child expectations

Cheerilee

lady_tytah:

When Nene got into TAG I praised her. When she got 2 awards for top grades/behavior throughout the year and for Hardworker, I praised her. Those are praise worthy events. I'm not saying I dont praise. Im saying I dont for expected behavior such as listening to directions in the store.

You don't have to praise her for following directions in the store at this point because she's learned the behavior and become proficient. When teaching her how to act in the store, you praise with things like "You did a great job sitting quietly while we paid for the groceries! I'm proud of you."

lady_tytah

mollyxcate:

I was raised the same way and I set the same expectations for Chloe. I know shes young now and doesn't really know there are expectations but I make sure that I take care of things even if it puts me at an inconvienience.

We went out to dinner with my in laws and Chloe was fussy, she started crying and I couldn't calm her down so I got up and went outside with her and had them pack my dinner to go. I give her 30 seconds at MOST to calm down, less if I know she won't... and then I take her outside. I have had to leave shopping carts at customer service and take her out of a store before but I do think she is learning because she rarely has fits in a store any more.

I'm glad someone understands!!

Cheerilee

lady_tytah:

mollyxcate:

I was raised the same way and I set the same expectations for Chloe. I know shes young now and doesn't really know there are expectations but I make sure that I take care of things even if it puts me at an inconvienience.

We went out to dinner with my in laws and Chloe was fussy, she started crying and I couldn't calm her down so I got up and went outside with her and had them pack my dinner to go. I give her 30 seconds at MOST to calm down, less if I know she won't... and then I take her outside. I have had to leave shopping carts at customer service and take her out of a store before but I do think she is learning because she rarely has fits in a store any more.

I'm glad someone understands!!

She didn't say she never praised her LO. She's saying she uses extinction. I do the same thing COMBINED with praise for good behavior.

Cheerilee

I'm adding this then taking a nap. Babies are expected to roll, crawl, stand, walk... Yet, we still cheer and love on them when they do it. Why does this mentality change when they learn to talk?

CaliVal

Kind of off topic, and Lady T I'm really not trying to be snarky but didn't you write about how you don't play with your DD because she constantly doubts herself and has low self esteem... Something to that effect? Just saying maybe its because she doesn't get enough positive reinforcement.

lady_tytah

CaliVal:

Kind of off topic, and Lady T I'm really not trying to be snarky but didn't you write about how you don't play with your DD because she constantly doubts herself and has low self esteem... Something to that effect? Just saying maybe its because she doesn't get enough positive reinforcement.

Not snarky. Its not that she doubts herself more so she gives up easily. Like earlier I wad teaching her how to braid. I kept telling her with practice she'll get it but there is no such thing as can't. She started pouting and whining. I told her to do the sad wiggle dance. To get rid if the sad and take a break. She kept trying and got it. Then she had confidence in herself to do more without me watching her. Any issues she has with self esteem is because she takes what ppl say personally. She feels everyone is get friend. Something that is not the case especially in a public school. She's starting to get the teasing for being smart. She takes it all in. Being an AA girl I always push her smarts beauty and the strength she has in her veins. That's my daughter's personality not from how I raise her. I do get what you're trying to connect though.
To add, the constant moving when she wad younger while I was a single parent has had an impact.

Tula214

Lady T, I want to say that most people probably think what you were saying is that you never praise her. At least, that's what I got from your first few posts. Praise isn't needed all day every day, but I like to think more positive than negative is a good thing.

I wad bullied in middle school for being smart. I stopped doing my work, and my grades went down. Had my parents helped me with my self esteem before the bullying, I probably would've said "eff what they think," and kept doing well.

lady_tytah

Tula214:

Lady T, I want to say that most people probably think what you were saying is that you never praise her. At least, that's what I got from your first few posts. Praise isn't needed all day every day, but I like to think more positive than negative is a good thing. I wad bullied in middle school for being smart. I stopped doing my work, and my grades went down. Had my parents helped me with my self esteem before the bullying, I probably would've said "eff what they think," and kept doing well.

