Being Considerate

Xath

I've been noticing an increasing level of inconsiderate, and sometimes downright nasty responses on this board.  I understand that everyone here is grieving and that there are a lot of raw emotions, but I'm asking you all to try to be considerate in your responses.  

Yes, sometimes people post here after an early term miscarriage.  They aren't doing it to attack you.  The board descriptions and delineations aren't terribly clear, and Loss shows up on the list before Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss, so chances are, someone in their grief came here for support first without knowing there was a more appropriate board.  That's no reason to be rude; everyone in this scenario is grieving; everyone in this situation has lost a child, lost all of that potential, and lost all of that "what might have been."  On this board, we don't differentiate between people who lost their children at 21 weeks, 36 weeks, 41 weeks, 3 days, 6 months, or 8 years.  There is no hierarchy of grief when it comes to losing a child.  Yes, there are separate boards for miscarriage and child loss.  They exist so that people with shared mutual experiences can find each other and offer relevant advice and support.  So instead of telling people that they don't belong here, how about instead we commiserate with them, and tell them that they may find better support on the other board.  Many people already do this here, and it helps everyone find the support they are looking for.  

Sometimes a friend or relative of someone who has lost a child comes here asking for advice.  They have not been through what we have been through, so they might not be aware of the considerations we need.  That's why they're here; they want to make sure they're doing the right thing for their loved one.  If they make mistakes here, it's not because they want to attack you.  It's because they care about someone who is hurting like we are, and they don't want to hurt them.  Let's help them.  If it's too painful for you to help without lashing out at them, just walk away and do what you need for you.  Let someone who is in a better place at the moment give them the advice they need. 

Sometimes people come here offering support through links to their own blogs, products, websites, etc.   Chances are, they are not doing it to attack you.  I'm willing to bet they're not doing it just to raise the hit count on their site.  Rather, they're probably trying to express their feelings and experiences in a way that makes sense to them, and they're reaching out to a group of people who they feel might understand them.  If you don't want to participate in that, that's fine, but don't attack them or drive them away.  Just ignore the thread, and let it go.  Maybe there's someone else out there who could really use, and appreciate what that person had to offer.  Don't deprive them of that opportunity.

Why am I saying this?  I really appreciate what this forum offers.  You understand what very few others (thankfully) do.  The love, support, and encouragement found here are incredible.  And so I think it's really important that we not alienate anyone who may need that support.  

I know that some people find this forum and lurk for quite a while before they find the strength to post.  I would for anyone to be reluctant to join us for fear that they might be attacked if their loss, offer of support, or need wasn't deemed good enough.  We're here, as a community, to find support and support each other.  We've all had enough negativity in our lives; let's be supportive of each other.  

MommytoAngel

Well said...

Petunia844

******siggy warning******

 

 

 

I'm not sure if this is partially in response to my response about the blog posted about a week ago or not.  If so, I just want to explain that I've been around this board for a long time, I can't believe almost two years now.  Sadly, in that time I've seen many people post here without the best intentions.  They try to sell things or they come and ask for ask for advice because a friend lost a baby and they don't even think about the fact that WE all lost our babies and don't want to see their HUGE picture of all of their babies... they don't even say they're sorry for our loss... they just ask our advice like that's what we're here for.

Now, I completely understand what you're saying and I thought my reply wasn't inconsiderate.  On the same token, many of us have grown protective over this board and the sisterhood of loss that has grown here over the years... so if an "oldie" steps up every once in a while to try to protect the board that is why.  I realized I had misunderstood the post and I apologized, and I don't regret the reply.  Many unwelcome lurkers or people trying to advertise have been easily turned away by such a response.

All that being said, I'm sorry if my reply upset you, I just want you to understand where it was coming from. 

MommytoAngel

Petunia844:

siggy warningnbsp;nbsp;nbsp;I'm not sure if this is partially in response to my response about the blog posted about a week ago or not. nbsp;If so, I just want to explain that I've been around this board for a long time, I can't believe almost two years now. nbsp;Sadly, in that time I've seen many people post here without the best intentions. nbsp;They try to sell things or they come and ask for ask for advice because a friend lost a baby and they don't even think about the fact that WE all lost our babies and don't want to see their HUGE picture of all of their babies... they don't even say they're sorry for our loss... they just ask our advice like that's what we're here for.Now, I completely understand what you're saying and I thought my reply wasn't inconsiderate. nbsp;On the same token, many of us have grown protective over this board and the sisterhood of loss that has grown here over the years... so if an "oldie" steps up every once in a while to try to protect the board that is why. nbsp;I realized I hadnbsp;misunderstoodnbsp;the post and Inbsp;apologized, and I don't regret the reply. nbsp;Many unwelcome lurkers or people trying to advertise have been easily turned away by such a response.All that being said, I'm sorry if my reply upset you, I just want you to understand where it was coming from.nbsp;

I see your side too... It's hard to have a median... That post last week struck me wrong too the "spam" one and I amost found myself wondering about her loss bc most of us would talk about the loss first...

