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poohniki

Hello.

I've been over at IF and had my 4th ER yesterday. Original DX was MFI (DH has azoospermia from torsion) Just found out our big problem is  my eggs aren't metabolizing well. There is a mitochondria problem which is causing my smooth endoplasmic reticulum to aggregate. (yeah- kinda glad I teach middle science so I know what RE is talking about it. still don't understand it)  He says the clinic sees about 1 case per year and they do over 3,000 ICSIs a year, so the last place probably saw it, but didn't know what it was.  Literature is scarce on the condition, and mine is the most severe my RE has seen. He has successfully treated 2 prior patients but the protocol is very different. I'd have to go into a menopausal state and make no estrogen but be on all the other hormones in a long protocol. And he would only push for 3-4 follicles with 2-3 eggs. And we are using testicular sperm (the best testicular sperm they've ever seen, but still...) 

We don't know whether to try his protocol or look at donor eggs. We were able to have them agree to let us pay cash for this cycle at the accepted insurance rate so we would still have one covered cycle. We need to make that decision by tomorrow.

Unfortunately DH and I had such a hard time with donor sperm because neither one of us have brown eyes and we're both O blood type, so each place gave us like 5 possible donors. It's going to be even slimmer with donor eggs.  RE said we shouldn't look at blood type, but most people know something is up if two O's have a baby that is not O. No idea what to do. 

Any advice? Did you take blood type into consideration?

TIA 

AmCheri

I'm sorry that you're struggling so.  IF sucks.  

We used donor eggs. At first, when we were looking at potential donors, I was pretty hung up on finding someone who looked a lot like me. But, I quickly realized that what we were really looking for was a donor we felt a connection to, not based on appearance, but on who she is -- her educational background, her interests, and the like. We didn't consider eye color at all.  After all, you can't control phenotypic expression.  Two brown-eyed people can produce a blue-eyed child. For what it's worth, our donor's eye color is unlike either of ours. 

We also ignored blood type.  It's not important. I'm 37 and didn't even know my blood type until a week ago.  I'd guess most people don't know their blood type and even if they do, it's not like it's written on your forehead. Is your blood type concern ultimately related to a disclosure concern?  I definitely can understand that.  And disclosure is a whole other discussion.  

These are tough decisions and you have to follow your heart and head. I'm glad you're here asking questions.  I hope we're able to offer some help.  Best of luck.  

 

brooklynesque

I'm sorry you have this issue.  I have a relatively rare issue, too, and it was frustrating.  Unlike me, however, you are relatively young -- so take your time to make your decision.  You don't have to rush into either the new protocol or DE.

That said, DE is not a bad thing at all once you get used to the idea.  I could have tried longer with my OE (another doc had an idea or two I could have followed up on) but DH and I looked at agency profiles and found a donor we liked and decided to go for it.  

Blood type was not an issue for me.  I think it's only an issue if you plan never to tell the child of his/her origins -- which isn't something I (or most psychologists who specialize in this sort of thing, I think) would recommend.  If you haven't thought through what you're going to do in this regard, you will obviously need to figure it out, and probably talk to a psychologist about it, before starting a donor gamete cycle.  The way I look at it is -- the child is going to find out someday, one way or another.  Or at least suspect.  It's better to be honest; that way you won't have to live with the fear that your child will someday find out you've been deceiving him/her, and he/she will never have to feel lied to.  FYI, the pretty unanimous guidance is not just to tell, but to tell the child starting when he/she is very young, so the child doesn't even remember the first time he/she found out -- it's just something the child always knew.

All of that said -- I did pick a donor who resembled me physically.  Just because the child and close friends and family will know doesn't mean I want ladies in the supermarket asking if it's my child, KWIM?  Not that that would be the end of the world by any means. 

LittleLady77

Hi and welcome. Sorry you have to be here. 

Picking a donor is extremely difficult. When I first started I wanted someone just like me but I ended up hating all the profiles that were similar to me. We ended up finding a beautiful young woman who we connected with and seemed intelligent.

Why is blood type so important? Are you planning on telling the kids? If you are then it shouldn't mater. No one outside of your family will know.

At first we thought we wouldn't tell the kids but every piece of research out there says donor conceived children should grow up knowing. There should never be a huge life changing sit down conversation. I would do some research on that side of things. It might alleviate your blood type issue.  

melkel559

All of the other ladies gave you great advice. We also did not take blood type into consideration when we chose our donor since we plan to tell our child. Just wanted to wish you the best of luck moving forward with your decision!

poohniki

Thanks so much for your replies. I think because I personally talk about blood types and offspring for weeks a year (science teacher) I became hyper-focused on this topic. Guess DH should have grounded me, but instead I dragged him along with me. 

I think we would definitely tell our child from the beginning, but I didn't even want to talk to DH about that yet. I've just completed a few courses on family counseling, and from that side of it, they say to let the parents chose because it is ultimately them who have to live with the decision. As a counselor you can only help them see the pros and cons of the situation. But if I say stuff like this to DH sometimes I come across as an expert and well, IF is stressful enough- sometimes it's better to play dumb and have a psychologist tell us together.

I think I'm even more worried because DH looks like he could be my brother- same color hair, texture, our eyes are the exact shade of green with grey rings on the outside- blah. Guess when you spend so much time thinking when we have kids they will definitely have this feature you need some time to get over it.

We are looking at donor embryos too, since they seem more affordable at that place in California than donor egg covered by my insurance. Thanks again for the opinions, they are very, very helpful! 

TwinMommyDoubleBlessings

We used donor embryos and we did not consider blood type when looking at profiles. 

We planned to tell our children from the beginning about their special birth story and we have told them since they were conceived.  As PP have mentioned, our research has shown its better for the kids to just always "know" than to sit down with them at X age and have a big reveal discussion. It is just part of who they are.

So, at the end of the day, our children do have blood types that are different than DH and I, but it is not a concern to us.

Regarding donor embryos cost, yes, it tends to be a lot more affordable than donor eggs.  Even if you go the home study route, the cost would still be less than donor eggs.

Good luck on your journey.