Thats not the case like I said later down. I praise her but not for every day things. I dont praise her for cleaning her room. Its expected. I would praise her for doing other things I have her do around the house without me asking. I wont praise for good behavior in school but I will if its beyond. Example: For a few weeks she was getting Yellow (missing 5 mins of recess). She started realy focusing and got Green (excellent behavior) for almost 2 weeks. I praised her for going beyond and really focusing on her school  work and not her mouth get her in trouble.

JayandEmm

Saltylove:

I'd like to think every generation has permissive parents, authoritative ones who discipline effectively, and authoritarian parents who practice "seen and not heard", corporal punishment, etc. To be honestly though, I'd rather live in a generation where parents are a bit too permissive, rather than having well behaved kids who do so out of fear and conformity to impossible expectations.Children are people with thoughts, wants, needs. So are adults. The difference is that kids are in the process of learning how their needs and wants relate to the world around them. It is one thing to establish and reinforce expectations of a child's behaviour, but it is another thing entirely to expect a child to intrinsically know their place in it all.nbsp;The "seen and not heard" or "because I told you so" approach limits a kids ability to come to a true understanding of their place in the world. Rather than learning to respect others and also that they deserve to be respected, they learn to conform to a rigid and sometimes impossible set of standards out of fear and mistrust.nbsp;I hardlynbsp;think that the way to raising a compassionate, well adjusted and productive member of society is through fear and threats. I'm pretty sure the prison system is a great example of why this approach doesn't work. Also, its not like wenbsp;have any examples on the board of how this approach to parenting worked out in the long run or anything...eta: I can't speak to specific techniques because DD is not even 9 months old, so I'm the farthest thing from an expert. This is just my philosophical take on the whole thing. nbsp;

::slow clap::

melmarie26

Oh my.

So much of this I thought I would debate or I would say, "Yes I did this or that and it did/didn't work."

The truth is, our children are completely different individuals. My parenting style for my two oldest children is markedly different because, what gets through to one may not get through to the other.

In all honesty, this is my 3rd and 4th rodeo and I do not have it all figured out. To think any of us do, is foolish.

You grow as a parent as your children grow up. You do the best you can. Guess what? You're going to screw up often and probably pretty bad every now and again. Demonstrate forgiveness because, you'll need a lot of it.

Just my contribution because, if I could do half of all of this consistently, I'd be Super Mom!

nicnac817

Even though I am a FTM, I have set expectations of myself when parenting. I will lead by example. I will "teach" my children what good behavior is. I will explain what my expectations are and why. I will explain why something is not ok. I will praise them when they do well and encourage them to keep striving to do better. If they need a time out I will explain what they did to cause it. I don't think that we can expect anymore out of our kids than what we give.

I believe in letting children be seen and heard. I want to know what they are thinking. I love seeing a kid being able to express themself. There is something about a childs imagination that is so refreshing. It needs to be nurtured. Not shushed.

PaisleyRuth

melmarie26:

Oh my.

So much of this I thought I would debate or I would say, "Yes I did this or that and it did/didn't work."

The truth is, our children are completely different individuals. My parenting style for my two oldest children is markedly different because, what gets through to one may not get through to the other.

In all honesty, this is my 3rd and 4th rodeo and I do not have it all figured out. To think any of us do, is foolish.

You grow as a parent as your children grow up. You do the best you can. Guess what? You're going to screw up often and probably pretty bad every now and again. Demonstrate forgiveness because, you'll need a lot of it.

Just my contribution because, if I could do half of all of this consistently, I'd be Super Mom!

Yesssssssss. All of this.

latnprincess

PaisleyRuth:

melmarie26:

Oh my. So much of this I thought I would debate or I would say, "Yes I did this or that and it did/didn't work." The truth is, our children are completely different individuals. My parenting style for my two oldest children is markedly different because, what gets through to one may not get through to the other. In all honesty, this is my 3rd and 4th rodeo and I do not have it all figured out. To think any of us do, is foolish. You grow as a parent as your children grow up. You do the best you can. Guess what? You're going to screw up often and probably pretty bad every now and again. Demonstrate forgiveness because, you'll need a lot of it. Just my contribution because, if I could do half of all of this consistently, I'd be Super Mom!

Yesssssssss. All of this.

Amennnnn!!