swapping days issue...long

emme022

So I posted a little bit about this issue and thought at the time it had been resolved but it has not.  Short back story is that BM's sister is getting married at the end of august and wants LO in the wedding, which is on one of SO's parenting days as is the rehearsal dinner.  SO said ok but that he wanted to exchange for 2 of BM's days, partly because she will have already been gone for 12 days with her mother for vaca time(they have 50/50 custody so she usually see's each parent often) and also because BM made it clear, in writing in the past that she did not feel SO's family events were important enough to give up any of her time for and that her family plans all events around the custody schedule and if they can't plan it for when she has LO then LO doesn't go because she wouldn't ask for him to sacrifice anytime, so he shouldn't ask it of her.  (SO is not gunna hold her to the whole if it isn't during my time LO doesn't go thing.)  So anyway he said he wanted to exchange 2 days, this led to a lot of back and forth texts, partly because there was initial confusion since some of the options offered didn't work because BM was going to be out of state for vaca and the wedding is out of state(neither of which came up until the offered exchanges would have interfered with this). 

 

So BM ended up offering SO the fri and sat in the beginning of her vaca time as long as LO was back by 9am Sunday.  That is literally the only weekend that SO and I have plans that can not be changed and are out of state.  He would gladly bring LO but wouldn't be able to have her back by 9am so this did not work(oddly enough we will be in ME that weekend and the reason BM wants LO back then is so she can leave to go to ME with her.  I thought it made sense for them to choose a place to meet up and then bonus less time with a 2 and 1/2 yr old in the car buut apparently that was a bad suggestion.)  So SO texted her explaining all of this and offering 2 other exchange day options(neither of which are anywhere close to her vaca just in case) and never heard back.  Then last week he gave her a letter saying the same thing, she texted him later that day about something else so he asked about responding to the letter and she stopped responding to texts.  This week he texted her  asking her to please let him know by XX date what days she wanted to exchange because we are trying to make plans for the summer so need to know when LO will be here.  She did not answer and he also gave her the same request in writing today, she responded that she had seen the text and she would not be letting him know by XX date, she is not sure when she will let him know.

 

I don't even know if I am asking for advice or what, the whole thing is sooo frustrating and at this point normally I'd tell SO to just let her have the 2 days but we both know part of why she's doing this is so he might just give up and because she really likes to have control of the situation/have things done her way and she wants him to, as she said "respect that and do what she tells him to do."  He is going to try to make sure she gets to be in the wedding and we won't be scheduling anything on those 2 days even if BM doesn't ever respond about the exchange, but I am assuming she will and is just trying to make him wait since keeping LO out of state for 2 days during SO's parenting time without his permission...and writen proof he didn't give permission, isn't the smartest idea.

IF you made it through all this good for you...I think I felt better just writing it out, so stressful to think about sometimes.

cole2144

I could have written this myself. When BM does not like what my husband has to say, she will just stop responding mid conversation even though she initiated the conversation. Your husband should stick to his guns because otherwise BM knows she can pull this anytime she wants something and he will give in. Good luck!

MommyEllenSue

BM here does the same thing. When we get to the point you are we usually send an email restating what we have already talked about and what is offered. Then we end it by saying "If an agreement can not be made by xx date then I will be following the current CO specifically in reference to visitation. I look forward to communicating with you on this issue." That always brings an end to BM's ignoring things especially if she know that your DH will hold to his guns. If she really wants the LO there she will start trying to work with you once she sees she has pushed your DH to the limit.

karatechrissy

This is not in your CO correct? Why is he busting his a** for something BM requested in the first place? If I were him I would say, 'these are the two dates which I am willing and able to switch for. If you do not respond by xx date which one works for you, I will assume parenting time will go as outlined in our court order. Have a nice day'.  