Petunia844

MommytoAngel:

Petunia844:

siggy warningnbsp;nbsp;nbsp;I'm not sure if this is partially in response to my response about the blog posted about a week ago or not. nbsp;If so, I just want to explain that I've been around this board for a long time, I can't believe almost two years now. nbsp;Sadly, in that time I've seen many people post here without the best intentions. nbsp;They try to sell things or they come and ask for ask for advice because a friend lost a baby and they don't even think about the fact that WE all lost our babies and don't want to see their HUGE picture of all of their babies... they don't even say they're sorry for our loss... they just ask our advice like that's what we're here for.Now, I completely understand what you're saying and I thought my reply wasn't inconsiderate. nbsp;On the same token, many of us have grown protective over this board and the sisterhood of loss that has grown here over the years... so if an "oldie" steps up every once in a while to try to protect the board that is why. nbsp;I realized I hadnbsp;misunderstoodnbsp;the post and Inbsp;apologized, and I don't regret the reply. nbsp;Many unwelcome lurkers or people trying to advertise have been easily turned away by such a response.All that being said, I'm sorry if my reply upset you, I just want you to understand where it was coming from.nbsp;

I see your side too... It's hard to have a median... That post last week struck me wrong too the "spam" one and I amost found myself wondering about her loss bc most of us would talk about the loss first...

Right, that's what I tried to explain after she got upset.  I also just think having been here awhile I have seen real spam and it makes me so upset to see people try to take advantage of such a close community.  So sometimes I might be over protective.   

lolee465

::sig warning::




Fwiw Petunia, I don't think you were out of line at all. I thought that post was spam, and I'm not convinced it wasn't. I just reread what you wrote and it started with 'I'm terribly sorry for your loss..' I don't see how that's attacking anyone.
I've actually never seen anyone be inconsiderate or rude at all on this board.

Petunia844

lolee465:

::sig warning:: Fwiw Petunia, I don't think you were out of line at all. I thought that post was spam, and I'm not convinced it wasn't. I just reread what you wrote and it started with 'I'm terribly sorry for your loss..' I don't see how that's attacking anyone. I've actually never seen anyone be inconsiderate or rude at all on this board.

Thank you.  I just want to protect the board, I'd to think anyone thinks I'm being a bully. 

OSUWifey09

I've been around for almost a year [which is also hard to believe], and I hardly ever see negativity around here. Most of the responses are "Oh, you should go to the m/c board, they would be able to help more than you" or something like that. With that spam post, I thought Petunia handled it very well, and I didn't feel like anything was negative in her response. 

Yes, a loss is a loss. But what we've been through is also different from a miscarriage. No one loss is alike, and people are always welcome to join us. But I have seen people lurking and using us to be some sort of circus side show, and that sucks. I've been on TB for awhile now, and some other boards are downright crazy. This one has been a huge source of support for me, and for a lot of other women, for awhile. I always feel like I can turn to this board for support when I need it, and I hardly ever get a negative vibe. 

I'm sorry that you feel that way, that things around here are negative. And I hope you don't think we're ganging up on you, because we're not. If the vibe is truly negative, I think most of us would want to be made aware of that. This board is great, and we all share a bond that no one wants to be a part of, but we are anyway. And we make the best of it. I hope that others who are lurking or use this board do not think that this is a bad place to be, because it's not.

Xath

I wasn't replying to or specifically referencing anyone's posts.  I hadn't been on the board for a few weeks and when I came to check yesterday, I went through a few pages of threads at random, and I must have just stumbled on the bad ones.

For the most part, I think the majority of people on this board are incredibly supportive and admirable in how they post.  But I've noticed a trend of taking what are most likely innocent comments or unintentional mistakes as personal attacks. It's one of the pit-falls of text-based communication, where tone and intent aren't easily conveyed.   I just wanted to remind people that if you think that someone is posting something 'against' you or specifically to attack you, it's probably a miscommunication.  Try not to take it personally, and try not to lash out, because you might not only be alienating the person you're responding to.  

Again, by and large, I think that everyone here is supportive and treats each other well.  I also know that everyone is entitled to a bad day (or several).  I just don't want to see potential new people scared away.  That's the only reason I posted. 

shandorfml2

I also rarely see anything negative so not really sure what you are speaking of. The only thing I can think of is the blog post...people will come on here and not introduce themselves and try to get people to check things out. Not totally considerate IMO.

Other than that, sorry if something came off negative but I don't really think I've seen any negatively unless I missed something..

alpinemomma

Let's be honest though, a miscarriage is not the same as an infant or child loss.
It isn't less painful, it just isn't the same deck of cards and it isn't something I can relate to.
I breatfed my late son, bonded with him, held him, took him home, introduced him to all, he had a birth and death certificate, etc, it is different than a miscarriage.
I have also had a miscarriage and can say that the experiences are black and white separate.
I don't feel like a bully for merely differentiating
Hell we all feel enough pain and guilt already, the last thing we need is to be told our feelings of protecting our different losses is wrong
C'mon people let's just be real
Life is too short to fake it

alpinemomma

Don't call people out and say things are negative if you don't want moms to take it personally
Be accountable and be accountable to being real and open