 15 in

BFP 08/10/13 
TWINS!!!! 09/01/13
Miscarriage at 12 weeks lost baby B 
Arianna diagnosed with an Ompalocele at 13 weeks
Arianna our Angel on 04/10/13 
BFP 07/20/13
Our Rainbow due 03/18/14 

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Re: first day back to work... awful

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    I'm so sorry today was such a rough day. I had panic attacks leading up to the days before I went back to work, and I avoided everyone but my immediate coworkers [I work at a university, but my office only has five people] for a good month or so. I just couldn't face them or their looks; I hated that pity/sad look. 

    I hope that the days get better for you. Lots and lots of hugs.


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    I'm sorry you had a rough first day back.  I call that look "terminal cancer face" because I just sort of figure it's the same look someone would give you if you told them you had a terminal cancer diagnosis.  I hate that we want people to say something but not the wrong thing.  I hate that we have to worry about other people.   The good news is at least you're through your first day back now, I hope and pray for you that each day gets better.

    Side note- Thank you for being an ER nurse.  I can only imagine how hard that is to do.  When we were in the ER with our son, DH told me the nurses were crying too.  It really touched me.  It takes special people to work there (or be a nurse for that matter)


    In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be

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  • I am so sorry yesterday was a rough day. The looks are hard. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it does get a bit easier. I eventually found myself talking about our boys after a few weeks, to those who would listen.



    TTC #1 since 10/2010 RE consult 6/2011 PCOS (known) MFI IVF #1 w/ICSI 2/2012 BFP TRIPLETS our angels grew wings at 19.5 weeks 6.25.12 IVF #2 2/2013 Sono shows tissue Hysteroscopy needed Changing RE Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers ~~~all welcome~~~
  • The first day back is the worse. I cannot believe you endured 12 hours of it! It took me a week to work up to 8hr days. 

    Life anymore is one day at a time. I hope that each day can get a little bit easier. Big hugs to you! 

    Lilypie - (qptF)

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  • I'm sorry it was so hard. It will get easier with time. Most people ignored me as well. Totally sucks.

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  • I'm so sorry you had such a rough day, that first day back is just awful.  People don't know what to say and they don't realize that when they don't say anything at all, it hurts more.  I was the elephant in the room for a while after going back and even still, when I see people that I haven't seen since my loss they give me the "how are you?" with the tilted head and sad look on their face.  It's like they want to say "how are you dealing with the loss of your daughter?" but can't come out with those words. 

    I give you a lot of credit for jumping back in to a 12 hour shift.  I was just talking to DH last night, oddly enough, about how much I respect and admire nurses.  You help people, you're caring, and it's a thankless job really.  All of the things you do for people I could never do (due to my weak stomach....blah).  Hang in there love, I promise you it will get better over time.  The first day, first week, first month will be hard and eventually you will settle into your new routine.  ((HUGS))

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    BFP#1 - 11/27/09 EDD 8/5/10, DS1 arrived 7/24/10 via emergency c-section.

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    BFP #4 - 8/29/13 EDD 5/12/14, our sweet rainbow, DS2 born 4/29/14 via c-section

  • I'm so sorry your first day back was bad.  This was my fourth week back and it has gotten easier and easier.  I left at noon on my first day, and I took the following Friday off.  For the next two weeks I called off each Monday, but now I am out of sick time so it's a lot easier to make myself go.  When I had time to take, if the idea of calling off even entered my head I would really struggle to go, or I would just give in and call off.

    I've experienced a lot of physical symptoms over my grief and anxiety over going back to work....I've been grinding my teeth at night, I get headaches, I've thrown up a few times.  I also got the looks and was ignored by most everyone.  But the ones that did talk to me were friendly and didn't say anything bad at least.  I've found that people tend to follow your long as they don't say anything dumb, I am more than happy to talk about my daughter.  After talking to a few of my co-workers and they got the feeling I was open to talking about it, they were really supportive and interested in hearing what I had to say.  I talked to one woman just yesterday and she admitted that she didn't know what to say to me so she gave me some space, but once the subject started, she was very very supportive and it was great talking to her.

    Of course it's hard to bring it up, and if you're not comfortable talking about it you don't have to, but if you are, I think you'll find that most people care and want to be there for you, but their looking at you to try to figure out what to do.  I know it's not easy though, and I am sorry that people can't just behave the exact way we want them to.

     I've definitely found though that being back to work has helped.  Yes most mornings I would still give anything to crawl back into bed, but it feels good to be productive, to be on a normal schedule rather than being up till 3am and sleeping till noon.  Work can help distract me and I've felt a lot more normal since I've gone back to work.  I won't lie, my first week back was very rough.  Everyday I wracked my brain, trying to think of how I could get out of going, get more time off or even quit, but now I'm feeling a lot better and it gets easier each day.  Hugs to you!

    Lilypie - (fm2j)

    Lilypie - (YesX)

     My Pregnancy/Parenting BLOG TTC since 5/2011, BFP #1 12/3/11, M/C 12/7/11 @ 4wks 2d. Began seeing RE Sep 2012. October 2012 Metformin 1500 mg= ovulation on CD34 BFP#2 11/14/12 9DPO, EDD 7/26/13, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks, our angel born sleeping 3/24/13 @ 22wks 2d. BFP #3 7/4/13 8DPO EDD 3/22/14, DX Gestational Diabetes @14 wks. started insulin @16 wks.  Our rainbow, born 3/19/14 @ 39wks 6d., we're so in love!


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