Lavender P

karatechrissy:

This is not in your CO correct? Why is he busting his a for something BM requested in the first place? If I were him I would say, 'these are the two dates which I am willing and able to switch for. If you do not respond by xx date which one works for you, I will assume parenting time will go as outlined in our court order. Have a nice day'. nbsp;

Completely agree with Chrissy! If you are doing her a favor she should be bending over backwards to accommodate you. Especially given the fact that she would never switch with you in the first place.

emme022

karatechrissy:

This is not in your CO correct? Why is he busting his a** for something BM requested in the first place? If I were him I would say, 'these are the two dates which I am willing and able to switch for. If you do not respond by xx date which one works for you, I will assume parenting time will go as outlined in our court order. Have a nice day'.  

 

The CO says that the other parents family events should be accommodated within reason.  BM feels that this means she should just be given the days for her family events, which would be fine, except she also feels that she can decide if SO's family events are important enough to be considered, and like I said has made it clear he will get none of her time, which I can understand but then it should go both ways.  SO and BM will be going back to court next year(it was actually written into their CO to return to court in 2 years because of a holiday schedule thing, which ends up working out since a loot was not covered/needs to be clarified in there CO) and part of the reason he is trying so hard to work with BM to get her to agree to switch is he doesn't want to be made to be the bad guy who wouldn't let LO be in the wedding, even though he really is trying and giving multiple options.

Littlejen22

emcmac87:

karatechrissy:

This is not in your CO correct? Why is he busting his a** for something BM requested in the first place? If I were him I would say, 'these are the two dates which I am willing and able to switch for. If you do not respond by xx date which one works for you, I will assume parenting time will go as outlined in our court order. Have a nice day'.  

 

The CO says that the other parents family events should be accommodated within reason.  BM feels that this means she should just be given the days for her family events, which would be fine, except she also feels that she can decide if SO's family events are important enough to be considered, and like I said has made it clear he will get none of her time, which I can understand but then it should go both ways.  SO and BM will be going back to court next year(it was actually written into their CO to return to court in 2 years because of a holiday schedule thing, which ends up working out since a loot was not covered/needs to be clarified in there CO) and part of the reason he is trying so hard to work with BM to get her to agree to switch is he doesn't want to be made to be the bad guy who wouldn't let LO be in the wedding, even though he really is trying and giving multiple options.

Ditto Chrissy. I would strongly suggest stopping emailing her except to say if he does not hear by ex date which of your suggestions can be honored then parenting time will go on as per the CO and he will have her on X dates. Don't harass her for what she is asking, just state the facts and move on and then if she asks later you either ask for something bigger or tell her per the email/text she did not respond and you now have other plans.

twister22

Littlejen22:

emcmac87:

karatechrissy:

This is not in your CO correct? Why is he busting his a** for something BM requested in the first place? If I were him I would say, 'these are the two dates which I am willing and able to switch for. If you do not respond by xx date which one works for you, I will assume parenting time will go as outlined in our court order. Have a nice day'.  

 

The CO says that the other parents family events should be accommodated within reason.  BM feels that this means she should just be given the days for her family events, which would be fine, except she also feels that she can decide if SO's family events are important enough to be considered, and like I said has made it clear he will get none of her time, which I can understand but then it should go both ways.  SO and BM will be going back to court next year(it was actually written into their CO to return to court in 2 years because of a holiday schedule thing, which ends up working out since a loot was not covered/needs to be clarified in there CO) and part of the reason he is trying so hard to work with BM to get her to agree to switch is he doesn't want to be made to be the bad guy who wouldn't let LO be in the wedding, even though he really is trying and giving multiple options.

Ditto Chrissy. I would strongly suggest stopping emailing her except to say if he does not hear by ex date which of your suggestions can be honored then parenting time will go on as per the CO and he will have her on X dates. Don't harass her for what she is asking, just state the facts and move on and then if she asks later you either ask for something bigger or tell her per the email/text she did not respond and you now have other plans.

All of this. Why is DH trying so hard to work with BM? She's playing games. Tell BM that she can have those two days in exchange for either xx days or xx days, and if neither of those two options work you will stick to the CO'd parenting time. There is no reason to be so overly accommodating and offer so many options when BM is intentionally being a PITA.