How do you know when you are ready to let go of getting/staying pregnant and adopt?

ufsandra85

I have infertility problems and multiple miscarriages. My husband and I agreed we will only do 2 more IUI or 1 more miscarriage. I am having a really hard time letting go and accepting I might not be able to have a child that is biologically ours. I have always wanted to adopt, even before I had problems having a baby so I am good with the actual adoption but having a hard time with letting go of the fact I probably wont ever be pregnant and carry a baby. I just keep holding back from adoption because I think maybe a miracle will happen for us. I am also just really scared of adoption. What if no one picks us? What if something happens and I lose a baby I thought was going to be mine? This is just really hard for me. Anyone experience similar feelings? I have had so much heartbreak I am so scared

maryoosa

I think, recently, that adoption is the greatest leap of faith you can take--- you're putting your trust in someone- a total stranger--who is giving a child to you that their body and soul and being has spent over 9 months making and nurturing and supporting.... and as much as I have a super hard time with this part-ya just have to trust. Hard. And know that there might be heartbreak, though you hope there won't be.

Even though I always knew I would adopt and never actually wanted to be pregnant, once it became a medical fact that I couldn't get pregnant I had a much harder time with not getting pregnant--- and have grieved the loss of my fertility and continue to grieve it at different moments- currently, we have a wonderful relationship with an expectant mother we are matched with and she has been amazingly inclusive of us in all of her pregnancy related stuff--- and there have been days where I've gone home and just broken down and sobbed because I'm so saddened that I'm never going to get to know what a child genetically connected to me would be like, and other times where I'm super grateful that my body isn't the one trying to make a new little human. The grief hits you differently at different times---and as far as the fear--- I'm not sure I'm ever going to not feel fear about the adoption process---I freak out daily about how and why the expectant mom might change her mind. I freak out daily that I'm complicit in someone possibly doing the least selfish thing imagineable that might cause them grief or regret for the rest of their lives... I freak out daily. Period. But at the end of the day- there's just a leap of faith.

emca

It is a very difficult decision to move on to adoption.  I have also suffered from multiple miscarriages (10 to be exact).  It is heartbreaking and frustrating, especially when it seems so easy for everyone else.  It took us a long time to finally get to our final decision to adopt.  We wanted to make sure that I was emotionally ready to move on from being pregnant.  We did one last IVF cycle before making that decision.  I knew that if that last cycle didn't work, then we were moving on and I was finally okay with that.  All of the feelings you have are very normal and adoption is scary. Like the previous poster said, you are trusting in another person and the you relinquish all control of the situation.   I am still new to adoption and I know that it is not an easy process, but I have to say that there was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders when we decided to move on.  My only advice to you would be to make sure you are emotionally ready to move on.  I went to see a therapist and that helped immensely when making our decision. 

Good Luck and I hope you can figure out what is best for you and our husband.

ufsandra85

Thank you guys so much. your words really meant a lot to me and hit home. I appreciate your responses

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Dr.Loretta

All of your fears are perfectly normal. For me, I just wanted to be a mom, and the thought of getting pg again (and having another m/c) scared the crap out of me. Adoption was much more of a sure thing.

I highly recommend Adopting After Infertility. The adoption chapters are very outdated, but the upfront sections about facing your grief, exploring your options, and making the decision for YOU can be very helpful.

kimmyb1020

marshmallowevening:

I am sorry for your losses.

It was difficult for me, and I went through no losses and minimal IF treatments (IUIs and using a sperm donor). For us, we knew that we did not want to continue spending thousands of dollars a month on treatments when there was no guarantee we would be parents at the end. Although I would have enjoyed many aspects of pregnancy and childbirth, ultimately I just want to be a parent, so for me, adoption was the best way. DH was open to adoption and gave me the final say so since I would be the one going through the most if we continued IF treatments. I went to several therapy sessions that really helped me start the grieving process and solidify my decision.

Good luck, and I hope whichever path you choose will bring you peace and will make you a parent very soon!

 This is how I felt too. We tried on our own for a year and then did IF treatments for a year (2 IUIs, no BFPs). I think after our last BFN I was just tired. I was tired of going to the depressing RE's office and hearing the same depressing news. I was tired of feeling like I was wasting money. I just wanted to be a parent. My husband was always more open to adoption than I was so like Marshmallow I just had to give the ok.

