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update and help
We met BIL on Saturday to pick up SS. he was really excited to be with us (correction his daddy). DS who is 11 months was a little nervous of him, he hasn't seen him other than skype since December. DH works long hours, and DS is use to daddy being there to read a book to DS at bed time at the least so they get a little bonding time in. We spent the night Saturday in a hotel. SS slept with DH and SD slept with me.SS would not let DH hold SS the entire time. He would throw a fit and tell DH to put DS down and carry him. He even went so far as to take DS out of the stroller and climb in himself while we were shopping for clothes for SS. SUnday night we got home and and DS wanted daddy to read him a story. SS threw a fit and screamed. I suggested DH read the story to both boys and SS pick out the book, but SS refused and DH had to take SS out of the room to stop him from throwing a fit. DS and I read a book, and I let DS fall asleep in our bed before putting DS in his crib. while I was putting DS in his crib SS crawled into our bed and slept with DH. I ended up sleeping on the floor in the nursery. This happened again last night. Yesterday I caught SS giving DS a lego to play with. We had expained to SS that DS was too little and could choke on the legos, but he gave it to him anyway. When I took the lego away from DS, and brought it to DH, DH got mad and told me that he just got SS back and SS needs a few days with just his dad. Try to explain that to a little boy that just wants 5 minutes from his daddy to read him a story. I realize that SS has been through quite an ordeal, but at the same time DH cannot ignore DS and expect SS to just quit acting like this after a couple of days if he does not say something right now. SS is once again making the comments that he wants DS's room if something happens to him. I feel like I am on edge with SS this time around, and I think it is more DH's fault for putting SS ahead of DS. Both boys need his attention.
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Re: update and help
SS has been through quite an ordeal, but that doesn't make his behavior acceptable. Here's what I would do:
DH takes SS out for the day. They have father-son bonding time, and make the whole day about SS. Towards the end of the day, DH explains to SS that he's so glad to have him here and that he loves him very much, and that he also loves you and DS very much, and you and DS love SS very much. Then DH should explain that your home has lots of fun things that you guys do, like family dinners, Wednesday night game night, trips to the zoo, and brunch on Sundays (or whatever special things you guys do.) but there are also rules in your home, and those rules need to be followed. And if the rules aren't followed, there are consequences. You guys should have a chart for SS about expectations, and then outline privileges and consequences.
SS needs to sleep in his own bed. You and DH need to sleep in your bed. Absolutely do not sleep on the floor, that is complete and utter BS. You and DH have a bed, SS has a bed, and DS has a bed. Everyone needs to sleep in their own bed.
Just because SS's life has been uprooted, and what he needs is normalcy. Keep your household running as close to normal as you can, and SS will adapt to that. Everything should not be catered to SS.
Oh I think it was fine that you let DS fall asleep in your bed and then moved him. I was saying SS sleeping the whole night with DH and you sleeping on the floor - that's ridiculous! You shouldn't be kicked out of your own bed by a child.
I would start a night time routine with SS. Brush teeth, pjs, and then DH will read him stories and cuddle for xx minutes, then SS can read stories to himself for xx minutes, and then it's lights out. That's what we do with DS. If he gets out of bed there are consequences.
Neither you nor your husband are wrong. Your SS needs some dad time, but he also needs rules and consistency.
I'd not worry too much about what happened this weekend. It's a period of adjustment, and nothing is going to get settled overnight.
But I'm not okay with YH getting mad at you or with you sleeping on the floor while SS and YH sleep on your bed. I think it sends a terrible message to your SS. And it's not as though he's never slept in your home before.
IMO after emotions have settled down a little, talk about how both kids need to have the same rules (accounting for different ages). Make sure you are both on the same page about the rules and how they will be enforced.
And I know it was brought up in a previous thread, but I really think you should consider filing a lawsuit against the doctor who was seeing your SS.
I don't know the back story, but this is scary....SS is once again making the comments that he wants DS's room if something happens to him.
In terms of discipline for SS, I don't think that leniency and no rules/enforcement/ignoring DS sends the right message to anyone. I don't really know what to suggest with DH not on board.
How old is SS and maybe I'm a jerk because IDGAF what SS has been through, you don't get to throw a shitfit because your father has the nerve to hold his other child. Catering to him, letting him call the shots only reinforces the idea that he has a choice in how you guys divide your time between him and the baby. Little boys who behave like trolls should not be rewarded with dirt bike rides, one on one attention, and other forms of asskissing. It won't appease him. He'll just feel justified in further pushing his little brother aside.
That being said, you won't get far at all if your husband is dead set on "making things up to him."
ETA: You really need to take that poor baby to therapy though.
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What your SS needs most is structure and routine. Letting SS be "in control" is not good for him at all - it is unhealthy and will result in making him feel LESS, not more, secure.
I understand that this weekend is an adjustment period, but your H should NOT spoil him "because of all he has been through." SS needs to learn that he needs to share his dad, because he has another sibling. I am thinking that at those times, maybe you should spend some one-on-one time with SS? After all, you will be the primary mother figure in his life as long as BMs home is not safe.
I would deduct points if he gives DS choking hazards, or does something else harmful.
The longer you give him control, the harder it will be to change the habit down the road.
Please remind your husband that nothing he can do now will change what happened. That allowing this child to run roughshod over everyone, including an infant who has needs and wants too is not going to undo what happened in the past. Regardless of what happened, this little boy needs the same thing every other little boy needs, consistency, expectations, love, and some structure too.
FWIW, a ten month old will be just fine skipping story time. But I think bedtime is a great opportunity to give each kid one on one/individual time. I'd suggest putting the ten month old to bed earlier and letting him have his story time but give SS some activity that he only gets to do during your other son's bedtime routine. Maybe angry birds on the cell phone or something.
I know that your husband just wants to make things all better for his son and that he feels awful that he wasn't there for him, and thus feels he can compensate by being up his butt now. Well, he can't. What he can do is find a good therapist for his son and provide a good home for him now. But a good home isn't giving into his every fit or any of his fits, to be frank.
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Oh and without therapy, your H will never know what happened over there nor will he know how to deal with it. He could be reacting in ways that do more harm that good over the long term. He could be overreacting to what happened or even underreacting.
Really, if you only take one bit of advice from this thread, let it be the suggestion to try counseling.
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I think this is great advice. I know there are a lot of issues here but you and DH really need to be a united front or you are doing a disservice to both of the boys. I think you need to talk to DH about what the game plan is and for him to say that he is waiting for SS to adjust is not acceptable. Obviuously thing take time but you need to establish rules and boundaries soon becausherhe longer you wait he harder it will get. In the meantime, keep an extra close eye on DS.