Brother is an assshat (vent)

acaudill75

My mom is dying. She is going into hospice, and my brother (half brother, but my mom has been like a mother to him these past 20 years or so) has seen her once since Thanksgiving. He doesn't live that far from where she is, maybe an hour. He keeps saying he is trying to make time to see her, but the kids, business, blah blah blah. He has his kids every other weekend, they are teenagers and I see him updating FB with how he was in the Keys fishing, or at a concert, etc. I also have not seen him since Thanksgiving, and he missed DDs' birthday party because he "got confused about the date." I called him the day before to remind him the exact time, date and location. He didn't even send a gift. I live 45 minutes from him. He didn't even call on their birthday (which is the same day, so he didn't even have to remember two dates). I am so fed up with him, I sort of want to write him off completely. 

I have had to shoulder everything myself with regards to my mother, and I know that biologically she isn't his mother, but WTF!!! He has known her all his life (he's 43, so not a kid). The least he could do is go see her. She won't say it, but I know it is hurting her that he hasn't come. I'm afraid that if he doesn't see her before she passes, I will never speak to him again. I don't want that for his boys or my girls, but his attitude sucks so much.

Sorry, just needed to get that off my chest.

NotSharknado

I'm so sorry.

Well, you can't force people to make effort even though I wish we could.

Have you invited him to go see her along with you? Maybe he's just unable to go see her?

Like ask, Hey, wanna grab some lunch and go see mom?

acaudill75

shanado:

I'm so sorry. Well, you can't force people to make effort even though I wish we could. Have you invited him to go see her along with you? Maybe he's just unable to go see her? Like ask, Hey, wanna grab some lunch and go see mom?

I can't even see her during the week. I work full time and have DDs with me at night (DH works nights). I have to go on the weekends (she is about 45 minutes from me). Trying to coordinate with someone who really doesn't seem to want to go is too irritating for words. He isn't unable, it just isn't a priority to him. I have to forego grocery shopping, laundry, time with my girls, etc., to see her. He could go more than once every six months. He is a sh*t.

I am trying to get her moved somewhere closer to me, so that at least I could stop by more often.

 

bearfootz

First, I'm sorry about your mom. 

I'm from a large family and when my dad got sick I had to basically pretend that I was an only child to keep from killing my siblings.  I lived with my parents through some of that time and several of my siblings lived out of town and would call me with instructions on how to help dad, which drove me nuts.  In my opinion they were failing to grasp the severity of his illness and not making enough of a priority to see him.  I knew how much it meant to him when people came to visit. 

But at some point I also realized that I was a bit jealous that they were able to go about their daily lives.  I have no doubt that they each loved him, but either they couldn't handle seeing them and then having to leave knowing there was nothing they could do to help him get better - or maybe it was just that they didn't realize how short his time was.  We had a family gathering that my dad was unable to attend and all planned to spend time with him the next day - except one sister that said she'd be done the next weekend too so didn't bother driving the 20 minutes to go see him.  He died that night.  It made me mad, until I realized how much that haunts her. 

Anyways, I'm not sure that helps matters but wanted to share that this is a common frustration when it comes to siblings and I hope that your brother gets a clue and recognizes how much a visit would mean to your mom.  Sorry you have to go through this

acaudill75

Bearfootz -

You are right. I am jealous that he, and everyone else in my family, including her siblings, cousins, etc., are going about their daily lives like nothing is going on. I am the one on the phone with her first thing in the morning listening to her tell me she wants to die, the nurses are ignoring her, etc. I'm barely keeping it together so that I don't fail my kids and my job, or even DH, and I can't even count on anyone else to lift a finger. Just goes to show you who you can count on when the cards are down. My mom was there for a lot of her family in their times of need, and she just isn't getting the same respect.

And you are right. They will have to live with that.

 

bearfootz

acaudill75:

Bearfootz -

You are right. I am jealous that he, and everyone else in my family, including her siblings, cousins, etc., are going about their daily lives like nothing is going on. I am the one on the phone with her first thing in the morning listening to her tell me she wants to die, the nurses are ignoring her, etc. I'm barely keeping it together so that I don't fail my kids and my job, or even DH, and I can't even count on anyone else to lift a finger. Just goes to show you who you can count on when the cards are down. My mom was there for a lot of her family in their times of need, and she just isn't getting the same respect.

And you are right. They will have to live with that.

 

I just want to hug you right now because I know how much it sucks.  But you are setting a good example for your children and can only hope that if the day ever comes when you need help that they will be there for you.  And I'm sure your mom appreciates you more than you'll ever know.

acaudill75

Thanks, ladies.

I appreciate your "listening" to me, and your words of encouragement. In the end, it isn't about me, its about my mom. So, whatever she needs is most important.

I will snuff out my brother at a later date <--- sarcasm