 To be honest, I haven't completely given up hope that we will become pregnant someday. I still have that pang every month when I'm a few days late and think what if. But I'm so comforted by the fact that we are on the road to parenthood with adoption and if pregnancy happens great and if not then we will adopt again. I'm just more open to whatever happens now. It is a grieving process though and you need to give yourself time to adjust.

I hope you find peace in whatever you and your DH decide. 

mtendere

It's tough. And it hurts. No way around it. My case is different because I do have a biological daughter who we conceived without IF treatment, but after nearly a year of trying. I just always assumed I'd get pregnant again, even though it may take awhile. After seeing an RE, though, it became pretty clear that the odds were not in our favor.

We tried treatment for a short while and then made the decision to stop. In one sense it was two different decisions the decision to stop treatment and then the decision to adopt. On the other hand I really needed for DH to affirm that he was open to adoption before I could make the tough call to stop pursuing biological children.

Then we took some time to process and grieve the loss and I began researching all of the different options. At times in the last months I've spent time seriously considering embryo adoption, DIA, special needs international adoption, and fosteradopt as well as seriously considering not adding to our family. There have been many tears shed in the discernment process. In the end, we ended up choosing a very different path than I ever expected we have chosen to pursue becoming foster parents, open to adoption, but not as our primary goal. Without the time reading, researching, talking, and yes, some therapy, I don't think I'd be ready to move forward. Now, though, I feel much more calm and grounded.

It still hurts from time to time that the path we originally planned is not the one we get to follow, but I now have faith that it is the right path for our family.

Good luck with the decision. It's not easy.

drjwj

I have the very same question!  We have been TTC for three years and just found out our second IVF didn't work.  I think we are going to try one more time and then explore adoption but I have started lurking on this board!  I am definitely still grieving the loss of biological children.  I haven't completely given up yet, but hope hurts so much!  I find it very interesting how many people said that therapy was helpful.  I think that it would be for us too.

kekis

The whole thought process of adoption IS very scary because of all the past losses, hurt, grief, feelings of failure, physical and emotional stress, etc.  I finally got to the point that I wanted to be a mother more than my need to physically carry and deliver a child.  Now that I'm on the other side of the grief and am now a Mommy, I know with all of my heart and mind that this baby girl is MINE. Believe me, it took YEARS for me to accept adoption - which now sounds crazy to me!

I am finally able to look back and see that everything I went through was for a reason. It was all a true test of my faith.  Even though my body completely and totally failed me on many, many occasions, I know this precious gift was meant for me and I wouldn't have it any other way.  I promise if you knew me a few years ago that I couldn't have imagined that to be true (you can read my blog if you want). It takes a lot more than biology to create a family (and a helluva lot more to be a parent), and if you look through my pics you will see that. 

I recommend grief therapy or counseling with someone who specializes in RPL/IF/Adoption.  I found a woman through RESOLVE.org and only had to meet with her once.  Through our session, I was able to let go of my failed past of babymaking and focus on becoming parents instead.  I am SO thankful that I did.  No, adoption isn't guaranteed to be successful every time, but like my agency owner said, "Adoption is awesome because everyone gets a baby!!!"  It's true. And it's awesome.

Best of luck to you!  ~ kekis 

mommytoconnor

I can understand your feelings.  In adoption, you have to jump in with a leap of faith.  It's a total crap shoot and you may get disappointed.  Don't let that stop you.  I hate to say it, cause I don't want you to get upset, but things will happen when they are right.  I have several friends that had IF problems and then adopted and became pregnant.  Besides, your end goal is to be a parent, right, who cares if it is biologically yours.  You will love your adopted child just as much.  I can't imagine loving any child more than I love my adopted son. It's scary, but it is a leap of faith.

plus12012

If adoption is always something you wanted to do I don't think you need to let go of the idea of getting pregnant before you decided to move forward with adoption. Maybe the path for you is to adopt 1st and give your body and mind time to rest and heal and give all the love you have to a child that may be waiting for you to adopt them and be their Mommy 1st. If multiple children are an option for you maybe you just need to change the order of your process.

erinmc1

I think for some of us, God plants the seed of openness to adoption and then  makes us infertile so we follow through.