Looking for some advice

baer0006

Hi there,

I haven't posted before as we're not actively trying to get pregnant but I'm hoping for a bit of guidance to better plan our timing.

 It seems most mothers here work full-time, office-type jobs. I do not. I currently work 3 part time active jobs. One as a janitor and two banquet server positions. I do not get benefits or paid mat leave as they're all part time positions. My boyfriend works full time and he does get paid vacation and medical benefits, which cover my (and my potential child's) expenses as we're common-law married. We also live in Ontario, Canada where our provincial health care would cover dr visits and L/D. 

My issue is that my boyfriend would like for us to wait until I'm in a position where I can take a full year of paid mat leave before we start trying and I'd like to hurry that timeline up a bit. I just don't see myself finding that full-time position in my field anytime soon. I'm in my mid-20s and he'll be 40 next year and I'm worried that if we wait much longer we're just making life more difficult for ourselves. I'm not terribly worried about conceiving with him but I am worried about his energy levels with a newborn and later with a toddler.

I'm wondering if it's feasible to go back to work only a couple weeks after giving birth and then working part time around my boyfriend's schedule. I'd be using my mother as occaisional babysitter, and she lives 2 minutes from my janitorial job, which is my bread and butter. The others are seasonal. That position is unionized with plenty of breaks where I would be able get away and pump if needed and an hour lunch break where I could nap if I wanted or run to my mom's house.

Has anyone here done this? We don't make a lot of money but we live modestly and I anticipate buying everything I can second-hand and getting quite a few big-ticket items as gifts. I hope to breastfeed or bottle feed with breastmilk and cloth diaper if possible.

I'm sorry this is so long, I'm just trying to figure out if this is something I can do or if I'm completely delusional here. Any feedback is appreciated.  

Iblamethebeer

In America, yes a lot of women go back to work after 6 or 8 weeks (plan for 8 in case you have a c-section since your job is physical) and life goes on.  less than that would be very hard for the kinds of jobs you're describing.

Also with a job that physically demanding, think about the possibility of having to stop work before delivering - what's the financial plan if you have 2 months of modified bed rest  before 8 weeks of maternity leave?  Will all 3 jobs hold your position for you?

HOWEVER, I think the bigger issue is having a kid with someone you're not married to but are financially reliant on, and who is saying he doesn't feel ready.  This sounds like a practical as well as emotional mess waiting to happen.

Nechie122

It might be feasible to go back so soon or it might not, and you won't know until you get there. So it's important to have a backup plan.

Even after my vaginal delivery, I was told not to lift anything heavier than the baby for two weeks. Frankly, even without complications, it took three weeks before I was walking normally again. If you overdo it physically, you pay for it.

If you need a csection, two weeks would be really pushing it. It's major surgery and your doctor probably won't clear you to go back to work until at least six weeks.

If your job is unionized, won't you get maternity benefits? I thought Canada had broad protections for new moms.

laurakaz13

I would not have a child with someone I wasn't legally married to.  You are young and have time.  I will say I agree with him that you should wait until you are a bit more stable.

However, since that wasn't your question, I do think it would have been possible for me to go back to work at like 6 weeks.  I was an exhausted mess, but physically I started working out and felt great at like the 2-3 week mark. 

In the U.S., no one gets a year off after giving birth.  We dream of that down here! 

EastCoastBride

There is so much I don't remember clearly, but this I do.

The first 2 weeks, I was an exhausted mess.  I had an easy pregnancy and delivery, but DS wouldn't BF easily and I had to pump.  I was EXHAUSTED.

At 6 weeks I remember thinking "If I HAD to go back to work now, I could manage it... I guess".

At 8 weeks, I really felt much more "human" and really did think "O.k. - I could do it.  I could go back."

At 12 weeks (when I did go back), I felt pretty much fine to do so.   But I so, so, so cherished those 3 months at home.  I know many women really don't have a choice, but I always recommend getting as much time at home w/ your new baby as you can.  It's truly a once in a life time experience, along w/ the fact you just don't know how you're going to feel.  Take as much advantage of it as you can. 

However, I will "ditto" some of the comments the others made.  You're overall situation gives me a LOT of pause.

itsmevkb

In one way I'm a traditionalist and say get married.  In another way, I'm not so much of a traditionalist to say why doesn't your boyfriend take a year off and stay home with your potential future baby?  It seems his job would allow for that - correct? 

If you had a normal delivery you would probably be able to return to work within six to eight weeks but it wouldn't be easy, or fun, if you're returning to physically demanding jobs.

Manda-Kay

I live in America - I got ZERO paid maternity leave.  The only money I got paid was from saved sick and personal days.  Don't bank on BF 100%.  Something could happen that might prevent you from being able to.  CD are an investment at first and won't pay off right away. 

daisy662

Iblamethebeer:

In America, yes a lot of women go back to work after 6 or 8 weeks (plan for 8 in case you have a c-section since your job is physical) and life goes on.  less than that would be very hard for the kinds of jobs you're describing.

Also with a job that physically demanding, think about the possibility of having to stop work before delivering - what's the financial plan if you have 2 months of modified bed rest  before 8 weeks of maternity leave?  Will all 3 jobs hold your position for you?

HOWEVER, I think the bigger issue is having a kid with someone you're not married to but are financially reliant on, and who is saying he doesn't feel ready.  This sounds like a practical as well as emotional mess waiting to happen.

 This is very good advice.  

baer0006

I appreciate the relationship advice but it isn't really the issue I'm asking about. My boyfriend and I are stable, been together for 5 years, living together for 2. We're on the same page regarding marriage and children. We have plans to get married in the next year and postponing having children has everything to do with financial stability and nothing to do with being mentally or emotionally ready for it. I am not 100% financially reliant on him. I pay my own bills and my share of the household bills. I actually make more hourly than he does, he just works more hours. 

That being said, he would be entitled to 6 months of parental leave but he can't take it in the first 3 months. Financially it would make more sense for him to continue to work as parental leave is only a percentage of your full pay and for that period of time he would be the primary breadwinner. Paid mat leave is through our employer but it only applies to full time staff. I don't know if my banquet server jobs would hold my position but depending on the season there might not be much work with them anyway. The janitor job would hold my position. If I need to take on a less physical job towards the end of my pregnancy I know my janitor job would try to find me a clerical position if there are any available. If I'm put on bed rest then you're right, I don't have a plan for that.

I'm just frustrated. I went to school for hospitality and event management. I've been searching for full time positions in this field for almost 3 years now to no avail. I'm stuck in the "I can't get a job because I have no experience because I can't get a job" cycle and the best I've been able to find is a contract banquet server position. The janitor job pays my bills but I really don't want to be 45 and cleaning toilets for a living. I want the career. I want to be the working mom. I guess I'm concerned that it'll take me another 3 years to find that job and then what if we have trouble conceiving? What if we want more than one? I'm worried about my boyfriend being 45-50 with young kids. I love him dearly and I know he's the one, but the age difference does complicate things a bit. 

Ok, end of vent.