The worst year...

SWIMR17

I sit here feeling the beginning cramping, I guess, of my natural miscarriage. I was 8 weeks last Friday when the doctor performed our 3 US in 2 weeks. We were cautiously optimistic as, at my early 6 weeks US doctor said it looks ectopic in the corner of the uterus and it was only measuring at 4 weeks. No fetal pole no heart beat. We went for bloodwork as a formality and sat all weekend thinking this was the end. On Monday she called saying blood work was measuring at 6 weeks and to go for another US. Miraculously tech saw a sac, fetal pole and heart beat all measuring correctly and in the center if the uterus. We were so happy. God is good. Well last Friday doctor measured baby at 6 weeks and there was no heart beat. The baby had only grown for two more days past last US.
Surprisingly I'm taking it ok. But we have been through this before. Our first pregnancy ended last May at 14 weeks, exactly a year ago today. We cried for days and days. I had a d and c. The next week I was still in pain and found out I needed another one. It was like living through it all over again.
We got pregnant again in September. We were so excited! Well I was. Hubby was a little numb. The next day we found out it was ectopic. Thankfully it was early enough and I just needed a methotrexate shot.
After genetic testing, HSG, progesterone, blood work and one round of clomid, April found us pregnant again. And this is where I am. Needless to say, I am tired of trying to be God. I am relying on my Lord to do with us what He wills. I know He didn't do this to us. I don't blame God at all. I question Him, but know that He will never allow us to go through something that we can't handle.

ctilley7911

I am sorry for your losses. you are right he will never allow you to go through more then you can handle.

shandorfml2

I'm sorry for your losses. (((hugs))))

I do struggle with God never gives you more than you can handle. I fully believed it before losing my daughter, and I guess I do still believe it...but damn, I am so close to not being able to handle it. 

cawettig

I am a religious person, I believe in Christianity. I also have believed that God never gives you more than you can handle... but I am not handling this. As mothers we are not supposed to plan funeral arrangements for our babies, we are to love them and hold them...protect them. I am very angry at God right now. I still am a Christian, I just can not go into church right now. I know I would loose it. It would hit me hard, yes I think about it all day every day but being in the church praying to God to help my soul right now? No I can not do it. I would be so bitter thinking that if he didn't take her I wouldn't be asking for help with my soul. I would be at peace with raising her to also be a Christian. I am sorry if this hurts anyone with my anger right now... I know I will go back to church and face my fears and anger... I can't bear it right now. My shoulders are to heavy... I think of the poem "Footprints in the Sand" and think of Jesus helping me right now. I just don't know how I can handle any more, I am there with you with not being able to handle it.

jess123456

I am so sorry for your losses too. It is just not fair. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I also struggle with the idea that God gives you what you can handle. It's very difficult to believe this for me but I am still standing somehow not sure if that means I can handle it or not. It sounds like we have had somewhat similar journeys of loss after loss. If you ever want to private message me, please do. It's so so hard but you aren't alone.

Williamandshawnna

I am so sorry for your losses. I wish you peace and comfort during this hard time. This is a great board with amazing women who understand what this journey is like.

HUGS

Shawnna

meli1025

I am so sorry for your losses.  I too struggle with the phrase, "God gives you only what you can handle".  I feel like I've handled my loss because I don't have any other choice....I have to...and I have to find a way to keep living without my daughter.  I don't think any of us should HAVE to handle this pain.  I look forward to the day when I can be with her again.  ((HUGS))