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Working Moms
LittleNugget2013
member
Daddy days are hard...
LittleNugget2013
member
in Working Moms
So I work two days a week, sundays and mondays from 10am to 9pm. I am gone from my home from 9:30am until 9:30pm. Usually my SO brings my baby over my lunch break (an hour) every shift I work (which is awesome)!
My son (is almost 5 months old) is great with me when I'm home. As soon as he is alone with daddy for daddy days (what we call my work days) he freaks out. He cries and cries, refuses to take the bottle (I pump) and will not nap. All day long my SO texts me upset because he doesn't know what to do when I'm at work. SO feels like a failure at being a dad, he has decided he doesn't like babies (loves our son, but really wants him to not be a baby anymore) and feels horrible about feeling this way.
SO feels like he cannot take DS anywhere because he only cries bloody murder. When I have him at home we go shopping, zoos, museums, family member's home and out to eat and he is always fine. He will even take a bottle from me.
I have tried explaining to SO that DS does not hate him and is just having a hard time being separated from me. I have told him not everyone loves the baby stage and it will get better. I have bought him a travel bottle warmer to hopefully make going out easier. SO is still refusing to go out and 12 hours at home alone with a crying infant would make anyone crazy.
Has anyone else experienced this? What advice can anyone offer? Me quitting isn't an option and we both really don't want to use a daycare or babysitter.
Thanks
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Re: Daddy days are hard...
During my maternity leave, I had to go into work because my replacement was a dud. I would leave him with DH and DS was fussy almost the entire time I was gone. I wasn't even gone that long. As soon as I walked in the door, DH would hand him over.
Maybe have SO hold him, feed him, ect. while you are there?
I do have SO hold him and help feed him while i'm at home and same thing, he cries and gets really fussy. Then he hands him back to me and he immediately stops crying (actually will smile). This, of course, makes SO feel even worse. I get so stressed out at work all day long, hearing that my baby is so unhappy:(
This exactly. Him texting you is doing no one any good at all. I'm sure you baby is feeding off of your SO being stressed out and uncomfortable being alone with his own baby. The Happiest Baby on the block also comes in DVD form so you can get it from Netflix & not have to take the time to read the book. Good luck & please let your SO do more for the baby when your home & not just hand him off to you every time he can't settle your LO down. It's not fair to you, your LO and your SO. He needs to step up and realize that caring for his child has to happen and it not just an option. Good luck, I can only imagine how stressful this is for you.
All of this. I don't "like babies" either. I think it's a lot more fun to spend time with kids once they get interactive. But that doesn't give me a pass on the first 9 months of parenting -- when I have a baby, I spend the day soothing the baby and doing calm baby things, and forcing myself to stay calm so I don't get baby riled up.
He's just going to have to figure out what works for him. Has he tried baby wearing? Baby wearing with headphones to keep him calm while baby is fussing? What about car rides with classical music? Jogging stroller and a nice walk in the woods? If he won't take the bottle, what about sippy cup or purees so he's not starving? And if the baby is really screaming at home or screaming out, then he might as well go out.
My DH was kind of like this too. He got really stressed out when DD started crying and called me to come home when I was out running errands. He just had a really hard time when she was little. Even now, I had to have my mom come to town when I went on a business trip b/c he could not put her to bed. The few nights in the last 6 months that I tried to be out during bedtime ended with DD crying so hard she threw up and DH calling me to come home. UGH! Part of the problem was that 1. I caved in and came home, and 2. DH was trying to do my routine with DD, which made her realize that I wasn't home. Once he figured out a way to calm her on his own, everyone was happier. I also got him to do more things for/with her when I am around. If she starts to get fussy, I let him try and soothe her before running to her.
Another thing I realized what that I was correcting him with the things he was doing with her. I do think your DH needs to step up a bit more here, but can you look at how you interact with him when he's playing/changing/feeding/soothing your DS? Bottom line is that your DH needs to find his own groove. I think you should talk to him about his fears and anxieties and help enable him to feel confident in what he's doing. A lot of men, by nature, are not good with babies. They're much better once the babies are a little bit older. Hang in there! I can understand how stressful this is for you.
I agree with this, and I also think that your SO not taking him anywhere because he's crying might be backfiring a bit. If he takes him out to places baby will probably get distracted, even at 5 months I couldn't imagine staying in the house all day long, I would go crazy.
My DH depends on distraction when LO is with him. He does not give her back to me right away when we are both home and she gets fussy since she needs to know that he can help soothe her as well ... he sings with LO and plays with her when she is crying or fussy. He will fly her around the house (like she is a rocket), take her outside to "inspect" the property, makes funny sounds, makes up his own songs. My schedule at work is usually at most 5 consecutive hours away from her so that helps. Twelve hours is a long time though for mom or dad. Especially if you are always there the rest of the week. Maybe have DH have an hour of solo time every day (or where you are in and out) and build up to a few hours in a row as each week progresses to get LO more used to being with Daddy. You can pop in and out for a feeding, but go back out for some errands or to do the marketing or take a nap.
Edit: when he takes LO to you, he is getting out of the house. Encourage them to try making another stop on the way home or to go for a walk around the block when they arrive home,esp if LO has fallen asleep in the carseat. This is what I did in the begininning and it helped me feel like we could do things.
Rather than go to a really public place, encourage him to do something low key like a walk to a park or around the block. Tell him to try and stay calm when the baby fusses and if what he is doing doesn't calm the baby, try something else. Like singing and acting silly which are two things my own DH is afraid to pull out if the arsenal.
It will get better when your LO is a bit more interactive.
I will say that the longer I've been back at work, the better thing are for them. He told me its not worth the hassle of loading up all her gear to go out and do something, but he does do quick trips to the store or whatever if he's looking for something specific lately he's been on the hunt for a safe so he and DD will go to the sporting good store to look for them. He does go for long walks most days and I think those help so much. He gets some fresh air and sunshine and DD gets a change of scenery, plus, DD usually falls asleep and has a good nap after.
I really don't have much advice, but I wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and that it does get a bit easier, if only by a little bit every week.